Taking a shot on goal (aka why I chose to wait)

All I can feel right now is how truly sick I am of waiting.  It seems like 90% of this game is spent waiting for the right time.  I want to be active.  I want to participate.  I want to roll up my sleeves and get to work.  I want to take my shot.

I had to wait for a BFN every month while TTC on our own. I had to wait for the right cycle days to go through tests and procedures.  I had to wait through two uterine surgeries and recovery.  I had to wait for results and healing.  All that waiting took over 4 years.  Even now that we have achieved the place where we are down to business/on to the big stuff/major intervention-o-rama, in the last 10 months I have only been able to try 2 IUI’s (1 clomid + 1 natural) and 1 IVF cycle.  In 10 months.  Everything else has had waiting due to tests and clomid causing cysts and/or a thin uterine lining, now embryo lab closure and recommended months off and now cysts again.  3 out of 10 months that had a shot in hell to work.  Those really aren’t good odds for success.  While I am a very patient person…Yes. Thank you for asking, I AM very sick of waiting.

So back to last Thursday afternoon.  Our IVF coordinator nurse called and told me that the doctors discussed the 14mm ovarian cyst and decided that it was just too borderline for them feel comfortable starting IVF this cycle.  As DocO said to me in the exam room, “the size of the cyst makes it really come down to a judgement call.  It is absolutely on the dividing line in terms of size for when we would postpone.  Obviously if we go ahead and it’s successful and you get pregnant then we would call it the right choice, but if we had to cancel mid-cycle or get bad results then we would call it the wrong choice, but there is just no way to know which on which side this coin would fall.”  The nurse, said that after DocO, the embryologist and the other doctors discussed the case, they thought it would be best to postpone.  I asked about aspirating the cyst and she said they discussed it while reviewing my case, but preferred not to aspirate.  She explained it is an invasive procedure and there is no guarantee there would not be complications or sometimes a cyst just returns anyway.  She asked me if I had any questions and how I was doing.  I started to talk to her about a few details and then just lost it.  I hate it when I cry in front of strangers, but I couldn’t stop myself.  I talked to her between sobs about how frustrating it seems that I am always soooo damned close.  I had some minor success last time, the baseline gave me excellent results and now here I am waiting again. I’m terrified that I’ll just be in the same place a month from now. Which is just one more month of being closer to 41 and do you know how bad my chances become as each month goes by?   She did say that it was really borderline and that if I wanted to continue anyway or get the cyst aspirated that they would do it. She said that if I wanted to talk to DocO that she would have him call me right away and that they understand how upsetting this all can be.  They just wanted to give me the best shot.  They wanted my starting point to be perfect to ensure the best chance of success.

I called MrBeep and told him the news that the IVF nurse was talking to DocO and will call me back soon.  I didn’t know what was the right decision.  Should I wait for the next cycle or just get the cyst aspirated and risk it?  MrBeep comforted me and told me whatever I wanted we could do.  We discussed our options.  We considered if we started the cycle and it was cancelled or failed, then it would be 2-3 months before we could try again.  If we waited, it would be 1 month.  We decided to just aspirate next month if another one came up.  I did have to take birth control a very long time, (14 days) due to the lab closure, and perhaps a shorter length would remove this complication.  One month would probably not be the make or break for my eggs or hormones.  Those have been looking good lately, but the waiting is still very hard on me. I am a person who acts, who has always worked hard to achieve things and that drive does little for me here.  There always seems to be some impediment, some obstacle in my way.  I can’t even get to anything close enough to call utter failure so I can just give up or move on.  I seem to be stuck forever on the bench, waiting to just get in the game.

GoMightyBeaversMrBeep used to play hockey on his college team. (Go Mighty Beavers!)  He explained it to me this way -- the more shots you take the better your chances to make a goal.  So we definitely need to be aggressive to take as many good shots as possible.  But sometimes your best option is to wait a little, get closer and take your shot from the best angle.  Sometimes you have to skate around to wait for that perfect shot.  The truth is we are impressed with our doctors, we consider their knowledge and advice to be very important.  They’re the coach recommending waiting for a different play, better circumstances to get that best shot at goal.  

After discussing it with MrBeep and calming down, we both knew that waiting a month was the right decision.  After talking to him all of my tension disappeared, I didn’t feel like crying anymore and some hope for the future was restored.  He does that for me, he calms my soul.  I am a better person for knowing him, but it is still very hard.  When the IVF nurse called back, I told her I was OK and we would wait.  She was really kind to me and suggested that I enjoy some wine and maybe get a massage some time soon.  She also talked to me a little about a wellness program in the area for ladies going through IVF.  I may check into this.  In the meantime I will do my best to keep my spirit up and practice my slapshot.

13 comments on "Taking a shot on goal (aka why I chose to wait)"

Sprogblogger on August 11, 2009 at 5:16 PM said...

Yes. Yes yes yes. Waiting is the worst. Uncertainty sucks. So does feeling like every moment that goes by without action on SOMEONE'S part is moving you closer to the end of the line.

I think you made the right choice, though. One month isn't going to break you, egg/age wise, and yet a cyst that big really can fuck up an IVF cycle.

Doesn't make waiting any easier, though, I know. Thinking of you.

jill on August 11, 2009 at 5:40 PM said...

I totally hear ya on the waiting! It makes me want to scream and cry sometimes.

It's great that you and Mr.Beep can talk it out and he can calm you. Good husband! :)

Sounds like you made the right choice and now we'll all be waiting right along with you! Looking forward to next month :)

(p.s. thanks for the comment on my blog - a giant bonfire with dozens of trees, and on the beach?! Wow, that just sounds amazing! I would so join in if I lived there.)

Sunny on August 11, 2009 at 5:41 PM said...

Definitely the right decision, but that doesn't make the waiting easier, does it?

I'm so sorry that the cycle is delayed. I'm really disappointed, I am so excited for what's to come for you. You and MrBeep will obviously be excellent parents, whenever the waiting is finally over.

Mrs. Gamgee on August 11, 2009 at 6:25 PM said...

I'm so sorry that you are having to wait again... but it sounds like you made the right decision. I really like the idea of a wellness program for women dealing with IVF... It would be something I would definitely look into if it were available (and a bit more general ttc, as we aren't at IVF yet).

Sending prayers and good thoughts that this period of waiting will go by quickly and with peace.

WiseGuy on August 12, 2009 at 6:54 AM said...

If Waiting..



Ping God and get a speedticket! And docket the IF router to IVF plug!

Good Luck!

Kate on August 12, 2009 at 9:07 AM said...

Sounds like your DH is the best! I'm glad both of you are at peace with your decision, and hope no pesky cysts get in the way of things progressing perfectly next month.

K on August 12, 2009 at 12:00 PM said...

Well, it sounds like you made the best choice and for good reasons. It's so hard though, and I'm so sorry. The wait...the clock....everything. I hope next month is better and I like the wine and massage advice. Works for me. Wishing our bodies would not eff things up on their own sometimes. But clearly, we are not in control of everything, all the time. No matter how hard we try.

One Who Understands on August 12, 2009 at 3:03 PM said...

I fell you there. We seem to always be waiting! It is awful to sit on the sidelines hoping to can go in and help your team out. It makes you feel even more worthless than we all ready do as IF women. Hopefully the choice to wait will make the difference you are looking for.

I nominated you for an award on my blog.

Clare on August 12, 2009 at 3:29 PM said...

Yay for MrBeep! So sorry to hear that you're really going thru some tough decisions, and more waiting. The wait absolutely sucks, it is soul destroying. But it sounds like you got a man who is just what you need and can give you the love and support to get you thru it. Thinking of you.

FET Accompli on August 12, 2009 at 6:52 PM said...

It definitely sounds like you made the right choice. Hoping that next month goes well - chances are it will a better angle than this month and that much more likely that you will score that goal.

mekate on August 13, 2009 at 7:03 AM said...

Can you IUI this month? You know, just for the sheer reason that it feels like you are doing something? I get not wanting to stim with a cyst, but maybe an IUI... that's what we're doing, of course, so I am biased. I just think waiting sucks rocks and any little step I can take that feels like I am DOING SOMETHING POSITIVE makes me feel better. Wishing the same on you.


Rotten on August 13, 2009 at 10:17 PM said...

They say "time heals all wounds." If you would like, I can go kick time's ass for you and tell it to get on with things and get you pregnant! :)

FET Accompli on August 16, 2009 at 5:40 PM said...

Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it. I liked when you said family accompli, that made me feel really nice.


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