Hiding out

Symptom watch:  generally feeling great – tiny bit of breast tenderness and sensitive nips, very minor occasional queasiness, heavy feeling in uterus, slight fatigue.  All of these symptoms can be caused by pregnancy or progesterone.  A little bit of good news?  No spotting whatsoever.  I called my mom who said she didn’t really have morning sickness, and never vomited.  Maybe a slight upset tummy once and a while but never anything else.  I also never get motion sickness in cars, roller coasters, etc.  Generally the bigger, faster and spinnier a carnival ride the better for me, so maybe I am just not very susceptible (studies seem to indicate this).  However, I am still very edgy since it is the LOSS of symptoms I had in weeks 5-8 rather than their total absence that makes me nervous.  The always wonderful MeKate provided an excellent link in one of her comments that did calm my panic.  You should absolutely check it out.

Truth is, I’m hiding out.  I’m doing everything I can to avoid people I know in real life because I am dreading the question of how things are going with the IVF/How are you feeling *hint, hint*/Any news *wink, wink*.  Thanks to the vivid dreams lately, I’ve actually been having nightmares about it.  Oh and those vivid dreams can be caused by…ready for it…pregnancy OR progesterone.  So does that symptom help me know whether I’m still knocked up or not?  No.  Gah!

I have a friend hinting to a group of us how she needs help packing for their move to a new home.  Normally this is the type of thing that I am right on, but I don’t want to talk about my current status while I am alone with my friend.  Oh and did I mention their 10 month old that I would help to babysit during that time?  Oh yeah, there’s that too.  So the talk would be 100% baby baby baby. Plus, I shouldn’t lift anything heavy, I can’t drink (I know they’ll offer) and they have two cats and I don’t know how much stuff I want to touch.  What if they want me to help pack their laundry room where the litter box is located?  I know…not likely but would YOU want to do it? 

I am supposed to go to a dinner/football thing on Saturday evening.  MrBeep’s parents (who we told I was pregnant at 5w4d--that’s another story) will be there and I don’t want to endure any positive hopeful looks while I am feeling like all is lost.  MrBeep promised to talk to them about keeping it on the down low.  I really want to attend and eat and watch the game, I just wish I could do it undercover.  Anyone got some dark sunglasses?

My friend M, who I have mentioned in a 4 part series, should be giving birth at any minute, if she hasn’t already done so.  She travelled to a country in Latin America to deliver and I don’t know any news.  Honestly, I don’t really want to.  The problem is I will see a mutual friend who knows everything at the football thing and will be sure to update me. I can’t stand the idea hearing how one person had their baby while I am thinking I lost mine. I know…I am a total shitty friend.

Also I don’t want be around anyone because I just don’t know what I can say.  Yes?  No?  Maybe?  I don’t want to break into tears.  I don’t know how to gracefully skirt the question.  I just want a couple more weeks to get farther along.  I want a little more time to feel confident.  I’ll feel much better if there is good news at the Sunday ultrasound (well, duh…of course I’ll feel a bajillion times better).  But if that is positive news, then I will get a fetal doppler and give it to MrBeep.  He can regulate its use on a freakout/need to know ratio. 

A huge part of me thinks I should push for an ultrasound on Friday afternoon, that way I can skip all interaction on the weekend if it is bad news or enjoy the weekend if it is good news.  An interesting idea, but I don’t know if MrBeep could be there or if they have any open appointments.  I don’t want to get bad news without him there to be with me.  Maybe I should just say I’m PUPO, push back these worries and enjoy my Saturday.  What would you do?

13 comments on "Hiding out"

Sunny on November 19, 2009 at 12:53 PM said...

Do you want my *honest* opinion? You are not PUPO, no more than I am -- you are PREGNANT. (Okay, I'm a little farther along, but you get what I'm saying... we both have seen two heartbeats on two little wriggly beans, and you wouldn't say I'm PUPO!) I think you've been to hell and back, and you are naturally nervous during the scary first trimester.

That being said, if you can arrange for an u/s on Friday, do it. Make yourself feel better so you can enjoy the weekend.

And there is no rule that you have to share your news with everyone yet if you aren't ready. If you want to lay low for a couple of weeks until you get that daily confirmation on the doppler, it's your absolute right. This is a happy time to focus on you and MrBeep and your amazing secret, not to worry about other people (even if they are important, wonderful people).

Kate on November 19, 2009 at 1:45 PM said...

I didn't tell anyone outside of a couple of close friends and my immediate family till after my NT scan. Probably helps that we're not terribly social anyhow. Didn't tell DH's family till after the NT scan either (his decision).
I don't think symptoms could disappear so quickly if something were to happen, because it should take a little while for the HCG and progesterone levels to drop.
I'd want to wait till Sun to have Mr Beep at the u/s with me, and would just have him tell his family not to discuss the pregnancy till you're ready to bring it up again.
Don't volunteer to help your friends pack - more stress than you need right now.
Just try (easier said than done) to relax and accept that you're pg.

Pie on November 19, 2009 at 2:18 PM said...

What would I do? Push for the U/S yesterday. Or Friday, or whenever they can squeeze you in after camping out in the waiting room scaring all the other patients. Seriously, why put yourself through additional days of mental anguish?

I think this is part of the IVF/IF PTSD we all have. You need more reassurance than the average preggers, and that totally ok, reasonable and expected.

While I'm very confident that it'll all turn out ok for you, if it were my belly, I'd be in there begging for an U/S faster than it took me to type this. Seriously.

mekate on November 19, 2009 at 7:05 PM said...

I think whatever helps you with your CURRENT freakout/need to know ratio is what you need to do-- ultrasound? then do it. ask, cajole, wheedle, beg. I think that a little reassurance (ok, in this case, a LOT of reassurance) would be a great thing and save you one whole day and night of horrible anticpatory dread.

Fucking IF.

thinking of you and sending love,

meinsideout on November 19, 2009 at 7:15 PM said...

I am a freak - I would get the u/s. I got a ton early on because I was just plain scared and I felt that I lost all symptoms a bunch of times. I am not the type to self soothe - I need outside reassurance - but - bottom line, do what you need to do to stay sane!

BTW - you sound pretty pregnant to me!

Mrs. Gamgee on November 19, 2009 at 8:48 PM said...

I'm with the others... at least try to get an earlier U/S appointment. I think you will feel miles and miles better when you've seen your little monsters wiggling around.

And as for your friend who's moving... I think it's high time that MrBeep planned some sort of weekend outing that would just make it impossible for you to be there to help. Maybe get them a great housewarming gift as a way of making it up to them?

You need to be selfish now... do what feels right for you!

One Who Understands on November 20, 2009 at 7:46 AM said...

I am with all the other ladies. Call to see if you can get an u/s ASAP. Peace of mind is worth being "that patient". I really think there should be OBGYN's just for infertile patients, that way when we call to get u/s every week they will understand.

Play the sick card if needed with friends. You shouldn’t feel pressured to tell everyone about your pregnancy just yet. Heck, even very fertile women will wait until after week 12-14 before they start telling. So do just hide out. Relax, you are pregnant!! You deserve a break.

sunflowerchilde on November 20, 2009 at 8:03 AM said...

Ugh, I can sympathize with you. I am going to a going-away dinner for a friend tonight, and no one knows I am pregnant yet. But they DO know we've been doing treatments, and one or two know the specific timing (including one friend who is also IF), so if they notice that I'm not drinking, they'll ask for sure. And I'm not ready to tell, and I don't want to lie outright - I don't know what to do!

I do agree that if you can get an earlier u/s, it's a good idea (I wish I could!).

Meegs on November 20, 2009 at 11:14 AM said...

Ditto Sunny:
"Do you want my *honest* opinion? You are not PUPO, no more than I am -- you are PREGNANT. (Okay, I'm a little farther along, but you get what I'm saying... we both have seen two heartbeats on two little wriggly beans, and you wouldn't say I'm PUPO!) I think you've been to hell and back, and you are naturally nervous during the scary first trimester."

I always say that lack of symptoms is not a symptom.

But you also need to be able to relax and if that means an ultrasound, then call and get one.

And don't feel like you have to share your news with anyone. After our first loss, we kept this one in the bag until after the NT scan at 12 weeks. If people asked how things were *going*, I would just shrug and give my most non-committal, "they're going." It's your business... you get to decide when to share.

mekate on November 20, 2009 at 7:21 PM said...

sending love
you know
because I cannot bake you cupcakes
and distract you with anecdotes of my teenage years
and laugh with you about the movies we've seen

so yeah,
you get love. so there.

Ann on November 20, 2009 at 8:53 PM said...

Sending you lots of love. This is just such a hard part of this journey. I'm confident your twinnies are doing very well. Symptoms mean nothing. You are pregnant sweetie. Stay home this weekend if you want to; you deserve to take care of you and the weetle ones and not think of anyone else right now. *Gigantic Hugs* Things will be great!

Rotten on November 20, 2009 at 11:01 PM said...

Say you have H1N1... no one will want to come near you. ;)
Just kidding. Is it possible that all of these, let's face it, HORMONAL feelings are because you are pregnant? My dreams were nuts, I made up the best excuses not to drink, I laid low too in the beginning. All normal and natural thoughts when you aren't sure exactly what is going on and when you don't want to get your hopes up. Before you know it, you'll be posting about back aches and growing boobs and heart burn (oh, I hope that symptom passes you by!) and swollen ankles and "oh please let the 40 weeks be up now!" The best thing to do in the beginning is to keep a positive outlook. I know, I know... you can virtually slap me for that because I hated when people told me the same thing as I paced the floor before my ultrasounds, but as of right now... right this second... there is nothing you can do but think positive and enjoy the moment. Can't wait to hear the great results on Sunday.

K on November 21, 2009 at 9:37 AM said...

I am with the others...do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better. Get the u/s, POAS?

And, for what it's worth, I've been hiding out for 3 months now. Partly because I'm not ready to really see anybody (because this still sorta feels like a pipe dream) and partly because my "normal" clothes don't fit anymore and I'm holding out another week or two(if I can) before I buy any maternity stuff. So, I am avoiding colleagues, working from home exclusively and wearing sweats 100% of the time. Yesterday we went to Costco, my first major outing in awhile. Mr. W told me it was obvious I was pregnant and that I was waddling already. So.....my point was that you should hide out for as long as you fucking want.


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