IF Optimist, then... at 2/18/2011 05:10:00 PM
Here are my 10 minutes to write...
It has been 10 months since they showed up and smiled. I am blessed and exhausted and happy and haunted all at the same time. They were so tiny when they came. Red and wrinkled and fragile while still brave and strong. Each is so unique. Her own little person. MrBeep and I marvel at them every day. They babble and bundle and bounce.
I take each day a minute at a time. Twins are hard. Preemie twins are harder still. There is so much to juggle but every day it gets a little easier.
Celeste is learning to sleep without her swaddle. A big girl with arms flung wide, like she is ready to embrace the world.
She wakes often during the night, testing this new freedom with legs kicking up and thudding on the bed. Her wackiness wakes her sister who is finally cutting her first teeth. Viv's eyes get red, her brow furrows and she wails. I think she is saying, "Hey sister! Stop being silly, it's 2 am and I want to sleep!"
We've had to move them into separate rooms temporarily.
It means that when she wakes, I get to snuggle with Viv and listen to her breathe in the dark. It is a miracle to me.
I try to read a bit and comment a bit when I can. Sending out some love in any and all directions.
IF Optimist, then... at 1/28/2011 09:59:00 AM
OK. So I was either too stupid or lazy or busy or whatthefuckIamsosleepdeprivedIdontknowwhatmonthitis to post when it was time appropriate.
I love halloween and we had a great time giving out candy and for this, the first year ever, I got to go trick or treating with the grrlmonsters. We had had a collection box for UNICEF and raised $38. MrBeep and I matched the money to make it $72, then we gave it to a Microsoft buddy for them to match it making it a grand total of $144 for UNICEF. AWESOME! Here are some pics of that day:
IF Optimist, then... at 1/23/2011 10:59:00 PM
I have sat in the corner of a room in the NICU. Filled with a vast emptiness that I just can't describe with words. Worry consumed my soul, fear gripped my heart and all I could do was quietly sob. Every day I waited by their bedside, hour after hour, quietly whispering...
"How precious you are and how strong my little girls are and to hold on and
We got through each minute, then each hour, then each day. Little by little hope poured in to fill the void where fear had left me empty.
I remember that fear like a knife through me. The "what if The Worse were to happen" dread. I had no idea how my soul could survive.
Today I read about Wiseguy.
She lost her Lola. So wanted and so loved.
My heart is broken for her. I had a drop of rain on the shore while she has the tsnunami.
I wish I could change the world and time. I wish I could give you a hug and let you cry on my shoulder. You have given us all so much kindness and laughter and support. In your time of need we can only give you words. Wiseguy, I have left my comment of love and condolences, but it is a pale thing when surrounded by hopelessness and despair.
IF Optimist, then... at 1/17/2011 09:49:00 PM
I had a great day! A friend stopped by who is 5 months pregnant. She got pregnant that normal way. You know the one. You've read out it. You have this thing called S-E-X and nine months later a baby comes.
Voila! Like magic.
Her pregnancy is going along great. No complications, no worries, no bedrest, no infections, no bleeding.
I am happy for her. It seems strange to sometimes see the world through normal eyes. She is understanding and compassionate about my situation, she talked about what we may be able to do together once her little boy comes along and it makes me begin to feel...
That makes my heart lift a bit.
No more fretting, no more heart-wrenching worry, no more waiting for the other shoe to drop.
We went out for lunch, the girls and she and I. We were "ladies who lunch". The girls napped for the first 40 minutes or so and then they awoke and were interested in the bustle of the restaurant. About the time the check arrived, a little whine escaped from Viv and it was time to go. When we got home the girls had their lunch too, then we headed off for a coffee with another friend.
The girls were giggly and charming and things again begin to turn toward a fresh new life.
A great day. Hope you are having one too.
Sending much love and hope to Jem at Ambivalent Womb whose little embies are baking away. Wishing and hoping and praying to the universe for her.
IF Optimist, then... at 1/16/2011 04:43:00 PM
I know that I am very very late in wishing this to you all. 2010 was a crazy year.
I wanted to take an extra minute to say a heartfelt Congratulations! to Wiseguy who had a little girl. It is always heartening to know that another long journey to find one's family is over and the new journey of motherhood will now begin.
I never know what to say in the blog lately. I feel that I want to say so much, but never feel I can do anything justice. Having twins is double the joy and double the work. I am often without much time to think, let alone write. I need to find a way to make short and sweet work for me. That is a good new year's resolution!
I will post this and say to all I hope that 2011 will be the best year yet for us all.
Also just a little pic of us. Celeste is on the left and Vivien is on the right (I am the grinning dope in the middle).
is a computer geek who wants a family. Should that be so hard? IVF #1 (antagonist protocol) started in May and ended in June with a chemical pregnancy. IVF #2 (micro-dose lupron protocol) that resulted in beautiful twin girls born in April 2010.
I want this blog to be a safe place to write about the new part of our journey. I have tried my best to make this a place to share my thoughts and opinions; a place to rage when I am overcome; a place for humor and optimism during this tenuous time. I also post some specifics of my infertility treatment for others walking a similar path who wander my way. I have been inspired by many wonderful new friends who stop by with sage advice, kind words and deep wisdom. Thanks for visiting.