18w2d – Little things that bring sunshine

Well, what can I say. Ummmmmm. I’m still here. I’m at 18w2d. Monsters are still here.  Cervix measured well on Monday, still closed and long. I had a little brown spotting for the week, but we suspect this may be the old blood clot from the big bleed finally moving through the cervical os and on its way outta here. (Good riddance.) It was very strange to be far enough along that while I spotted, I didn’t have a lot of anxiety or fear attached to it.

Still waiting on the final results for the amnio.  Not terribly stressed, but it will be nice to have closure on that too.  I want to tell my grandparents and SIL and nephews and niece, but am waiting the extra week to know if it is all OK.  I mean, I can wait a freaking week, right?

It’s funny how at this stage in pregnancy I am glad, but I don’t allow myself to get overly confident or excited.  I am beginning to dream of nursery and baby item shopping, but it is too early.  I want to shout HOORAY but am waiting for 24 weeks, or 28 weeks before I feel I can really take that a breath deep enough in order to shout.  My “miscarriage signs” Google searches are now changing to “pre-term labor signs” or “incompetent cervix,” but every now and then it all swings 180°and I am suddenly looking and watching videos on double strollers and thinking things like “How in the hell can I carry two infant car seats at the same time?  I will need arms like She Hulk.” And then I stop and really think, “actually I wouldn’t mind looking like She Hulk.”

I feel little twinges and flutters every now and then, but it is very subtle.  90% of the time I don’t feel anything at all. I generally have to lay down on my side and get very calm and still.  When I focus my mind, I can feel if they move.  Other times I just lay there like a lump and eventually fall asleep because I can’t feel a thing and horizontal = naptime. Every now and then I get distinct movement and it’s like sunshine streamed on my heart.  I was sitting in the park this week, near the waterfront.  I had bought a gyro sandwich and was munching down on a bench with a fabulous view of the water and the boats and Seattle across the lake.  All of a sudden I felt Wiggles and Pips (our not-so official names for the monsters) squirming around.  I sent MrBeep a text message saying “The monsters really like love gyro sandwich with onions.”  He was happy all day and gave me lots of kisses and belly pats when he came home.  He lurves gyro sandwiches.

Sending you a little of my sunshine for your hearts too, whether they be filled with sorrow, or filled with joy or filled with hope.  We all need that sunshine some days.