Honestly, I don’t deserve you all


Just to follow up on my TMI post…I slept better last night than I have in a month.  <sigh>  Love me that MrBeep.

I was nominated over a week ago by the totally awesome Clare at
The Pitter-Patter for the Honest Scrap award.  I kept it in my virtual pocket for a future time where my brain was too scrambled to think of a topic.  Now here I am.  Brain very happy, but extra scramble-y.

So wow.  A blogidy award.  When I started writing about this journey, I wasn’t sure anyone would ever read it, much less be kind enough to comment.  A wonderful thing has happened, I have found a community of extraordinary people with whom I share a common goal - to have a family.  It’s a shame that any of us have to go to such extreme measures to achieve what comes easily to others.  But so many of you do so with humor, grace and good spirit, I learn so much from reading about your days, both good and bad.  It helps me more than I can express.  Thank you.

On to the Honest Scrap.  Here are the rules, once nominated, you get to put the totally cool emblem on your blog (see totally cool picture above – SWEET!).  The first thing I must do for the award is list 10 honest things about myself.  <<insert sound of drumroll>>

10 Honest and very uniquely random things about IF Optimist:

1.  I love to cook.  It is one of my favorite hobbies.  I love everything about it.  The smell of spices toasting in oil, the rhythmic sound of knife tapping on cutting board, eyeing the pan for the perfect shade of amber to indicate doneness, the feel of dough pressing through my hands, toughening little by little until the magic of gluten is revealed by its resilience, and finally the little tastes of the food as it is coming together and finally complete.  Does it need more salt or oil or spice?  Is the vinegar too strong?  Will a dash of sugar create the perfect balance?  What the hell is Umami anyway? :-)

2.  I love to shop at farmers markets and little ethnic supermarkets to find awesome and authentic ingredients.  I am always on the look for the best tea or spices or meat or veggies.  The best and freshest ingredients make a superior meal.  I have 1-2 dinner parties per week where I feed between 6-10 people.  I’m telling ya.  I do this a lot.  I write about food on my other blog. I keep it out of this one, lest it overwhelm.

3.  I am sometimes scared about being “an old mother” but then I remember how naturally silly I am, how I love to get involved, play along and be happy.  I know I have more patience than when I was young. I hope that will make up for my creaky bones.

4.  I grew up in a gang-infested shithole neighborhood in LA when I was a tween-teen. My apartment neighbor sold drugs, including heroin. Sometimes my mom worked the night shift, so I had to be alone in the apartment.  When I heard yelling and arguments next door, I would hide in the bathtub.  Same when the police helicopter went over our neighborhood warning everyone to stay inside. Gunshots from the area often woke me at night.  I fucking hated that place.  I vowed to live somewhere else when I grew up.

5.  When I was 18, my boyfriend graduated college and I moved the hell out of LA and up to beautiful San Francisco.  San Francisco (quick tip: never call it “Frisco” or the natives will hate your guts) is a beautiful place and everyone should visit once in their life.  If it’s summer, bring a sweater. The fog is cold and wet and comes every night!  If you plan to go there send me an email.  ROAD TRIP!

6.  I am currently sitting outside in my garden.  The dragonflies are swirling around, I can smell lavender, the sun is on my hair and a gentle breeze is at my back. My little chipmunk friend is sniffing around about 20 feet from me, stealing my garden strawberries and stuffing his cheeks.  This makes me extremely happy.  I wish I had a bigger garden.

7.  My favorite ice cream is 31 Flavors mint-chip, it has been since I was a little kid.  Loves me that bizarrely waxy chocolate.

8. I was laid off over a year ago (I volunteered to be selected instead of the guy who had a wife and kid to support).  MrBeep and I decided it would be good if I didn’t work during this time.  It allowed me to relax and recover while I went through the 2 uterine surgeries, recovery, IUIs and and now IVFs.  I am grateful I have been able to relax and take it easy during this time, but it is hard for a professional woman to set aside that part of her identity.  I have tried to compensate by working on digital video and web design stuff.  I have filmed, edited and produced two seasons of a local TV show.  Designed and coded two web sites, and shot one short film during my time off.  Not too shabby, but sometimes I still feel like a total slacker.  I still have a ton of video editing to do in my work queue.

9.  I would love to do a documentary about “TTC the hard way”.  IUIs, IVFs, acupuncture, PCOS, loss, adoption.  I completed the documentary program at University of Washington, so I know the pre-production work necessary to do this type of thing the right way.  It is so complex and so utterly personal a subject, yet these stories would help so many others.  I am thinking through if it is possible to accomplish this. 

10.  I want so very much to have all the blogs I follow go from infertility to pregnancy to mommy-blogs.  It is a secret wish of mine to have the same thing for myself.  I can be hopeful, I can be optimistic, but I am also scared that this is just a dream.  I think I will feel so much better, so much more in control when the next IVF cycle starts.

Now I must then choose 7 blogs I find brilliant in content or design, name them on this post, then place a comment on the recipient’s blog informing them of their nomination.  Easy enough?  Well…there are a ton that I would nominate, but most of the blogs I follow have already won the award.  I was happy to open this up to more blogs that are really awesome, I have on my reading list, and who have not posted the Honest Scrap award (as far as I was able to search). 

Here are the blogs I award with Honest Scrap. I chose these blogs because of their honest and courageous posts.  You awesome ladies shouldn’t feel obligated to play in this “pass it game” but I want you to know how much I have appreciated your words and thoughts.  Thank you.

I can’t whistle
Danana Wants a Baby 
FET Accompli
The Sassy Infertile Lady
Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings
Impatiently waiting

9 comments on "Honestly, I don’t deserve you all"

FET Accompli on June 27, 2009 at 9:55 PM said...

Wow, 1-2 dinner parites a week, with 6-10 people - that's amazing! It also sounds really lovely, and it must be so much fun to spend time with your friends/family over delicious meals you have lovingly prepared.

I never used to cook, and started just a few years ago. I used to work incredibly long hours and would get home towards midnight and crawl into the bed kept warm by my hubby. So when I started taking time off during chemo, it became one of my goals to cook and tend to my hubby. Not in an old-school barefoot-in-kitchen sense, but in the sense of nurturing my hubbie with love and wholesome food. (On days that I felt okay). And since I've been back at work, I've kept up with cooking at least a few times a week.

Also, wow about living in a gang-hood. Sounds pretty awful actually.

Thanks for the tag, I will also set it aside until I gather my thoughts :-)

sassy on June 27, 2009 at 11:17 PM said...

I love your documentary idea.

My husband is an amateur film hobbyist, he's document a lot of out journey as well. We're hoping one day to show it to our child, so that he can see how much we wanted and loved him before he even existed.

ryanandjoesmom on June 28, 2009 at 6:23 AM said...

This IF community is pretty amazing!

Pie on June 28, 2009 at 6:59 AM said...

Congrats on your award! I love to cook and go to farmer's markets too! I went yesterday and am munching on the cherries I bought right now for breakfast. There is something soothing about chopping and cooking. And I love your documentary idea. I often feel those of us that struggle with this have to keep hidden, like its a taboo to talk about. And with your kind and optimisitc touch it would be a wonderful movie.

FET Accompli on June 28, 2009 at 7:25 AM said...

Thanks for your response - I have totally notice that lots of names start (and end) with "A" these days... Case in point:

Lou on June 28, 2009 at 2:17 PM said...

I love your post. Thank you so much for thinking of me and my little unknown blog! Thanks for always reading and commenting. I always really appreciate your feedback & kindness! Take care! :-D

mekate on June 28, 2009 at 5:13 PM said...

sweetie, thank you! I will honor the award soon.
and you--
I love that you are thinking about a documentary- I would have said yes a the beginning of my journey, but I also did not think it would have taken me where I am now--

thanks so much, really.

Marie on June 29, 2009 at 9:17 AM said...

Wow - thanks so much for the award!!! I just discovered it. :) I will do my best to honor it and pay it forward.
Our "10 things about me" list may look weirdly similar, but that's really because of coincedence -- not me ripping off your list.
I'm glad you're feeling better, glad I found your blog, and will be rooting for you from my corner of the internet.......

Clare on June 29, 2009 at 9:32 AM said...

I think your documentary would be amazing. You should start writing it now! I would so love to see that. San Fran sounds like an amazing city, i must come and visit one day! You totally deserve this award, I would be interested to hear more about your childhood and your journey out of that hellish place.


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