Feeling nervous and vulnerable

I’m going crazy.  I finally got a morning off from the madness of the film shooting and production problem solving and I lost it.  I woke up this morning so nervous about the results.  My symptoms are few.  Breasts are only slightly tender, with the feeling of heavyness and pressure – but that may be the prometrium.  Nipples are alternately completely normal and then sticking out like gumdrops, sensitive like crazy. 

What. The. Hell.

After you have had a couple of uterine surgeries your mind can hone in on the feeling of your uterus inside your body and mine seems different, weighty, achy, more crampy on 2dp5dt and 3dp5dt and a little wiggly and crampy afterward…but hell that could be the prometrium, PMS, bad craft services food chowed down at 2am while you wait the next camera/lighting setup.  Whothehellknows.

Filming is exciting, frustrating, chaotic, maddening.  In addition to being the producer, I am also the assistant editor, so I have been capturing the daily footage onto my quad-core mac.  It looks great.  The direction is awesome, the lighting and camera superb, the actors sublime.  You can get updates and become a fan on face.book.  Send me an email ifoptimist-at-gmail and I can give you the link.  I think you’ll be able to figure out which one of the fans is me.  There are other aspects of being a first-time producer that are too stressful and these creative types along some flakiness and poor communication skills are driving me crazy.  These people are not like IT computer geeks.  There is too much that feels like herding cats.  Am I complaining?  Are you ready to bitch-slap me?  I should shut the hell up.

I have had some good questions on comments I’d like to address here. 

How old are you? 
I am 40.  I will be 41 in December.  It is a shitty and scary place to be for IF’ers.  Kind of the last chance saloon before the statistics really beat you emotionally into a bloody pulp.

When is beta day? 
It was going to be Friday, but I pushed it to Saturday.  We have no filming that day and I want to be alone with MrBeep no matter what the news.

Are you going to POAS? 
I was going to do it today and then dug around my cupboards and had no peesticks.  I thought about buying one to know early for sure, but we decided to just wait for the bloodtest.  It is more sensitive and I can’t play that hope/no hope game.

Did any others make it to freeze?
I actually don’t know this.  I have been playing phone tag with the RE nurse for days (my fault).  I suspect it is bad news since they didn’t just leave a message with the number, but who knows what their standard operating procedure is for these things.

While I have every reason to be hopeful, I still think I am due for a long road of heartache.  I just can’t believe I will be one of the lucky ones.  I don’t know if it is a coping mechanism or what.  The Ache and The Empty overpowered me today and I had to talk to MrBeep.  I am so nervous and vulnerable.  I don’t want to give up on hope.  I want to have a happy ending.  I want my share of magic too.  I’ve got 3 more days to go.  I need to calm down.  I can make it.  Thanks for your support.  I love you all.  BIG BREATH.  **Whew**