All I can feel right now is how truly sick I am of waiting. It seems like 90% of this game is spent waiting for the right time. I want to be active. I want to participate. I want to roll up my sleeves and get to work. I want to take my shot.
I had to wait for a BFN every month while TTC on our own. I had to wait for the right cycle days to go through tests and procedures. I had to wait through two uterine surgeries and recovery. I had to wait for results and healing. All that waiting took over 4 years. Even now that we have achieved the place where we are down to business/on to the big stuff/major intervention-o-rama, in the last 10 months I have only been able to try 2 IUI’s (1 clomid + 1 natural) and 1 IVF cycle. In 10 months. Everything else has had waiting due to tests and clomid causing cysts and/or a thin uterine lining, now embryo lab closure and recommended months off and now cysts again. 3 out of 10 months that had a shot in hell to work. Those really aren’t good odds for success. While I am a very patient person…Yes. Thank you for asking, I AM very sick of waiting.
So back to last Thursday afternoon. Our IVF coordinator nurse called and told me that the doctors discussed the 14mm ovarian cyst and decided that it was just too borderline for them feel comfortable starting IVF this cycle. As DocO said to me in the exam room, “the size of the cyst makes it really come down to a judgement call. It is absolutely on the dividing line in terms of size for when we would postpone. Obviously if we go ahead and it’s successful and you get pregnant then we would call it the right choice, but if we had to cancel mid-cycle or get bad results then we would call it the wrong choice, but there is just no way to know which on which side this coin would fall.” The nurse, said that after DocO, the embryologist and the other doctors discussed the case, they thought it would be best to postpone. I asked about aspirating the cyst and she said they discussed it while reviewing my case, but preferred not to aspirate. She explained it is an invasive procedure and there is no guarantee there would not be complications or sometimes a cyst just returns anyway. She asked me if I had any questions and how I was doing. I started to talk to her about a few details and then just lost it. I hate it when I cry in front of strangers, but I couldn’t stop myself. I talked to her between sobs about how frustrating it seems that I am always soooo damned close. I had some minor success last time, the baseline gave me excellent results and now here I am waiting again. I’m terrified that I’ll just be in the same place a month from now. Which is just one more month of being closer to 41 and do you know how bad my chances become as each month goes by? She did say that it was really borderline and that if I wanted to continue anyway or get the cyst aspirated that they would do it. She said that if I wanted to talk to DocO that she would have him call me right away and that they understand how upsetting this all can be. They just wanted to give me the best shot. They wanted my starting point to be perfect to ensure the best chance of success.
I called MrBeep and told him the news that the IVF nurse was talking to DocO and will call me back soon. I didn’t know what was the right decision. Should I wait for the next cycle or just get the cyst aspirated and risk it? MrBeep comforted me and told me whatever I wanted we could do. We discussed our options. We considered if we started the cycle and it was cancelled or failed, then it would be 2-3 months before we could try again. If we waited, it would be 1 month. We decided to just aspirate next month if another one came up. I did have to take birth control a very long time, (14 days) due to the lab closure, and perhaps a shorter length would remove this complication. One month would probably not be the make or break for my eggs or hormones. Those have been looking good lately, but the waiting is still very hard on me. I am a person who acts, who has always worked hard to achieve things and that drive does little for me here. There always seems to be some impediment, some obstacle in my way. I can’t even get to anything close enough to call utter failure so I can just give up or move on. I seem to be stuck forever on the bench, waiting to just get in the game.
MrBeep used to play hockey on his college team. (Go Mighty Beavers!) He explained it to me this way -- the more shots you take the better your chances to make a goal. So we definitely need to be aggressive to take as many good shots as possible. But sometimes your best option is to wait a little, get closer and take your shot from the best angle. Sometimes you have to skate around to wait for that perfect shot. The truth is we are impressed with our doctors, we consider their knowledge and advice to be very important. They’re the coach recommending waiting for a different play, better circumstances to get that best shot at goal.
After discussing it with MrBeep and calming down, we both knew that waiting a month was the right decision. After talking to him all of my tension disappeared, I didn’t feel like crying anymore and some hope for the future was restored. He does that for me, he calms my soul. I am a better person for knowing him, but it is still very hard. When the IVF nurse called back, I told her I was OK and we would wait. She was really kind to me and suggested that I enjoy some wine and maybe get a massage some time soon. She also talked to me a little about a wellness program in the area for ladies going through IVF. I may check into this. In the meantime I will do my best to keep my spirit up and practice my slapshot.