I’m a leaving on a jet plane

Here I am, on a plane, thinking, typing. I’m travelling to LA to visit my parents, brother, grandma and grandpa.  I look forward to seeing them but hate being down there in the hot months  The pacific northwest has shifted my temperature tolerance.  I can wander around in shorts and a tee shirt when it is raining, windy and 45 degrees, I have photo proof of me in a tank top on the ski slopes, but get me over 85 and I get way too hot and cranky.  I’ll do my best to consider the ninety degree heat as a “vacation.”  I will only be gone for a week, so I’ll suck it up.

I have a tentative plan is to spend one day at the beach with my nephews and niece.  I haven’t played in the waves in years.  I used to love body surfing (couldn’t afford a board) and just swimming and jumping waves.  Staying in the waves for hours, your body gets accustomed to the sway of the tide.  When you go to bed that night, you can still feel the waves pulling and pushing you.  A strange muscle memory that gently rocks you to sleep.

On the TTC front, I am 6dpo, so about the time I return home I will know if we were successful this cycle trying on our own “au natural.”  I would love it if were were one of those magic couples who get pregnant before their next IVF cycle (I love those triumph stories) but I honestly don’t hold out much hope. I think the MF makes our chances so low (probably less than 5%) that I can’t bring myself to get excited any more.  Anyone else feel like that?  To top it off, in the last week I’ve had to tell about a dozen close IRL friends and family that no, we’re not pregnant and no, the IVF didn’t work, and yes we are going to try again and here’s what happened with the meds.  I feel the need to explain why it didn’t work (beyond the chemical) and why it is OK to try again, despite the meds and hassle and costs.  I know that I shouldn’t have to feel that way, but I do.  I think it is my own screwed up coping mechanism.  I am a tad frustrated at MrBeep who didn’t tell his folks anything and I got the excited MIL call yesterday, “So I was wondering when you are going to take a pregnancy test?” I stood there, feeling like I had been punched in the gut and finally replied flatly “I’m not pregnant.”  <pause>  “I assumed MrBeep would have told you.”  I didn’t offer any details, no explanations.  Generally speaking, everyone is very kind to me and they all say the right things (I don’t get much assvice, thank the universe).  But it’s really hard not to get upset and and feel wounded and sometimes I just want to crawl under a rock and not emerge until I have some good news.  I would have loved to had the opportunity to keep this all a secret just between me and MrBeep, but circumstances made it impossible.  I fucking hate it sometimes.  I am trying to figure out how to keep IVF #2 a little more under the radar, any suggestions?

OK.  I’m shaking the darkness and cobwebs out of my head.  I get to see my mom in about an hour, we’ll eat breakfast (LA = awesome breakfast burritos + fresh salsa) Cheering up now.  Things are still fine, and there’s hope in them thar hills.

10 comments on "I’m a leaving on a jet plane"

jill on July 8, 2009 at 2:16 PM said...

Hope you have a great trip! I lived about an hour south of LA for three years and loved it. I can easily deal with the heat though. Hopefully it stays right in the low 80s for you :) Play in the waves an extra 5 mins for me - oh how I miss the ocean...

Sprogblogger on July 8, 2009 at 2:46 PM said...

I hope you have a fantastic trip. I miss the Pacific ocean. The Atlantic is not the same at all, and many of my childhood summers were spent in Southern California swimming in the surf.

*nostalgic sigh*

As far as keeping things under your hat, I have no idea how to do it. Of course, I'm a blabbermouth who also happens to wear her heart on her sleeve, so if everyone I know knows I've been going through an IVF cycle and then I walk around with a face longer than a basset hound's no one bugs me too much about "so how did it go?"

IVF sucks, no doubt about it.

K on July 8, 2009 at 3:06 PM said...

Yes, I know EXACTLY what you mean about the less than optimistic feeling xDPO. My DH has severe MFI, making anything natural, including our DIY IUI's virtually useless. And our IVF 1+ did not work. Starting our 3rd attempt next month out of state...virtually impossible to lie about it. I wish I had suggestions for you. I did, however, find that making myself scarce (in person and via phone) helped. Blamed it on being busy with work or stuff...

One Who Understands on July 8, 2009 at 3:14 PM said...

Oh the lovely CA heat. I live in the central valley, so I know all about the heat. It hasn't been super hot here, and we do seem to get some breeze out of the bay area.

So would you recommend not telling everyone you are doing IVF during the cycle?? I have considered what we will do a million times. And I really go back and forth. It is so hard to decide. Maybe we will just tell my mom and best friend. Maybe everyone in our circle of friends. But what if we fail...

Have fun in LA and try to stay cool.

FET Accompli on July 8, 2009 at 8:10 PM said...

I know what you mean about wanting to keep things on the down-low. My hubbie and I just prefer to keep a lot of things to ourselves. We'll let family and friends know when we have news on our own time and when we're ready.

When your MIL asked if you were pregnant, that must have felt like a real blow. I can totally relate - my parents-in-law have unintentionally said things that are pretty hurtful, even if they mean well.

Have a great trip :-)

Sunny on July 8, 2009 at 8:11 PM said...

Have a WONDERFUL trip. I nodded right there along with you this entire post -- the temperature adjustment (75 degrees is hot enough for me these days, thank you very much), the hopelessness of the "natural" TWW, and the inclination to keep things quiet.

My thought on IVF #2: can you lie and say you are taking a break? And tell afterwards? Would they understand?

Oh, and when you get back, check out my blog. I'm giving you an award. :)

Clare on July 9, 2009 at 12:34 AM said...

Have a wonderful trip - I too love being in the warm ocean and i miss that swishing and swaying you feel at night after spending the day in the sea - it's the best sleep i ever have!

I know about the lack of hope trying au naturel, with such strong MF - I dont think we stand a chance, well i know there's always a chance, but chance never seems to stick around for us... would be amazing to be one of those couples, I agree!

Kate on July 9, 2009 at 5:50 AM said...

Hope you have a great trip!
I'm a bit of a blabbermouth about infertility stuff. My parents and brother knew about both IVFs, though it was mostly my mother asking how things went. Some people at work knew (felt I had to tell them to give them added incentive to make scheduling changes easy for me), and a couple friends knew. The friends never asked about it, nor really did anyone at work.
Maybe if you feel the need to tell some people for support, mention that you're going to try another round, but you'll bring things up if and when you want to talk about them. And that if you don't mention it yourself, you'd rather not be chatting about it? I do think that MrBeep should have told his parents the outcome if he'd kept them in the loop in the first place.
I felt kind of relieved the few months we weren't trying while waiting for IVF. No sex = no possibility of baby, which meant I wasn't obsessing about temperatures or peeing on a ton of sticks. Despite our MF + my issues, even though I knew there was little hope with natural or even medicated cycles, I still couldn't help thinking what if. I certainly wasn't excited, but I wasn't entirely hopeless.

mekate on July 9, 2009 at 8:23 PM said...

hope your trip is going wonderfully. I loved your photos of the park in seattle! I wish I had spent more time there exploring instead of just working and surviving. A decision I wish I could remake.

Hope you find out you got pregnant this month, I just think that would be grant on every level.

as for self protection, my sister gave me the greatest gift once- she said come up with one irrefutable statement that any reasonable person would back away from
something like-
I am sure you'll understand this is just too difficult for me to talk about.

or, we're in the middle of considering our options and I promise we'll share when we're ready

or something like that.

good luck and happy oceaning,

mekate on July 10, 2009 at 4:58 PM said...

sweetie--about the haiku comment, steal away and I can't wait to see what you make of it/with it!
I love ART ART


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