The first and most important thing to tell everyone today is how much I appreciate all of your kind words, good thoughts, prayers and wishes.  I was a little shy about documenting this journey and opening my wounds to the world, but ultimately I hoped it would help others as well as me.  I can’t express how much finding my new bloggidy friends who are experiencing the same roller coaster of frustrations and hopes and joys means to me.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I woke up this morning at the godawful early hour of 6:40 am (I went to sleep at 1:40 am), grabbed a pregnancy test and used it.  After counting the required seconds in the stream, I placed it on a washcloth on the bathroom counter, covered it with tissue so I couldn’t read it, then left the room to get dressed.   Next I headed to the RE office for my 2nd beta/blood test.  I took along a container of strawberries freshly picked from my garden the evening before.  I wanted to give a little thanks to everyone at the office who have been so absolutely kind to me, they all kept telling us how much they were rooting for a positive and I know that they are all sincere and really care.  That also means so much during these delicate times.

One of the RE nurses, Katie stopped me as I came out of phlebotomy.  We talked in a room and I let her know that I didn’t think it worked since my pee test was negative the day before, but I wanted to make her aware of a few pains in my left side (near ovary/tubes area).  She told me that they would keep an eye on these beta numbers, and to not give up hope yet.  She did mention to call them any time day or night, even the emergency line if I had questions, but if I found I was in extreme pain, to head straight to the emergency room.  We talked a little about this IVF cycle, I mentioned I was ready to do another one if the doctors said it was OK.  She said that things overall looked pretty good.  I did stimulate well, we got to both egg retrieval and transfer, so the outlook was still overall pretty good.

I drove home and as soon as I got into the house went to check the results of the pee stick.  NOT PREGNANT was blazing up at me.  I wasn’t surprised.  I was back early enough to enjoy a snuggle with MrBeep.  I climbed in bed and told him the POAS results.  He held me tight, gave me lots of kisses and we talked. I started to cry and told him “I just didn’t do good enough for our monsters. They needed a better home with the best material possible, but I didn’t have it this time.  They are picky little monsters and I don’t blame them.”  MrBeep reminded me that this was something we had to work on and we knew it may take some rounds to hopefully reach success.  He said we’d work to find the best way to keep a monster or two.  I really hope he is right. 

I miss my monsters already.

MrBeep offered to stay home from work today, but I told him I had a ton of preparation for our short film shoot this weekend.  I told him I would call him with the news from the RE’s office and I asked him to try to come home early if the news was negative.  The call came around 2:15 p.m.  The nurse said she had spoke with Katie about our chat and she knew that I was perhaps expecting this news…”I’m sorry but the number has gone down today, it’s now at 10.4” she said.  I told her that I had checked the pee stick from this morning and knew.  The nurse was really sweet and supportive.  She told me to stop my meds.  She explained that they usually require a cycle off to let your hormones get back to normal, but that she would talk with my doctor and we may use this next cycle for the prep (some take birth control pills, my protocol is estrace/antagonist the couple of weeks before stimming).  We scheduled a cycle review meeting with DocO on Monday morning at 9:30 a.m.  So I will get my WTF meeting early next week.  I called MrBeep and gave him all of the news and plans.  He made me feel better and will be coming home early.  I love and appreciate him so much, it makes my heart ache.

I know this may sound trite or hokey, but I still feel really lucky.  I did not have some of the unbearable stress that many folks have had to endure due to the assvice of others, doctors who could give a shit, clinics that treat them as a number instead of a person, problems at work trying to juggle a challenging IVF schedule, or even medical complications along the way that would indicate really dire problems during a future IVF try.  The truth is, we all want to be that miracle IVFer, to be the “it worked on the first try girl” but given my age, the chances were in a room of 3 people, 2 wouldn’t come out with baby in their arms.  I was one of those two who didn’t and perhaps that’s OK.  I can afford another round, my spirit is not broken, time is ticking…but it has not run out.  In the end I will get the monster of my dreams.  In the end, I am still IF Optimist.

10 comments on "Nope."

Sprogblogger on June 17, 2009 at 4:26 PM said...

Oh honey, I am so very sorry. There are no good words, only that I know how much it sucks to think you've finally attained what you've been trying for, so very hard - then to have it snatched away again. It's a miserable place to be and I'm sorry you're there, I've been stalking my blogreader all day, hoping to see good news from you, and I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes, wishing you hadn't had to write this strong, thougthful post. MrBeep is right, you WILL find a way to make it work.

I'm glad your clinic is treating you right, glad MrBeep is so good to you, and glad you're planning on giving it another go.

You're in my thoughts tonight.

jill on June 17, 2009 at 4:32 PM said...

Aww I'm sorry it didn't work this time. Many *HUG*s being sent your way!

I love your attitude though and I can't wait to cheer you on for the next cycle! :)

Sunny on June 17, 2009 at 6:38 PM said...

I'm so sorry. :( I've had a chemical pregnancy and I know how hard it is to *almost* be there! I'm glad you are already looking forward to next cycle -- here's to sticky, sticky beans!

FET Accompli on June 17, 2009 at 7:51 PM said...

I am so sorry. I know there was so much hope, and the feeling of "this could be the one that works!" You are determined, and optimistic, and resourceful - keep the faith. Sending hugs your way.

Liv on June 17, 2009 at 7:52 PM said...

Oh, my dear. This kills me. I am so sorry. And can I just say that Sprogblogger's comment is so right on. I too stalked my reader looking out for you and I read this at work and was crushed.

I love how you ended your post counting for what you feel lucky for. You are an amazing gal, and I'm happy to consider you my blogidy friend. :-)

Many hugs to you and wishes for little monsters for you soon.

Kate on June 17, 2009 at 8:34 PM said...

Oh darn, that really sucks. Sounds like you've got a wonderful DH to get through this crap with, and your clinic sounds completely fantastic in terms of how they're delivering the news and doing what they can to let you move on to a new cycle as quickly as you feel ready to.
Hopefully now that one of your embryos has primed your uterus, the next to get transferred will stick around for the long haul!

Phoebe on June 17, 2009 at 8:52 PM said...

I'm so sorry! I know beneath all the optimism, that this is devastating. I only say this because I have been there myself - trying to put on an optimistic face, but having to deal with the grief of the loss as well. Big hugs to you. I'll be here for you no matter what happens next. And I miss all my little monsters too :(

Liana on June 18, 2009 at 6:04 AM said...

I'll go ahead and say it: This sucks. I know it does because I'm awaiting my own nasty little number today and as prepared as I am for it to be approaching zero, I'm still going to be slightly surprised by it and hate hearing it. Isn't it a funny kind of comfort though to know that you can roll right into the next try? Somehow it takes away just a touch of the sting. Maybe because we can defer our disappointment? Maybe because it means we know we're still actively trying so there's still a chance? I don't know how to word it. I just know that it's easier to take bad results when you're not headed into an off-cycle.

One Who Understands on June 18, 2009 at 7:35 AM said...

I am so sorry. I am truly amazed by your attitude to it all. What an inspiration you are to us all. I was really hoping and praying for you yesterday. Thank goodness for wonderful MrBeep! I can't imagine going through all of this IF stuff without such a wonderful husband. And what a blessing you do have the means to try again. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for your next cycle.

Clare on June 18, 2009 at 11:59 PM said...

Sorry to hear about this. But I awarded you Honest Scrap for your honest and brave posts:


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