Feeling nervous and vulnerable

I’m going crazy.  I finally got a morning off from the madness of the film shooting and production problem solving and I lost it.  I woke up this morning so nervous about the results.  My symptoms are few.  Breasts are only slightly tender, with the feeling of heavyness and pressure – but that may be the prometrium.  Nipples are alternately completely normal and then sticking out like gumdrops, sensitive like crazy. 

What. The. Hell.

After you have had a couple of uterine surgeries your mind can hone in on the feeling of your uterus inside your body and mine seems different, weighty, achy, more crampy on 2dp5dt and 3dp5dt and a little wiggly and crampy afterward…but hell that could be the prometrium, PMS, bad craft services food chowed down at 2am while you wait the next camera/lighting setup.  Whothehellknows.

Filming is exciting, frustrating, chaotic, maddening.  In addition to being the producer, I am also the assistant editor, so I have been capturing the daily footage onto my quad-core mac.  It looks great.  The direction is awesome, the lighting and camera superb, the actors sublime.  You can get updates and become a fan on face.book.  Send me an email ifoptimist-at-gmail and I can give you the link.  I think you’ll be able to figure out which one of the fans is me.  There are other aspects of being a first-time producer that are too stressful and these creative types along some flakiness and poor communication skills are driving me crazy.  These people are not like IT computer geeks.  There is too much that feels like herding cats.  Am I complaining?  Are you ready to bitch-slap me?  I should shut the hell up.

I have had some good questions on comments I’d like to address here. 

How old are you? 
I am 40.  I will be 41 in December.  It is a shitty and scary place to be for IF’ers.  Kind of the last chance saloon before the statistics really beat you emotionally into a bloody pulp.

When is beta day? 
It was going to be Friday, but I pushed it to Saturday.  We have no filming that day and I want to be alone with MrBeep no matter what the news.

Are you going to POAS? 
I was going to do it today and then dug around my cupboards and had no peesticks.  I thought about buying one to know early for sure, but we decided to just wait for the bloodtest.  It is more sensitive and I can’t play that hope/no hope game.

Did any others make it to freeze?
I actually don’t know this.  I have been playing phone tag with the RE nurse for days (my fault).  I suspect it is bad news since they didn’t just leave a message with the number, but who knows what their standard operating procedure is for these things.

While I have every reason to be hopeful, I still think I am due for a long road of heartache.  I just can’t believe I will be one of the lucky ones.  I don’t know if it is a coping mechanism or what.  The Ache and The Empty overpowered me today and I had to talk to MrBeep.  I am so nervous and vulnerable.  I don’t want to give up on hope.  I want to have a happy ending.  I want my share of magic too.  I’ve got 3 more days to go.  I need to calm down.  I can make it.  Thanks for your support.  I love you all.  BIG BREATH.  **Whew**

16 comments on "Feeling nervous and vulnerable"

Pie on October 14, 2009 at 2:41 PM said...

Keep hanging in there! I think the last few days are the worst. I don't have any great advice, or good interpretation of symptoms. All I can offer is lots of virtual ((((HUGS)))) and know we've here to support you.

mekate on October 14, 2009 at 2:56 PM said...

sweetie pie,
so progesterone supplements cause me no symptoms but sleepiness so if anything is going on with you I'd be optimistic.
I would love the link. Of course!

Thinking of you and your magical ones,
Ok universe, a plea:
Please let this just work.

kate (aka bloody pulper)

Sprogblogger on October 14, 2009 at 3:35 PM said...

I am SO wanting this to work for you. FWIW, you sure sound preggers to me, symptom-wise.

Shall be blog-stalking til they call on Saturday - ah, who am I kidding? I always stalk your blog, but I'll be stalking it with extra special attention til then.

Sunny on October 14, 2009 at 3:37 PM said...

Oh T, my heart is aching that I wish I could see the future and tell you GOOD NEWS! I think about you often and send up little prayers for those sticky beans. With the progesterone and such, it's probably too difficult to tell by symptoms alone. Only three days until Saturday... you can make it.

Kate on October 14, 2009 at 4:23 PM said...

I am SO rooting for you. Will be following anxiously and praying you get only good news.

K on October 14, 2009 at 4:56 PM said...

Holy shit you are busy...and trying to be pg at the same time. My gawd. I will shoot you an email for the FB scoop. I had NO idea you were so seriosly entrenched in the project and wearing so many hats! No wonder we haven't heard from you every day. :) (Like I can talk.) Did not end up making it to Seattle for the weekend. DH went without me as Monday was the only day for 3 weeks I could get the OB appointment. Something I will blog about later.

meinsideout on October 14, 2009 at 5:17 PM said...

This is the worst part of the wait! I hope that being busy makes it go faster! I am really, really pulling for you - and there is no reason why it cannot happen for you.

JJ on October 14, 2009 at 5:56 PM said...

I know this part is soooo hard....almost there! Been thinking so many happy things for you and all on board :)

Simple on October 14, 2009 at 6:32 PM said...

Sounds like you lead quite an exciting life, job-wise! I love reading about it! Keep holding on & know so many of us are cheering you on -- sending you positive vibes. :)

Mad Hatter on October 14, 2009 at 8:40 PM said...

Producing films AND babies! Both are hell! I personally have more experience on the film side than the baby side, but they both seem to involve a lot of hurry up and wait and getting a bunch of people in sync, no? And you really don't know how it's going to turn out in the end, for so much is beyond your control, so you just have to breathe and focus on each task at hand and step by step, breath by breath, get closer to the final result...Wishing and hoping with all my might that you get magnificent news on Saturday, my friend!!!

WiseGuy on October 14, 2009 at 11:20 PM said...

Hoping it is nothing but great news on Saturday.

Regarding my post....What I meant was that hubby has been always very cooperative with SAs. But I am not sure how accepting he would be for this new test.

Phoebe on October 15, 2009 at 1:45 PM said...

I'm feeling very hopeful for you. Women do get pg at 40 with IVF, so don't let your number psyche you out. If it makes you feel any better, I'm at the "statistics beating you into a pulp" age. You just can't let it bother you. La la la la la laaa...

mekate on October 15, 2009 at 5:41 PM said...

thinking of you
thinking of your three nestling in (hope not all 3 unless you are wanting that)--


Photogrl on October 15, 2009 at 6:17 PM said...

Snuggle in little monsters, snuggle in!

Hoping, wishing, praying for a wonderful Saturday full of GREAT news!

Rotten on October 15, 2009 at 8:58 PM said...

I can say that as a former film/tv industry over worked Art Director, the only thing keeping you from going crazy waiting is probably your job. :) Hang in there. We're here waiting with you.

Elizabeth on October 16, 2009 at 11:02 AM said...

Hi -- de-lurking to say I'm thinking of you and hoping for good news for you tomorrow!


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