28w3d - Good golly growing babies Batman!

Thank you all for checking on me.  I am out of my routine (with my babysitters hovering) and am trying to set aside time for writing and reading and commenting.  Also, I’ve been lying low for the last week or so.  Skulking around and just relaxing, trying to make it to 28 weeks and I did it.  I’m so happy about that.  Getting through the goals you set in your mind gives such a great sense of forward momentum, that you are doing something right (even if that thing is just laying on a bed, being a lame lazyass). 

My first goal was 12 weeks (I’m sure many have been there or are getting there).  It went by slowly then quickly.  Strange bursts of time that surprise you when viewing a calendar, then sometimes days that seem to go on forever.  The next goal was 16 weeks, just because it was another month down and I could get amnio and results to help set my mind at ease.  I was so fortunate to finally get good results and know that I’ve got two little grrl monsters baking away.  I made my next mental goal to be 20 weeks.  I had a tough and frightening time of that with the emergency cerclage, but in the end realized just how fortunate I was to have it caught just in the nick of time.  The next mental goal of 24 weeks was really tough and scary.  There were hospital visits and bleeding and so much time spent alone with my nightmarish thoughts.  That was the worse of it all, but I got through it.  It’s interesting because we all have that “24 weeks = viability” idea stuck in our heads. 

DrGav once told me at 23w while I was leaving the hospital, “Traci, we have a way to go, you need to rest, be a princess on the couch.  It’s against my DNA to deliver babies before 28 weeks.”  My ObDoc pretty much echoed the same thing.  28 weeks was their mental goal for a minimum time for babies, not 24.  I understood why they would know this so much better than me.  They’ve seen the difference.  I made 28 weeks my next firm goal.  We got my rotating shift of babysitters and I have kept very strict to my bedrest.  Last week I saw DrGav at 27w6d for an office visit, he came to my exam room dressed in scrubs, he seemed very concerned and a little grim.  He let me know that I was doing fine, the cerclage was holding and the babies were looking good, although their amniotic fluid was still a little high.  He told me what medicine to take to help and then he said, “OK Traci.  Congratulations on making it to 28 weeks.  You’re doing a great job, please keep up the good work.  I’ve got to go now, wish me luck.  I have to run off to deliver a baby that is only at 25 weeks.”  My heart dropped into an abyss for that woman.  I looked at DrGav and could tell he was genuinely sad and worried.  I gave him a hug and wished him luck.  He accepted the hug and squeezed my hands and he was off.

Hitting the 28 week mark has taken a great burden of despair and worry from my mind.  Also much of my physical pain and crampiness has been gone for a couple of weeks.  Finally another bit of encouraging news came today at my growth ultrasound.  The babies measured 3 lbs 5oz and 3 lbs 6 oz.  They are in the 90th percentile for growth and while some of this may be due to my gestational diabetes, a lot is also from sticking to the high protein twins diet the clinic has me on.  I am still a little underweight (at 28 weeks, I have only gained about 20 lbs) but DrGav said not to worry abou6t this because the high protein and the babies size is more important than just weight gain.  We also were able to see and measure the grrls practicing breathing.  Each one gets the hiccups from time to time.  These are all good indicators of their progress and pushes me to believe that soon this will be over and I’ll have a crazy time keeping up with crying and feeding and nappies and cuddles.

I have made my next goal 31 weeks (3 weeks away instead of 4), then 34w (DrGav’s next goal) and finally 37w (aka “full term”).  I’ll take any, but I hope for all.  Sending out much love to all of you watching clocks and calendars.  I love to cheer when we reach milestones.   WOOOOOOOOOT!

26 - A hard won week

I had a rough week. Thanks to everyone who kindly checked on me. Thursday morning started off with another big bleeding episode and contractons that sent me back to Labor and Delivery. I was checked on my by ObDoc and DrGav. The babies heartbeats were good, they were wiggling and jiggling about with all of the excitement and whatnot going on outside. It was decided after consulting ultrasound that the placenta previa was definiately still around and between its moving and bleeding another big clot had formed. When enough backed up, my uterus contracted hard to expel this unwanted material. I had felt achy and had a minor amount of spotting the two days before, so now I know what to look for if it happens again. This is possible as there are new clots that form and I still spot and the previa isn't gone.

Did I mention how much this sucks?

I was admitted to the hospital for observation and to receive steriod shots for the babies' lungs. We were at a critical stage, 25w6d so no one wanted to take any chances. The shots were administered and my bleeding mostly disappeared within the day. I only live 2.4 miles from my hospital, so we all decided I would be fine resting and recovering at home.

My laptop has not yet been recovered, I may not be able to fix it. This setback takes away a huge amount of my coping skills. I can't reach out to the ALI community easily (I have been able to keep up a little on my cell phone's web browser), I can't play computer games to pass the time, I can't research baby items or medical things, I can't use netflix watch instantly. I've been reading a little and doing puzzles to occupy my mind and pass the time. I watch minutes and hours and days tick by. My next big goal is 28 weeks, only 10 days to go on my countdown.

Since we know how important the next couple of months are, we decided that I needed someone with me. My MIL and FIL have stepped up for babysitting me on Mon/Wed/Fri, my friend Mike is being paid for babysitting me on Tues/Thursday. MrBeep takes care of me in the mornings, evenings and weekends. I am so lucky to have all this support. I really appreciate everyone' s care and help. Having the company of others during the day is also so very wonderful after so many months of being relatively isolated. The last few days have flown by.

I had my checkups at the ObDoc and MFM today. Everything is looking about the same, holding steady. The babies are looking bigger, but I won't get new measurements for a few more weeks. I got a couple of really great 3D images of their faces today that made my heart melt. Another thing that really helped me make it through this hell week was when I was lying on my side one day with my hand on the edge of my belly near my hip. I felt Wiggles (Baby A) raise her hand and drag it along my hand. The touch was so distinct and delicate. It just melted my heart. So many of the things they do now, what sounds they react to, make me just want so very much to get to know them.

And now for things that made me happy this week. Getting to week 26! Also I am overjoyed at mekate's great ultrasound and heartbeat at 8 weeks, MrsG has gotten a BFP and is working on a halfling of her very own, Sprogblogger has reached the 2nd trimester, Mo has had an excellent number of blasts to test, K at Invitro Veritas has made it to 28+ weeks and is describing her current situation as "boring", Sunny has made it through more than 10 weeks of bedrest and is up and about at more than 36 weeks with her twin boys, and finally Kate at Impatiently Waiting had her gorgeous little girl.

This week’s things that made me happy

Today is 25w2d.  Getting to 25 weeks makes me happy, another week down, only 13 more to go.

I get to feel both grrl monsters squirming around every day, sometimes they react to sounds.  I find that really neat.  They have kicked MrBeep in the back a few times when we lay down for bedtime.  We both giggle at this.

I have been able to run a few errands this week without pain, cramping or bleeding. 

I played games with my friends on Friday. 

I’m happy to know that Lisa at Meinsideout is cuddling her little ones, Sunny has made it to 35 weeks, K at Waiting for Sunflower made 32 weeks and is buying goodies for baby, Kate at Impatiently Waiting has good reason to be impatient at 41w2d, Mo had a great retrieval with many embryos going strong, Rotten and JJ get to have fun at a birthday party.  Whew!  A good week.

I received my fabulous new socks from the 2010 Sock It To Me!  I will do a full post later this week with pictures too.

I got to take my MIL and FIL to my 24 week growth ultrasound.  They were ecstatic.  MrBeep is an only child, these will be their only shot at grandkids.  The excitement and love is really fun to be around.

The 24 growth scan went great, and here are a few pics to round of the end of a week of things that made me happy.

   The belly view at 25 weeks.

Baby A (Wiggles)                     and                            Baby B (Pip)

I also got the very first opportunity for the 3D scan to work while their hands weren’t obscuring their faces.  Seeing these images really surprised me.  It just made me so happy. 

Baby A (Wiggles)                     and                            Baby B (Pip)

You’re doing good my little grrl monsters.  Happy and squirmy and bouncy and warm.  Stay in safe and sound for as long as you can.  Grow and grow.  Mommy hopes to see you both in 3 months.

I’m sending good thoughts and wishes to mekate for her scan tomorrow and Sprogblogger for her checkup too.  Also giving a gentle hug to One Who Understands who has OHSS but is on the mend.  Now it’s time to go off to bed and meditate on good things, keeping my heart in a place of joy and peace.

Checkups and Ultrasounds and Migrations

I went to my ObDoc appointment, the Grrl Monster’s heartbeats sounded good, the ginormous belly is measuring well, blood pressure staying steady.  The swab showed I have a minor infection starting, so I have been put on antibiotics, this was expected since I had been bleeding in the last week and both of my docs called blood “an excellent culture medium” for bacteria.  I have finally gained some weight.  WOOT!  I hadn’t gained anything in the past 5 weeks, despite eating good food pretty much all day long.  I am finally up 15 lbs (I don’t count the pre-pregnancy 2xIVF meds additional 10 lbs). Now, I’m not some frail petite little thing, so I have plenty of “maternal stores” if needed.  I did the gestational diabetes (GD) test where you drink the kool-aid stuff and then they draw your blood an hour later to see if you seem to have GD.  I haven’t received any results yet, but hope to find out more by the end of the week.  I’ve heard and read the whiney horror stories of people who do this test and you know what?  The kool-aid type extremely sugary beverage they make you drink is no big deal (I opted for “fruit punch” flavor).  Is it really sweet?  Yes.  Is it too sweet?  Yes.  Would you buy this as a favorite beverage in a convenience store?  No. Is it something worth making a big deal about?  Eh…no.  So if you have this test coming up, drink up, shudder a bit and say “Wow. That drink sucks.” and then move on with your day/life.  All I hope is that I don’t have GD and can skip having yet another “high risk” moniker on my chart thankyouverymuch.

After my ObDoc appointment, I went over the the MFM for my 24 week growth ultrasound.  I want to write more about this and post some pics, so the quick and short news is that everyone is OK.  I’m fine, the grrls are fine and growing really good 1lb 12 oz and 1lb 14 oz (in the 74th and 80th percentile).  Cerclage is holding really well, and now for the biggest news…

THE PLACENTA PREVIA HAS MOVED OFF THE CERVIX ENTIRELY!!!!

A lot of the achiness I have been feeling down low for several months has disappeared.  I had those last two big bleeding episodes and haven’t had anything but a bit of brown spotting since.  The ultrasound showed another blood clot above the internal cervical os, but hopefully once that is gone the bleeding episodes will be too.

I’m getting so excited for those who are so close to meeting their little ones.  Kate at Impatiently Waiting and Lisa at Meinsideout.  It’s so amazing to know that the end is in sight and they’ll meet their heart’s desire soon.  Wishing you both all the best for a safe and happy delivery.

Countoff Days 3, 2, 1 – Previa Problems

To be totally honest, I had an episode of bleeding over the weekend that DrGav told me to expect.  After the ultrasound in the hospital, they found a pocket of blood and clots just behind my internal os.  His opinion is this is due to my placenta previa moving.  After his diagnosis and letting me know it would happen, about 8 hours later I bled red with clots and then brown spotting and then after a day it stopped.  “OK” I thought, “Good riddance, now I’m done with it.”  They are now classifying this now as a partial previa.  I guess if I am lucky it may move entirely away from my cervix and all bleeding will stop. 

Day 3 was uneventful really.  I just relaxed, watched some TV and did a little writing.  So boring, that I decided to combine it with another day, but that ended up being complicated.

On Day 2 the morning and afternoon were a little dull.  I put myself on a fairly strict bed rest because I had my 2nd class for the Labor and Birth Preparation Multiples in the evening.  I went to the class, it included a little more of the same lame DVD, but it did cover a few things I found somewhat useful in talking about hospital intervention and pain medication policy.  Instead of the 2.5 hours it took, I could have just read it in a FAQ and asked about 2 questions, but that’s just me.  I was uncomfortable and eventually tired and cranky.  I just wanted to go home.  A few hours after I got home, I started to feel crampy and even had a couple of strong contractions.  I went to bed, laying on my left side and drank a couple of glasses of water.  Every hour after midnight I would have a couple of contractions, not enough to go to the hospital, but enough to concern us. I could feel both babies squirming away, with the one on the bottom really having an acrobatic circus in there. Finally at 4:30 am I had some bleeding, it was same as the weekend and after that and since all contractions have gone away. 

I called my ObDoc first thing in the morning on Day 1, they got in touch with DrGav’s office and I was in for an ultrasound in the early afternoon.  The ultrasound confirmed both babies seemed to be doing fine, had nice strong heartbeats.  Placentas seemed fine too and the lower one was moving some more.  A new clot and amount of blood was sitting behind the cerclage stitch (it was still holding strong) but it does make an environment where blood can pool and then clot.  If there is enough to irritate the uterus, that is what cause the contractions.  I am back on medication to prevent contractions and hopefully this bleeding will stop soon.  DrGav will see me again on Tuesday and said that if he sees any more bleeding that makes him concerned, he will check me into the hospital just in case.  He congratulated me for getting to week 24, but reminded me that these next few weeks are critical for the babies.

I didn’t want to just write about doom and gloom and worry.   I didn’t want to keep my mind in that place, so I just skipped blogging and reading.  I found that this doesn’t really work.  I miss giving and getting support.  I’m glad I finished my first important countdown.  I am happy I have made it at least to week 24, but the worry will continue to be with me for many weeks to come.  I will take things extra extra super easy.  I put myself on modified bedrest, I stay on the couch all day until MrBeep gets home.  I am alone most all of my waking hours and I am so lonely sometimes. It’s hard not to dwell on fear and problems and worry.  I try to keep positive and optimistic. I talk to the grrl monsters when they are wiggling around, I let them know how hard I am trying to keep them safe. Now only 14 more weeks to go. ;-) As the universe continues to spin and time ticks forward, I will see each day as a blessing, each week as a triumph. 

Countoff Day 4 – Labor & Birth Multiples Class

Most of my Day 4 was spent going through some film logging business with the movie I had been working on back in Oct. and Nov.  I was a bit frustrated with communication problems and technical difficulties but I guess it’s a good thing because many hours zoomed past.  I also took care of some bill and insurance stuff, not exciting, but strangely enough I liked marking a few things off my to do list for the day.  All of this was easily done from a reclining position, I promised myself that I would take things extremely easy and am doing OK so far. I’m feeling great, babies seem to be happily jostling around. 

I saved a lot of energy because this evening was our first class offered by the hospital.  It’s official name “Labor and Birth Preparation – Multiples”.  It’s a two hour class held on 3 days – Monday (3/1), Wednesday (3/3) and Monday (3/8).  Did I find the class useful…eh…not so far.  Seems like if they require you to be at least 5-6 months along, its a waste of time to explain to us what twins are, fraternal vs. identical, etc.  Honestly this is the “basics” class, so I will be a bit more patient.  The next class should cover more specific stuff about this hospital’s rules on pain medication, intervention, etc.  They showed a bit of a lame DVD and the documentarian side of my brain kept going over about a thousand different ways I could have made the video more useful. I opted out of “floor exercises” which consisted of laying on your side and breathing slowly for 5 minutes.  I will note that they had the least comfortable chairs in the world to sit in and my preggo ass was turning quite numb despite having to move and slide and jostle for any position that would seem OK for more than 10 minutes.

I look forward tomorrow to catching up on blogs, until then I feel a stranger in a strange land.

Countoff Day 6 & 5 – Screaming Days

Day 6 anecdote:  Officially, day 6 started with my nurse giving me IV antibiotics at around 1:00 am.  She was a really nice lady and we chatted for a while until it was time for the medicine and bags to be removed.  It took me another hour or so to finally drift off to sleep, around 2:00 am.  I awoke suddenly out of a deep sleep by the sound of a woman yelling the most horrible gut wrenching scream I have ever heard in my entire life.  No kidding.  NO.  I mean really.  The stuff in the best horror movie was a mere squeak compared to this sound.  It lasted for about 30 very long seconds.  Since I had been awaken from a deep REM sleep, I was immediately disoriented and confused.  I didn’t realize where I was (Oh yeah, I’m still in the hospital), what was going on, why was a woman screaming and then I remembered that I AM in the Labor and Delivery section of the hospital.  The grrl monsters were also woken by the scream and started squirming around, kinda like “Holy shit Mom, what was THAT?!?” About 5 minutes after I heard the scream, I heard the sound of a cheap $5 china town gong.  I lay there in the dark hospital room and was genuinely happy for her.  It took another hour or so to get back to sleep.  My nerves were a bit frazzled, the babies took a while to settle down and honestly it is hard to ignore the impulse to go to the aid of someone who just yelled like that.  The idea of a c-section suddenly didn’t seem so bad after all.  I mean I know that they hurt for a longer amount of time, but I doubt I’d be making any scream like THAT.

Day 5 was mostly a day to catch up on sleep, snuggle up with MrBeep and take it easy at home.  We did spend many great hours watching the 2010 Olympics Canada vs. USA hockey gold medal finals game.  MrBeep was a hockey player in college and post-grad (go mighty beavers).  We enjoy watching games.  We invited his Dad to come over and we all had a blast.  When the US finally made their first goal we all screamed “YEAH!” and twin B "aka “Pip” started to squirm along.  When the second goal with 24 seconds left in the game happened, there were more screams of excitement.  The Canadian team did a fabulous job and honestly played a superior game, well deserving of a gold medal.  It’s cool that they also did it at their home country Olympic games.  Congrats to all my Canadian buddies!  Oh and remember my Photo challenge pic?

As a tribute to the truly awesome 2010 Olympics held in one of my favorite cities, Vancouver BC Canada.  It is actually a macro lens photo of my night light, a gorgeous bronzed maple leaf.

A last big scream for day 5 gone and for my bloggidy pals from up north.  WWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  CANADA ROCKS!

Countoff Day 6 - Released from Hospital AOK

Day 6 isn't done yet, but I wanted to post an update.  We took a look at the grrl monsters via ultrasound and both babies and sacs are perfectly normal. Both have plenty of fluid, I haven't had any other bad spells since Thursday night.  DrGav did the ultrasound and saw a blood clot behind the internal os of the cervix.  He thinks this may have caused the bleeding and watery leakage because some clots as they are compressed can express excess water and plasma.  I know, eww gross TMI.  Also the previa is still moving and created a pocket for that clot and liquid to pool.  Hopefully it will be gone soon (damned pesky thing). DrGav did emphasize that the next 5 weeks are really critical for the babies, so I will take it VERY EASY.  MrBeep is a happy grinning little sweetie.  I am overjoyed.  

More on day 6 later. :-)

Countoff Day 9 –Dr Appts & Photo Challenge

Good news!  I went to both DrGav and my ObDoc today.  First the Peri/MFM appointment:  The cervix check shows all is looking great, staying a steady 3.5 cm and the cerclage is still looking good.  Both grrl monsters had good heart rates and bloodflow.  I have been taken off my medication and don’t need to come back for 2 weeks (where I will get my 24 week growth ultrasound).  His take on my Friday achiness and spotting is that it is nothing to be worried about.  Then I went to my ObDoc  for a routine check.  Blood pressure, pee in a cup, weight check , and doppler.  Wiggles kicked the doppler when the nurse was trying to get a reading.  We both laughed.  My awesome ObDoc arrived all smiles. I got an internal pelvic exam **YOWCH!** where she proclaimed things seemed long and were holding well.  When I told her about my Friday scare she was a little more concerned.  She told me if I begin to feel uncomfortable to lay down on my left side, drink some water and take things easy.  If things don’t seem to get better after an hour to call them.  She said that the next 7 weeks were really critical and she’d rather know that I am resting easily at home with some liberties rather than being a “long term guest” at the hospital.  I completely agree.  All in all very good results, maybe I spooked myself a bit, but I’d rather be cautious than sorry.  It is just another thing that will really help me make it through the rest of my countdown.

And now for something completely different…I had an idea for this week’s Photo Challenge, so I pulled out my fab macro lens. 

Photo Challenge this week's theme: WHAT IS IT?

Take a guess about what this photograph is.  To see a larger version, click on the pic.  My only hint is that it is more than what you think at first glance. I'll post the answer Friday with the other folks who took the challenge. I’m horrible at guessing but found it a fun little inspiration for photography.  Rotten – why aren’t you getting into the challenge!  C’mon!

(The Photo Challenge aims to allow creative ways to explore a weekly theme through photography).  The Weekly Photo Challenge is brought to you by The Steadfast Warrior (aka Lindsay) who also gave me this advice for dealing with my fears:

The reality is, you've got a lot going on and it's okay to be scared, hell if you weren't terrified a little, I'd think you were in denial. The only advice I have is to take solace in the movements and the special moments that come up.

She also said a little extra to warm my heart and offered a present to dry my eyes:

You are a lovely and strong woman. You and the Monsters WILL be okay. I can keep repeating it if you like? ;) (HUGS) to you, since sometimes that is what we need the most. I've left a little present for you at my blog…

Her gift was an absolutely stunning photograph taken from her balcony in beautiful Vancouver, BC.  You have to go over and see it.  I saved it as my desktop wallpaper for this 10 day countdown.  Every time my computer boots up I see it and smile.  Lindsay has a little girl, born just a little while ago, she is taking things one day at a time and writes with such honesty that I feel truly privileged to read and support her.  Thanks so much Lindsay.

I ended my Day 9 with “Weekly Series Night” – a special evening MrBeep and I spend with friends watching though a TV series together.  We finished watching The Venture Brothers – Season 3.  It was also really fun to have some company, laugh and joke around.  I love counting off a great day.

2 Monster Scoops – The Big Reveal

It has taken sooooooooo long to get all of the results from amnio, but I’ll explain about that later.  The most important thing is that they are both healthy with no known issues.  I can’t express how relieved I am, how much of a heavy weight has held my heart down.  Now my heart is light and full of joy.

So now the Big Reveal…I posted a poll to see if you could guess the gender of the monsters. 

The poll question was: 
What flavor are the monsters?

A:   Strawberry (2 girls)
B:   Boysenberry (2 boys)
C:   A scoop of each (1 boy, 1 girl)

Did you guess correctly?
Can you tell from the photo?
Give up yet?

Yes, that my friends is two scoops of STRAWBERRY ice cream.  We are pregnant with two little girls, or as I call them “Grrrl Monsters”.

We had a great appointment at the MFM for my 20 week ultrasound.  They are measuring in the 70th percentile, way up from a month ago’s 40th percentile.  Their weight is estimated at 14 ounces. Here are the latest ultrasound pics

For more good news, I have been taken off of bed rest!  The cervix is looking good and closed at about 3.1 cm. The previa continues to migrate away from the cervix but we aren’t done yet. I’ve had no cramping or bleeding or complications.  I am still advised to take it easy, but at least I can sit up, use a chair, cook dinner, run a couple of errands if I need to.  DrGav told me to use good judgment and try to stay off my feet as much as possible.  I go back again for another quick check in a week and then I may get to every other week afterwards. 

mekate asked if there were going to be any belly shots.  I have decided to post, but I have to say that I am normally apple shaped and big breasted too.  As an added bonus these two have surely blossomed that into a OMG I’M HUGE! situation. 

Twin B “Pip” is currently laying sideways across the top and is and making the belly extra huge.  I am happy about this, but was a little shocked when I saw the photo myself. :-)

I’m just so happy right now because there is really a lot of great news this week with many of my bloggidy friends. 

Oh, and the strawberry ice cream?

The best I have ever ate.

OXXO to you all – Traci aka “IF Optimist”.

A wholly different kind of nesting

First off, my first doctor’s visit after the cerclage update:  Everything looks good.  Cervix is stitched closed and this has created a measurement of about 2.8 cm.  DrGav thinks that it should stay that way given where he placed the stitch (good and high).  No new discomforts, no new bleeding, no new cramping.  In fact, I feel absolutely fine.  I let DrGav know that I was very good and stayed almost entirely prone on my back or on my side for the entire week.  He said that was excellent, he was pleased at how well my post-surgical recovery is going.  He recommended that I do the same thing for another week to continue to help in the healing process.  He hinted that after a few weeks of doing the same, I may be able to get off bed rest.

Each morning starts as I:

• Get out of bed
• Have a pee
• Brush my teeth
• Get dressed

Then I:

• Grab my ipod
• Laptop
• Current book(s) I am reading
• Puzzle book, pen and pencils

Afterwards I:

• Gently head downstairs (yes I’m allowed)
• Climb on the couch
• Arrange pillows and blankets on said couch for maximum comfort options
• MrBeep brings me breakfast, water, Tivo remote, cordless phone, cell phone
• He gives me a smootch once I am settled, then he is off to work for the day

My “couch nesting” day has begun.  I call the couch and it’s surroundings “My Nest” because that is what I have made it over the last week.  I am not a very good bed rest patient.  I hate being idle for hours and days at a time.  So I build up a nest of shiny bits, plenty of things to keep me busy and my mind active, but it’s not what I WANT to be doing right now.  I WANT to be cleaning out my pantry.  I WANT to be getting rid of the excess books in my library.  I WANT to be editing video on my big computer downstairs.  I WANT to be cleaning out my closets of excess junk.  However, if I am a very good girl, I may be lucky enough to only have to do this for a few more weeks and then I can get to a few of the other things in due time.  <sigh>  I shouldn’t whine or bitch or moan.  I am very lucky to be here, but I don’t even want to THINK about the idea of 16 more weeks of bed rest.  I’ll do it if I have to, but I would much rather be extra good now and hopefully be allowed to gently putter around the house later.

I don’t like regular TV that much.  It’s hard for me to kill much time watching the tube.  I especially hate talk shows, most reality shows, 85% of cooking/home improvement/fashion-sense shows, and sitcoms.  I can get into a few really good series.  My friend Tiff offered to bring by Sex and the City and the L-word.  She also mentioned Californication as a good show.  I told her that #1-she is a perv and #2-that I have already watched Sex in the City plus #3-I have been on strict orders for no sex (aka “pelvic rest”) since December and now with the cerclage going forward for the rest of the pregnancy.  Um yeah, don’t really want to watch any show that is a daily source of soft pr0n.  Frustrated enough for now.  Thankyouverymuch.

I did manage to stumble across this show called “Clean House” where a crew of people come in to clean up these places stuffed with a gajillion pounds of stuff/crap/junk.  A current member of my family’s house is like this, my grandfather who passed a few years ago was like this too.  When it gets really bad, it is truly an illness or a compulsion for hoarding and not merely a matter of organization.  Even though the cast make jokes from time to time, they generally treat the homeowners with compassion and respect.  I liked that, so I Tivo’d a few episodes…plus watching THOSE houses get cleaned up and organized somehow eases my need for nesting. :-)

Any good series YOU recommend I order from Netflix?

Emergency cerclage & bedrest

I went for my weekly cervix check with my peri, DrGav, on Tuesday.  I was a pretty happy and healthy little chick as I bebopped into the office. Things were great, I could feel the babies move here and there, a little tap, a slight jiggle when I didn’t expect it.  I had a walk in the sun the day before.  Life felt normal and good.  Got results back from karyotyping amnio test, but am still awaiting the final CGH microarray results.  So far no problems, but I want to save that post until all results are in.

As you may or may not recall, during my 16 week ultrasound, they noticed a blood clot right behind the top my cervix.  DrGav was concerned about this as it could cause irritation to the cervix and wanted me to see him for a cervical check every week until things looked fine.  A week later, I had a tiny bit of spotting and while the cervical check measured 3.5cm and closed, I was asked to come again in one week for another check.  On week later, two days ago, Tuesday came and I went in for my cervical check, which involves our good friend, dildocam, aka “Wanda”.  The babies were checked briefly, their heartbeats were fine and they seemed active.  Then the ultrasound tech started checking my cervix.  She looked both with the abdominal and vaginal transducer.  She had me move a bit and push to see how it was reacting.  She was very nice and didn’t give away too much, but at the end of the exam, told me to stay put and wait for DrGav as he may want to double check things himself.

He checked me out with Wanda and then started talking to me and the ultrasound tech.  He pointed out that the internal cervical os was completely open, that there was significant funneling (even I could see it with my untrained eye) and while my external os was currently closed, I had the beginnings of effacement.  The diagnosis:  Incompetent Cervix.  My cervix had gone in one week from 3.5cm and closed to .6cm with funneling.  I felt absolutely no cramping, no pain, no contractions and there was no spotting.  It’s very scary to know that it all could have been lost so easily.  The only thing keeping my babies from harm was my placenta previa.  The edge of the placenta of baby A was still stretched over the top of the cervix and acting as a bridge, keeping it from splitting wide open.  The previa was moving and getting near the edge of when it was going to break free.  A manual check of my cervix was also found to be very soft, which could allow for dilation starting at any time. 

DrGav and I discussed the situation.  We decided that this was all looking very dire.  His recommendation was to place a cervical cerclage.  He did an excellent job of answering all of my questions and describing the procedure, why he was choosing to do it, what type of stitch, etc.  He explained that he preferred the Shirodkar stitch technique. He also wanted to make sure the stitch was placed very high, closer to the internal os as he felt this has worked better for patients in the past.  I was actually very worried about having an incompetent cervix due to my prior uterine surgeries, so I had done many hours of reading on this subject.  I had no problem agreeing to the procedure.  Anything to keep them in here and safe was best.  Even with strict bedrest at 18 weeks, it was very unlikely that they would make it to viability, much less term.  DrGav checked his schedule and the OR at the hospital and we decided to do a cervical cerclage that same day in a few hours.  I went to the hospital, was put on intraveneous antibiotics and had the procedure with a general anesthetic four hours later.  MrBeep came to be with me after work and arrived a few minutes before I went to the OR.  He met with DrGav and discussed the procedure and asked questions.

According to DrGav (he talked to MrBeep after the surgery was complete) it went very smoothly.  I had no bleeding from the placenta, everything seemed to go very well and with no complications.  They checked the babies whose heartbeats were both doing fine. I awoke in recovery with little pain, was dispatched to a maternity ward room and rested for a couple of hours.  The contractions monitor they put on me showed no contractions after the procedure.  I had a tad bit of crampiness, like the day before AF arrives with a vengeance, but it was managed with medicine. I went home that night around 9pm.  I didn’t want to stay in the hospital and DrGav said I could go home if I felt fine.  I had a little bleeding just after the surgery and it’s fading to a smaller amount and today it is just a little bit of pink on the TP.

I am on modified bedrest until my next appointment with DrGav on Tuesday 2/2.  I have a friend who is unemployed right now over as my “official babysitter” for the next few days.  We are giving him a little $ to help him out.  He cooks my food, keeps me company and we needed to do some movie production work this week, so it really turned out well for us both.

Even though this all seems scary and nerve wracking, I am glad and so relieved that we caught it in time.  Many women who have an Incompetent Cervix don’t find out until they have had a pregnancy loss.  It is more common with twins and is most likely to happen between 18-22 weeks.  DrGav is hoping if the cerclage is holding well that I won’t have to be on bedrest for too long, but we’ll see.  I have my little countdown calendar on my browser.  I have 36 days to go until viability (24 weeks), my first goal.  Hoping that in the end it all works out and my monsters are with me for as long as possible. 

18w2d – Little things that bring sunshine

Well, what can I say. Ummmmmm. I’m still here. I’m at 18w2d. Monsters are still here.  Cervix measured well on Monday, still closed and long. I had a little brown spotting for the week, but we suspect this may be the old blood clot from the big bleed finally moving through the cervical os and on its way outta here. (Good riddance.) It was very strange to be far enough along that while I spotted, I didn’t have a lot of anxiety or fear attached to it.

Still waiting on the final results for the amnio.  Not terribly stressed, but it will be nice to have closure on that too.  I want to tell my grandparents and SIL and nephews and niece, but am waiting the extra week to know if it is all OK.  I mean, I can wait a freaking week, right?

It’s funny how at this stage in pregnancy I am glad, but I don’t allow myself to get overly confident or excited.  I am beginning to dream of nursery and baby item shopping, but it is too early.  I want to shout HOORAY but am waiting for 24 weeks, or 28 weeks before I feel I can really take that a breath deep enough in order to shout.  My “miscarriage signs” Google searches are now changing to “pre-term labor signs” or “incompetent cervix,” but every now and then it all swings 180°and I am suddenly looking and watching videos on double strollers and thinking things like “How in the hell can I carry two infant car seats at the same time?  I will need arms like She Hulk.” And then I stop and really think, “actually I wouldn’t mind looking like She Hulk.”

I feel little twinges and flutters every now and then, but it is very subtle.  90% of the time I don’t feel anything at all. I generally have to lay down on my side and get very calm and still.  When I focus my mind, I can feel if they move.  Other times I just lay there like a lump and eventually fall asleep because I can’t feel a thing and horizontal = naptime. Every now and then I get distinct movement and it’s like sunshine streamed on my heart.  I was sitting in the park this week, near the waterfront.  I had bought a gyro sandwich and was munching down on a bench with a fabulous view of the water and the boats and Seattle across the lake.  All of a sudden I felt Wiggles and Pips (our not-so official names for the monsters) squirming around.  I sent MrBeep a text message saying “The monsters really like love gyro sandwich with onions.”  He was happy all day and gave me lots of kisses and belly pats when he came home.  He lurves gyro sandwiches.

Sending you a little of my sunshine for your hearts too, whether they be filled with sorrow, or filled with joy or filled with hope.  We all need that sunshine some days.

Chillaxing

Not much to report over here in the dark and soggy Pacific Northwest.  As Sunny mentioned, it has been pretty gray and rainy for a while.  I don’t mind it a bit, but a break for an outdoor walk would have been nice.  I’ve been mostly chillaxing since last Tuesday when I had my full anatomy ultrasound and amniocentesis.  After the amnio I went home and did as DrGav instructed.

“You are to be a couch princess for the rest of the day, take it easy the next few days.”

I am happy to report that I was very successful in my assigned task.  I endeavored to be a regal and gracious princess, ruling my dominion with dignity and benevolence.  MrBeep was a most attentive royal servant, I may have to knight him.  I puttered around on my computer. I read some magazines and books. I watched the Dakar 2010 rally updates with MrBeep each night. 

On Saturday I went out to a local coffee shop and played many hours with a gaming group.  I was able to get in on two games.  First I played a really fun game called “Jamaica.”  I think that I will buy this one to take down the next time I see my niece and nephews.  You are a pirate, sailing around an island trying to get treasure, food and gunpowder.  You are in a race with the other players and can also get into battles against them. The rules aren’t too complex, there is some randomness via dice rolls but there is an element to thinking ahead and strategy too.  The second game I played, called “Agricola” – currently ranked #1 on boardgamegeek.com - was much more complex and required a lot of strategy.  It was the first time I tried the game and came in last place, but it was very fun and I would love to play it again.  You have a plot of land and are trying to improve your house, build a farm, plow fields, harvest grains and add members to your family (more people = more turns).  Guess who took the longest to add members to their family?  Yeah, me.  Not by a little, but by several turns.  Really?  I have to be the infertile in a danged board game too?  Had to shake my head with the irony on that one.

The weekend was good.  I am doing fine.  I had very little cramping following my procedure, maybe a twinge or two.  I’ve had no pain, spotting or fever.  Now I just get to wait it out a bit for the results in a couple more weeks.  And now for a couple of questions:

Question 1 from Anonymous: “There was a result called "FISH" or something for the CVS that came after 2 days with the bigger results coming at 2 weeks. Does amnio have that?” 

Yes.  Amnio has the option for doing FISH.  We considered it.  I asked about the cost.  It costs about $500 and you get the answers for a couple of conditions, down syndrome, tri 13/18 in about 2-3 days.  We decided that even though insurance pays for the test that we would just wait it out to save money.  I was not considered a significant risk and we would want the full results no matter what.  If we had received a worrisome screening test, then I would have absolutely insisted on FISH.  This is an excellent article that includes some useful and detailed information: http://www.enotes.com/nursing-encyclopedia/amniocentesis

Question/comment 2 from mekate: Hope EVERYTHING is perfect and that no difficult choices need to be made. YOu are so brave doing the amnio! (I am scared of the big needles, never mind the rest of it).

Thank you dear sweet mekate. I’ll be honest.  DrGav recommended that I watch the ultrasound monitor and I took his advice.  I didn’t want to flinch or move at the exact wrong moment so I just kept my eyes glued to the screen.  He described what he was doing, what I was seeing.  The truth is, after all of the really painful and nasty stuff from IVF, like a pinchy speculums or being punched in the ovary, an amnio needle was a cake walk.

The comments I received were so heart-warming.  I am delighted at the wonderful support of the ALI community.  Thank you all for your kindness and good wishes.  I appreciate it so much.  The votes on the poll are very interesting.  I am, like you, very excited to find out the results very soon.

16w4d ultrasound – so far so good

I’m glad to report that we came back from an ultrasound yesterday afternoon at the MFM clinic and the quick report is that everything looks good.  DrGav wanted to do a full anatomy ultrasound early and then do subsequent ones every 4 weeks to make sure that the growth of the monsters is on track.  If growth does not seem to be progressing normally, then I may get put on lovenox or heparin.  I weighed in and am up about 7 lbs since the start of things, so that is looking fine. 

MrBeep sat at my side, touched my shoulder and kissed my forehead.  A full anatomy ultrasound takes a while as each thing is scrutinized and measured.  For over an hour I got to lay back and watch the monsters jiggle and wiggle. I saw happy squishy brains, thumping hearts and kidneys and stomachs and bladders.  I got to see the profile of each face, accompanied by waving arms and legs, twitchy hands and feet. I counted 5 fingers on a wee hand held out and easy to see.  I got to see eentsy little toes.  I watched so hard my eyes started to water and by the end my vision was blurred.  I couldn’t help it!  I guess I forgot to blink but the perma-grin was wide on my face.  

It’s amazing how reduced the room is in there compared to 5 weeks ago at the NT ultrasound.  No easy turns doing back flips at will.  They’ll just have to practice to be in Cirque du Soleil once they are in normal gravity like the rest of us.  The ultrasound technician got a couple of shots from under each baby’s legs, she asked me to guess, but I had no idea – remember it’s only 16 weeks along.  She is pretty sure the sex on one and the other is an educated guess, it’s legs were held tight together.  The internal ultrasound showed my cervix was long and closed, that is another very good thing.  DrGav warned that with twins, they want internal cervical checks every two weeks as things can change very quickly and a month span is too long between checks.

DrGav also said that the measurements on both babies looked good.  He needs more time to review all of the pictures to look closely at the placentas, etc.  We expressed our interest in amnio before the appointment and he said that it was really up to us, but that the measurements again put the risks for DS and Trisomy 13/18 as really low (1 in 650).  In the end, we still wanted to do the amnio.  The procedure went well.  DrGav explained each step and all the precautions he took for good results.  My belly was swabbed with iodine.  The ultrasound was on and referenced the entire time.  One quick poke for each twin’s sac/fluid. I watched on the ultrasound and all seemed to go fine.  The babies heartbeats were measured right on track after the procedure.  I have had an easy time afterwards so far.  No spotting, no leaking, no high temperature.  I have felt the babies flutter happily all night and day.  I have added a poll to the right column so you can guess what flavor the monsters are.  I get the results in about two weeks.

Why decide to do the amnio?  Folks, I’m 41, MrBeep is 46.  These are my own old eggs, his own sperm.  I’m going to be very honest, if one of these babies has a condition that is incompatible with life and puts the other baby at great risk, I need to know. I have to think of more than myself.  Screening tests are highly educated guesses, they are not diagnostic and they do not have the real genetic answers.  Also, D/S and Tri 13/18 are only 3 things.  Amniocentesis karyotyping tests for over 40 and we are also getting a prenatal CGH microarray that looks at over 100.  The real risks for continuous scan amnio with a highly qualified specialist like DrGav are significantly lower than 1:200.  They are actually more like 1:1,600.  Please believe that I don’t think that my preferences and decisions are right for everyone, but they are right for us.  In two weeks I’ll either have the hardest decision of my life or I’ll get to finally breathe a little easier for the first time in years.  I am happy to answer any questions for those of you who need to know more, just post in the comments or email ifoptimist.at gmail.com.  I would appreciate understanding and not judgment.  If you have strict religious beliefs and ideals, I respect them.  Please my friends, I’m scared and I’m crying. I will meditate.  I will try to instill calm in my heart.  Now again with a wholly new kind of 2 week wait, I will embrace Hope in all its bright sunshine, glowing at the end of a dark cave. 

Ups & downs & everythings in between

It has been a bit of a crazy week.  First an update from my Ob/Gyn visit.  I saw my ObDoc on Wednesday and had a routine exam.  My labs for cultures and thyroid tests came back negative/normal (wooo!) I tested negative for being a carrier of cystic fibrosis (wooo!).  My blood pressure was 126/80 (only slightly elevated) and we heard two heartbeats with the doppler at 146 and 153 bpm.  I’ve gained 4.8 lbs since the beginning of my pregnancy, which doesn’t seem like a lot, but I was easily 35lbs overweight when I started.  I go back to the ObDoc at the beginning of February but I was doing fine as of Wednesday and was given the green light to do light exercise (walking, swimming, pre-natal yoga).

I am becoming a little more active, getting out for walks with MrBeep, shopping, running errands, working, etc.  I like it much better than taking it too easy.  I have been editing and working on some videography stuff.  I finished my friend’s wedding DVD before she headed off to Australia to visit her husband’s friends and relatives who couldn’t make the wedding.  In addition to the video editing work, I did a really fun photo slideshow set to the song “Lucky Day” by Judy Garland.  It turned out great and I was glad to get the creative workout. 

I also dragged my lazy ass to the computer and put on my photography hat.  I went through a photo shoot session I had with my friend Tiff and her then 9 month old baby.  I chose the best photos, did some retouching and sweetening, then took the top 3 and made a framed picture with a tri-cut mat and some additional art supplies.  I glued his name down a vertical and then added stickers with the words “adorable, laughing, marvelous, baby boy” in between the photo cut outs.  They had a dual birthday party (kids from 6p-9p and adults from 9p-12a) on Saturday.  I gave the framed picture and the other good prints to Tiff for her birthday.  For her son’s 1st birthday, we got him a 4-in-1 ride in car.  She says he digs it big time.

I think I may have overdone things a bit on Friday and Saturday.  I knew I was thirsty and should have stopped to get something to drink, but I thought that I’d be done soon and home.  I guzzled a good quantity of water before bed.  On Sunday morning at 6am, I woke up really needing to urinate and afterwards had a lot of cramps, but after an hour or so of resting, it calmed down.  I went back to sleep and woke up at 11am with more cramps that got worse (TMI-had a bowel movement – FINALLY).  Afterwards I had a lot of gas pain and an upset stomach and mild backache.  I called my ObDoc who was on call, she recommended I sip some baking soda and water (a bi-carb) and if that didn’t work after an hour, to go to the emergency room.  After another hour I still had a lot of gas pain and then severe cramps and then I became nauseated.  I vomited the water and baking soda (YUCK!!), then I became even more nauseous, and dizzy, and my hands started to shake.  MrBeep took me to the emergency room. I got a full work up – blood pressure normal, temp normal, urine sample normal, blood normal, and the nurse found two healthy heartbeats for the monsters with her doppler.  At no time did I have any spotting or bleeding.  After about 20 minutes, it all increased.  I had tons of pain in my sides, back and cramps in my belly, then I started to shake all over.  They started an IV drip.  After about 3-4 minutes I could feel my whole body relax and calm down, the effect was almost instantaneous.  A couple minutes after that, the nurse gave me an anti-nausea drug and a little pain killer into the IV.  Those things took the rest of the edge off and we stayed in the ER for a couple more hours so they could keep an eye one me.  Since I had so much pain in my sides (left side especially) and back, they did an ultrasound to check my internal organs -  kidneys, liver, pancreas, gall bladder - these all checked out OK.  The ultrasound tech also did a quick heart rate check on the kiddos, they were having a grand old time, doing fine, their heart rates normal.  I was less concerned about them because I could feel them moving and squirming all day.  The feeling was subtle, but unmistakable.  Thank goodness.  In the end, my release papers called it “Abdominal Pain, Uncertain Cause [Female].” I think it was the perfect storm of dehydration, indigestion, and constipation.  All of which got everything including my uterus to start aching and cramping. No fun.

Why am I telling you all of this disgusting stuff, 100% TMI with too many details?  It’s because I recognized my symptoms may be from dehydration as described by other bloggidy friends when they had trouble.  Had I not known this, I would have tried to suck it up at home and risked big problems.  After I came back from the ER, I noticed my sunken eyes with dark circles beneath them  I remembered how dark my urine had been in the last couple of days, etc.  I’m mad at myself for not keeping up and recognizing my lack of liquid intake.  The multiples book and other sources recommend 8 16 oz glasses of water/day.  Yes 128 oz.  That’s over 3 liters or a gallon per day.  Folks, that is a fuckton of liquid.  I didn’t drink a thimble’s worth, I didn’t drink a gallon.  I think I drank around a liter/day in the last few days leading to Sunday (BTW-why can’t the US just go metric?  I mean, c’mon really?)

I am being very good and monitoring my water intake and will do so from now on.  I feel fine and have felt great since about 5 minutes after the IV kicked in.  I will go tomorrow afternoon to the MFM specialist for my 16 week ultrasound.  I’m good.  The monsters are OK.  I thought about keeping this all to myself, lest I seem the drama queen, but then I remembered how much other posts help me, so…there it is.  Sending lots of love out on the wires of the internet to you all.

Talking to the Big Guns

Last week I went to the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist office and I met DrGav.  He seems like a very intelligent and thoughtful man.  My ObDoc loves him, says he’s a sweetheart.  I started off the appointment by answering a ton of personal and family medical history questions with the MFM nurse who stayed during our appointment the whole time.  MrBeep was with me, sitting opposite in a chair, his serious face set and ready.

DrGav arrived and looked over my medical and family history.  We discussed my heterozygous MTHFR issue with the added knowledge about my brother’s thrombosis a couple months ago.  He said that he was glad to know my homocystine level was normal, that was a very good thing.  He was also glad ObDoc kicked the folic acid dosage up and that I was taking a baby aspirin per ObDoc’s instructions.  He said that he didn’t want to put me on any heparin for now because he thinks the baby aspirin and folgard will do fine.  He does want me to take 2 baby aspirin per day instead of 1 because I am carrying twins.  So one in the morning and one in the evening.  Taking two baby aspirin is means the kiddos will get a daily dose of aspirin. They’re so small.  This makes MrBeep nervous which therefore makes me nervous, but we will go with his expert advice.  He said that in order to monitor the babies, we’ll get an ultrasound at 16 weeks and then compare it to future ones to make sure their growth seems on track.  If it is not, then we will assume the MTHFR is causing placental problems and I will go on heparin or lovenox.

They took more blood to check my thyroid.  The results showed all is fine and normal.  DrGav did notice that I had a slightly elevated pulse.  He seems convinced that I will get high blood pressure during this pregnancy because my mom had high blood pressure before her kidneys finally gave out.  I don’t know.  I guess it may be likely.  I have, on his recommendation, bought a home blood pressure monitor (so we can see if it is slowly elevating over time) and I am also cutting out excess sodium.  The blood pressure pre-judgment frustrates me because I have always had normal or low pressure. My mom had it from the time she was in her early twenties, she smoked a pack a day, etc.  I know it can still happen but c’mon.  Honestly it is really hard to take someone’s advice you have just barely met, but I have done my research on this practice and the specialists and they are top notch.  I must admit I agree with him it is important to monitor and try to prevent a serious condition before it happens.  A proactive approach is wise. 

I talked to my mom and my brother and jokingly whined at them that their health problems are causing me grief from my doctors and would they please take better care of themselves.  They promised to do their best.  I see my ObDoc on Wednesday afternoon for a routine check-up.  It’s been three weeks since I heard the little monster’s heartbeats.  Every time I get close to a doctor’s visit I get extra nervous.  Anyone else crazy like that?

It’s interesting how many nice comments say things akin to “Wow. 15 weeks sure did fly by.”  I want your time machine folks because my weeks seem like they are really dragging.  I alternate between nervous terror and excitement.  A small part of me wants to go to sleep and wake up 15 weeks from now, but most wants to savor every minute.  I lay awake in the quiet of the night and try to feel them move.  Sometimes I think I can sense a fluttering and other times I’d swear it’s just my pulse.  C’mon my monsters, Mommy is looking forward to Squirmfest 2010.

2010 A New Year of Possibility

Wow.  2010.  Here I am in the year 2010.  The 2000s were years of great change in my life.  In the last decade I have moved to a new state, married my true love and best friend, shifted my career, found and bought my first home, made many new and wonderful friends.

In my mind I stand now on the road of my life with a marker reading Friday, January 1, 2010. 

It is so strange to be mentally at this place.  It is not a crossroad.  There is only one path I see before me.  Turning around is never an option.  Yet lifting my head to take the first step is daunting and proving harder than I had anticipated.  My mind swirls with possibilities of the future both good and bad.  Joyous and devastating.

I am not always an optimist.  Doubt and worry and fear creep over me.  It is the reason why I chose to write as IF Optimist, then…  I wanted a reason to focus on why my life is good, why I need to choose a place of hope in my heart.  I wanted a reason to believe in the power to keep my mind unclouded with negative things.  I hoped that power would allow me to see what is truly before me, clearly, so I can make the best decision, do the right thing, choose the best path to follow.

I suspect this will be the decade I say goodbye to my wonderful grandparents, now at 88 and 85. I know that they worry and pray for me, I will finally tell them my news in a few weeks after my next ultrasound.  I hope they will get to meet my children some day.  My children?

Will this be the the decade, I will finally go from living as part of a happy couple to a happy family?  Will I get to go from having “monsters” to babies (who will hopefully grow up to earn their name as monster)?  Will I get to the other side of this year with two babies or one or none?  Will there be cause for celebration or sorrow?  Will I be sitting on the floor in a three years, spaghettios in my hair, cleaning crayon off the wall, wondering where my professional career went and why won’t these two just take a freaking nap?  Will I walk into their room 20 minutes later, watch them dozing lazy and warm, and suddenly remember just how lucky I truly am?  Will I get to watch MrBeep grow from a hesitant first time father to a warm and loving daddy?

In my mind I stand now on the road of my life with a marker reading Friday, January 1, 2010…

…taking a deep breath, calming my mind, with sunshine in my heart and a smile brightening my cheeks, I step forward onto the path.

14 weeks – Christmas Meme

Several of you lovely folks out there have posted the Christmas Meme and I have loved it.  I thought I would use it for today.  I hope you are having a good day with those you love the most, because really that’s all that ever matters.  The sun is shining through my window, the color is so radiant and golden and warm.  Today I am at 14 weeks -- 2nd Trimester. I love you my monsters.

1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate?
OK, hot chocolate is for sureseys absolutely wonderful…BUT…during the holidays, I wants me some eggnog.  I can get hot chocolate any time, I can make a fabulous hot chocolate, but there is no way my lazy ass is going to make eggnog.  When the season comes around, I buy my favorite brand too.  Organic Valley.  Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  I always require a dash of fresh nutmeg grind and except for this year (being up the duff and all) I alternate between bourbon and dark rum for a little warm boozy goodness.

2. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
I like wrapping paper because there’s a little more suspense and no peeking!  I don’t like the waste of paper and would some day like to figure out a way to make wrapping from pre-sewn cloth squares and velcro strips/drawstrings.

3. Real tree or artificial?
I love real trees, but MrBeep doesn’t.  He makes a good point by how much mess they make when the needles fall all over the place and they are a fire hazard.  I did splurge and get a decent artificial tree when it was on 75% off mega sale last year.  It’s pretty and very convenient and I can leave it up until after New Years which is nice…but I’d still rather have a real tree.

4. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
I like colored lights, but was on bed rest during decorating season, so we have no lights outside this year. :-(

5. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
I have these little red glass hearts in matte and shiny, with copper colored beads that wrap around and a copper shiny skirt.  I have these pinecone clusters arranged in various places on the tree and the rest is decorated with all different kinds of ornaments.  We have dragons and penguins playing hockey, a panda bear taking a ride on a zeppelin, a skiing frog, the grinch, Seattle space needle bulbs, a pharaoh’s head and we always get a couple of bags of lindor chocolates that have the shiny wrapping, we put those on the tree like ornaments too.

6. Do you hang mistletoe?
No, but now that you mention it, that would be cool.

7. Do you have a nativity scene?
No.

8. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Ehhhhhh…I always mean to do it and then life gets in the way.  I do manage a few New Years cards.

9. What is your favorite holiday dish?
All.  Bring it on, I’m not picky.

10. Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
I always liked going out to pick out the Christmas tree.  We generally didn’t have one or decorate the house when I was a kid because we always went somewhere else on Christmas Eve and Day, but every now and then we got a tree and when we did, I was pretty happy.

11. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
We had put out milk and cookies for Santa one year when I was 7 or so.  I wrote Santa a letter thanking him for coming to the house and telling him that I hope he liked the cookies I baked.  The next day, Santa wrote on the back of the note thanking me for the cookies and that they were delicious…it was in my Dad’s handwriting. 

12. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
No, but I have no problem if someone wanted to.  We are generally at home alone relaxing on Christmas Eve.

13. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Are you kidding?!?  I love snow.  I’m from LA and never had a “White Christmas” growing up.  Now that I live in Seattle, the possibility is there, but we never get enough to be terribly inconvenient.

14. Have you ever recycled a gift?
Rarely.  I’m fairly allergic to things like scented candles, lotions with perfume and the like.  A few times when I have received a very nice quality gift like that I have added it in with the gift I’ve already purchased as a bonus.  Why let it go to waste?  Most people aren’t sensitive to it like I am.

15. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Just being with family and friends.  Having a time of year when everyone takes a few extra moments to wish you cheer and joy in your heart.  I like that.

16. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Apple pie or Pear Tart with Cinnamon ice cream.  I made an eggnog bread pudding last year that was really fabulous.  I’m not a huge chocolate dessert fan.

17. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Cooking dinner for my loved ones and then sitting around the table to enjoy it together.  Love that.

18. What tops your tree?
A shiny silver ornament that looks like a miniature spiral galaxy.

19. Favorite Christmas Show?
Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas, with Boris Karloff narrating and singing.  MrBeep sometimes calls me Cindy Lou Whoo.

20. Saddest Christmas Song?
Grandma got run over by a reindeer, it’s so sad what happend to that old lady.  Brings a tear to my eye every time.

21. What is your favorite Christmas Holiday Song?
Hard to pick.  I like “A Christmas Song” sung by Nat King Cole, “White Christmas” sung by Bing Crosby, “Silver and Gold” sung by Burl Ives and of course “Christmas Is” sung by Lou Rawls

An early Christmas gift

I received an early Christmas gift today, no not a Red Ryder BB Gun.

Last week I posted “Houston, we have nasal bones” with details on my NT ultrasound and first trimester screening test. The genetic counselor from my maternal-fetal medical specialist gave me a call.  The results are in!  We received good news that the results are normal and show a decreased chance of trisomy 13/18/21.

I understand that these are screening tests and not diagnostic tests, but they do allow me to breathe easier for the next month or so before we will get amnio test and results.   

Here’s what we’ve got.  The genetic counselor started with Trisomy 21 (Down syndrome).  Given my age, the normal statistics for a child with Down syndrome is 1 in 62, or a 1.61% chance.  After the screening results, that number is now 1 in 627 for Baby A (.15%) and 1 in 660 for Baby B (.15%).  Going from roughly a one-and-a-half-percent chance to one-tenth-of-a-percent chance is very heartening indeed.  I was pretty happy about that.

For trisomy 13 and trisomy 18 she said the normal listed risk at my age was 1 in 109 or .9% to 1 in 2161 (.04%) for both Baby A and B.  Again this is very good news. 

I feel right now like one of my very favorite Christmas songs…

I am merry, my heart is light.  Big hugs and much love –- Traci.