The end of the bird

Thanksgiving was, as always, a huge hit in the IF Optimist household.  I love to cook and it took me two days to complete all of the prep and the dinner.  We had 8 people for dinner and a menu that included:

Herb-butter rubbed fresh organic turkey
Mashed potatoes a la MaBeep (made by my MIL)
Wild mushroom gravy with a dash of port
French bread stuffing with spicy maple sausage, apples, pecans and dried cranberries
Gramma Webster’s Corn Puddin’ (made by friend Mike)
Sauteed green beans with lemon zest and almonds
Brussels Sprouts (MrBeep’s favorite veggie)

for dessert I made a Turtle Pumpkin Pie – thank you to the lovely One Who Understands for the link.  I changed the recipe slightly since I like to do things the hard way.  I made the graham cracker crust and added roasted pecans to the food processor instead of a pre-made crust.  I also made a batch of fresh caramel sauce and added a touch of cognac – oh my gawd eat it with a spoon delicious.  I roasted some additional pecans and tossed them in cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg before coating them in caramel.  I also don’t like cool whip, so I made my own whipped cream and added a little gelatin for extra stability.  The pie turned out fan-freaking-tastic.  Here’s a photo:

Now much of the remaining of the turkey and fixin’s were gobbled up the next day with my gaming friends, but we still had some left (I roasted a 22lb bird this year).  The carcass and veggies are in the pressure cooker simmering away and making stock.  On the menu for tonight is Turkey and Dumplings. 

I’ll write about my first OB appointment next week, but I wanted to take a second to express how am thankful I am for all of the obvious things this year, for monsters on board who helped make dinner with me and added a special secret joy to my day.  For MrBeep would rub my belly and tell them how much he was looking forward to the dinner they were making. I am also so thankful to have great friends in real life and through the bloggidy world.  It felt good to read and catch up with you all this Sunday.  There was bad news and some good news but through everything, you all wrote so many amazing stories of courage and grace and joy.  Giving thanks to you all and I hope that the rest of the holiday season is one of hope and love.

Patience, reflection and time – Part 4

Cycle Update: I’ve had my period and baseline u/s. 15 follicles on one side and about 8 on the other. DocO put me on BCP (for 9 days).  Today is cycle day 7. I have 5 more pills to go before the next monitoring appointment. If all goes well, then I’ll start IVF #2 officially in a week or so.
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I had planned an evening out with friends weeks in advance. I couldn’t easily cancel. One of those friends I introduced to M and they have become friends (she learned of M’s pregnancy two weeks earlier). If I lost it and started crying, I knew she would tell M all about it. I was panicked. This was great stress and the reason why I needed to work through my feelings before I was out in public again. I had to keep myself together but people would be on my doorstep in 3 hours. 

When I finished my glass of scotch, I did not got back for more. Instead, I picked up the phone. I needed to talk to someone who loved me, who would listen and not judge, let me vent and perhaps offer a different perspective.  MrBeep was not available, and also he is a guy and doesn’t always appreciate the need to just talk it out. I called my friend Lindsay, just to talk for a few minutes.  I didn’t get out more than a few words, something about it being a bad day when the wave finally hit, the flood came and I broke down. “Can you come over?” I said, my voice cracking, the tears beginning to pour out of me. “I’m leaving now. I’ll be there in 10 minutes,” she said. What felt like a heartbeat later, she was there and sat in the garden next to me, held my hand, comforted me.  She listened with patience and offered empathy.  She let me cry and rage. 

When people arrived to pick me up, I was cried out, my rage gone.  The Ache and The Empty were still ghosts in the back of my mind, but they would not overwhelm me.  I went out in public that evening, and was asked by MrBeep at the table full of people about my day with M.  I told him her news. My smile was genuine, my happiness for her true and no tears came to my eyes. 

It is because of Lindsay’s kindness and offer to listen that I got through the day. Being comforted with her and by spending time with myself -- in quiet contemplation that day and for the next few days -- I have come back to a place that is ME. 

Now on to a comments…

Part 1:  I wish I could respond to each and every comment, but it would make this post so much longer than it already is.  Know that if I didn’t mention you directly, I love and really appreciate all of your heartfelt sympathy and warmth. I gratefully accepted your hugs and love. I needed them.

Beautiful Mess said “I hope your friend understand that you are not mad at HER, just sad about your situation.”  Absolutely right.  Some people think that strong feelings are directed toward them rather than just being strong, and hard.  I consciously chose not to direct my feelings at her.  I think she knew this.  I hope she realized and appreciated it.

Meinsideout said, “I get really angry about how IF, loss and all that we have to go through really isolates us. I am sorry that you feel alone sometimes.”  It is a very difficult thing to feel alone while surrounded by people. If I didn’t have you wonderful YOU, I wouldn’t just feel sorry for myself and FEEL ALONE sometimes, I would actually BE ALONE.  That is a scary and dark place.  I hope that anyone who is feeling sad and depressed about infertility can find us, even if they are not a blogger, just joining in on reading and commenting can help. It is why I love the ALI community. 

Darkblack said, “Understanding is not the right word. That's the problem. Our friends and family mean to say that they empathize with our situation, which is fair. Others may not have gone through what you have, but everyone has felt heartbreak, loneliness, helplessness, and pain. They may not understand the journey, but they can empathize with where you are at. Heartbreak is universal, the cause is secondary. I think we can take our friends and family at their word, they do understand on a fundamentally human level.”  He is absolutely right. It is largely the reason why I held fast to my patience. She was reaching out and happened to use the wrong word and I broke down, to a certain degree I failed her. My difficulty wasn’t just WHAT she said, but WHERE and HOW she said it.  She was in a no-win situation and I was so overcome with the sense that my friend had no regard for my feelings, no consideration for my situation. I felt ambushed. Like Sprogblogger said in her comment, “sometimes - a lot of the time these days, it seems - there just isn't anything that anyone can say that I want to hear. No matter how well-intentioned.”  She is absolutely right too.  This is was makes it difficult, that both sides of the same debate are equally correct and true.

Part 2:  It was difficult to understand the feelings I was going through until I gave them names, The Ache and The Empty.

One who understands said, “I think one of the hardest things for me to get people to understand is that I do hope, but I have to be realistic. Happy endings are great, but they are not a guarantee. Sometimes all we need is for people to get that it is hard. It is really stinkin hard.”   YES!  You my dear, are wise beyond your years. It is always a balance of Hope and Optimism vs. Reality.  If you don’t achieve that balance as much as you can, you will walk away from this battle truly scarred beyond recognition.  You also have to recognize when you’ve hit the wall and it’s time to change your outlook and maybe your dreams.

On the same vein, Sunny wrote, “Your dear friend, who is no doubt a lovely person if she's your friend, obviously doesn't even have a hint of insight into the rollercoaster of IF -- the need to be hopeful but CAUTIOUS and REALISTIC. That is a good thing for her. I wouldn't wish the heartache on anyone.”  Thank you Sunny for your nice comment on my friend. She is, like you, a wonderful person.  I was nodding my head while reading the comments and saying Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes.  The perfect words. Cautious. Realistic.

K commented, “I GET your emotion and pain. I get it when I read it. I feel it. It makes me cry too and I don't know M or really you, either...sort of.”  I know you get it, K.  I’m so sorry that any of you have to know this and  I’m sorry that telling my story has stirred up many old wounds and pain.

Wiseguy expressed, “But I would have been equally shocked to find somebody I am extremely intimate with to suddenly come out and tell me that they are expecting...and not at six weeks, but almost shy of giving birth.”  Yes. Exactly. I realized afterwards that I had seen her twice during the time she knew she was pregnant. I dropped everything and spent a day with her when she found out one of her dogs has terminal cancer. I held her while she cried and comforted her…she never said anything to me (she was probably at 12-14 weeks).  I’m not sure how my heart feels about this.

Clare wrote, “She doesn't get it and she won't. It was an intense day for you - the way she revealed her pregnancy to you was quite an ambush, usually when people tell you they're pg you can't see anything, it's not so in your face but at 7 months - there was no escaping it at any point in the day.
You must have felt totally drained when you got home. But i understand the support you feel from the ALI community, without this, I hate to think what emotional wreck I'd be by now.”  See?  I knew you, my bloggidy friends, would understand it all.  You use all the right words, expressed all of my emotions and even knew exactly where I was at the end of the day because you all have BEEN THERE.  No matter what age, not matter what continent, you GET IT and that comforts me.

mekate offered a wholly different perspective, “and she is right too-- we lose site of the magic. We lose sight of it in the flood of other crapola, the stats, our experiences, our rises and falls, but the magic, it really is there. I have to believe it. I have to.” This comment floated with me for days until I realized and accepted that both M and mekate are Absolutely Right, I did lose sight of the magic. You DO have to believe in that magic to truly keep hope in your heart.  The next line, “It will not necessarily be *my* magic, and that perhaps is one of the hardest things to deal with.” broke my heart because I get that too.  There is so much profound truth in that comment.  I am still haunted by it. 

Part 3:  I was actually quite afraid of putting my feelings - the honest, the contemplative, the good, the ugly, the nasty - out to the world to read.  It’s scary to do this, but I felt it necessary.  I have heard so many stories of fertiles and infertiles alike behaving badly when the news of pregnancy appears.  Afterwards there is regret and hurt.  Overall I think I handled it well and wanted to use my pain to help just one person not blow it, no feelings shattered, perhaps a friendship saved. 

Phoebe wrote, “This pretty much sums up the whole gamut of feelings. I think you have managed to summarize all I've been feeling as well! The loss of hope is the worst. How do you move forward when there is no hope? Or how do you have hope when the hopelessness keeps nagging at you? I'd like to think that it comes down to more than hope. I think for me, what it comes down to is love. If it was about hope for me, I think I would give up. The love I have for a child is what keeps moving me forward.”  Thank you to Phoebe, the beautiful phoenix, showing us how to rise from the ashes of despair and fly toward Love and Hope.

Thank you all so much for walking through this ordeal with me.  I am sorry for the length, your time is valuable to me.  The truth is it took me a handful of days to work through it all, but much longer to write about it. I really appreciate you all were so respectful of me and my friend. I didn’t want a bitchfest, filled with vitriol and nastiness, I wanted understanding.  I needed community and I received more than I could have imagined with a full and grateful heart.  Your kind words about my writing truly humble me. Your comments and advice are a solace.  Sending back waves of the same love and hugs you sent to me.  The simple words “Thank You” cannot fully express my gratitude. 

Patience, reflection and time – Part 3

Then I did something I have never done before in my life.  I walked back into the house, poured two fingers of scotch and took it back to the chair in the garden.  Every time The Empty and The Ache boiled up trying to engulf me, I took a sip. It is a scary thing to fully realize what turns some people to drink.  The burning sensation of the scotch matched the feeling in my throat, pushing it back.  I needed to calm down, I needed time to process.  Pick them apart -- The Ache and The Empty.  Dissect each one.  They were so unfamiliar, too overwhelming.

Was I angry?  Angry because yet another person came before me?  Angry for being told this way?  Angry for feeling humiliated and crying in public?  Angry for being locked out of my friend’s life?  Angry for not being trusted?  Angry for being told that I wasn’t hopeful enough?

The honest answer is yes. However none of it was strong enough to cause my reaction, my total shutdown.  Anger was there, but it wasn’t the key.

How about Guilt?  Did I feel guilty because I didn’t jump up and down and squeal when I heard her great news?  Guilty because I didn’t tell her sooner how my IVF went?  Guilty because I didn’t push going to the RE sooner?  Guilty because I waited for surgery?  Guilty because I didn’t reveal MY true feelings to save HERS?

I have some guilt, but it’s mostly internal things about what I COULDA SHOULDA done to move things along quicker when I was younger.  But even these arguments break down because the time I waited gave extra time to MrBeep to fully come on board and really want a family with me.  I would rather have his extraordinary 100% support at 37, 38, 39, 40 than have 30% at 35.  So no.  The big empty ache was not guilt.

Shame?   Shame about my situation?  Shame over my reaction?  Shame at feeling this way and not keeping my shit under control? 

I do feel ashamed sometimes.  A bit.  I’m 40, maybe I’m too old to be a good mom.  I never wanted to be some tired old hag.  And there are children starving in remote countries while I am shelling out a fortune that could be feeding them instead.  But we all know the truth is you can’t take the whole weight of the world on your shoulders along with IF.  I have to finish working on this, my heart’s desire before I can give my heart to another cause.  I think overall I reacted well.  I am very, very happy for her – said so, acted so.  The truth is I was very worried she would realize how much she wanted a family when it was too late for her.  She is 39 and for some people it can be tough, if not impossible.  I’m glad she didn’t have any problems conceiving.  Given our earlier conversations, I suspect it took them 1-3 months.  I would never wish the pain, the grief that is infertility on ANYONE.  I was ashamed at being overwhelmed, but I knew it was not the reason for being overwhelmed.

Bitterness?  Oh my god.  Am I bitter?  Have I reached that horrible stage?  Has my heart truly blackened to that degree?

This is a place I fear.  I thought long and hard about this one.  What does bitterness truly feel like?  What precisely is it?  Intense hatred, rancor, resentment.  Feelings of malice and spite so intense as to overcome all of the goodness and joy in my heart.  That is bitterness to me.  I am NOT THAT.  Not now, hopefully not ever.

Jealousy or Envy?  Could I be jealous of my friend?  Have I let my desire to have what I want trump what I feel for another person who I love?  Do I think I deserve it more than her?  Would I have the audacity to believe something like that?

This is an interesting thing to think hard about.  We all say that we are jealous sometimes at a surface level, but if you dig down…are you really?  Does envy mean that you want what they actually have?  Something so strong, if you had the power you would take it away and keep it for yourself? I thought about this and realized…No.  I don’t want what she has.  I don’t want to be Her.  I don’t want Her life.  I don’t want Her husband.  I don’t want Her baby.  I want MY baby, OUR baby.  I want MY life with MY husband to include a family and if it can’t be MINE on MY terms…then I don’t want it at all.  I’m not trying to sound harsh.  I am not speaking for everyone.  I am expressing my own personal truth. 

In my heart, in my head, it has always been impossible for me to be jealous of other pregnant women because babies are not a limited supply item.  We don’t all get to stick our hands in a jar and pull out a marble.  If a girl comes up with a red marble, she gets and baby leaving fewer chances in the jar left for me.  There is no magic being that decides who gets one and who doesn’t.  Anyone’s success in getting pregnant and having a child is completely separate and independent of mine.  I will admit to a feeling of longing, wondering if it will ever happen for me.  That longing is not jealousy or envy and for me it is certainly not The Ache or The Empty.

Fear?  Worry?  Will this ruin my relationship with MrBeep?  What will go wrong next?  How many more months can my sanity take? Will I go through all this only to realize it will NEVER work?  Or that it worked but then having to suffer loss after loss?  When should I give up?  Will I still be here no farther on the journey another year from now?

As I went through the myriad of swirling feelings that accompany fear and worry, admitting just how scared I was to fail in the end, to lose my dream, The Ache started to release it’s strangling grip on my throat.  The fear and worry build up over time, trying to consume.  I want this thing, I do, but I also don’t want it to take away my joy.  I am so scared in the end to live with regret or pain.  I don’t want every friend with a family to avoid me. I don’t want to see families or children and feel a sense of loss each time.  Those tiny little bites will eventually eat away your soul. 

Truth is I can see no way to remove fear from my mind. No magic elixir to make me stop worrying about the future.  All I can do is stand and look fear straight in the eye.  See it for what it is, it’s dark shape, and try my best not to let it steal me away in the night, leaving an empty shell in my place.  I will use them, they will not use me.  I choose to use fear and worry as tools to make smarter choices that either take me to my goal or let me know when it’s clearly time to change the game.  I do not choose to give my life away to fear. I do not choose to be consumed with worry.  With that realization, The Ache faded to something small, still there, but not engulfing me. 

Sorrow?   

The Big Emptiness in my chest was still there as I considered sorrow.  Here was MY truth and I was gripped with an overwhelming sense of sadness.  I thought through it for a long time and finally recognized it’s cause.  It was TIME.  When I looked at M I plainly saw the physical reality of 7 months flash by in a second.  I felt more sorrow from her comments about knowing I was going to be pregnant soon and we would absolutely have our kids play together some day. I had the same conversations with another good friend.  We talked about how wonderful it would be to be pregnant at the same time, have our kids play together, etc.  Her son is now 8 months old.  Add that to her pregnancy and it was over 17 months ago.  I was empty and sad that so much time has flown by.  I have poured out so much of my soul only to have gone no where with less chance of success.  It saddened me more to think another year from now I could be in the same situation, a friend telling me how they knew it would happen for me and how my time was next.  How long must I stay in the recurring nightmare?  I also knew how sad I was to watch every year my statistical chances slipping away.  When I started this at 36, the chances for my clinic/age group for IVF were 49%.  At 38 they slipped to 39%.  At my next birthday (in 4 months) I will be in the group 41-42 where the general population’ chances list at 14%.  Being this age, still in this place is really fucking hard. 

I have heard all the stories from friends of how they knew of a woman who got pregnant at 42, her doctor gave them no chance to get pregnant on their own, etc.  I always tell them, “I know these stories are meant to give me hope, but the TRUTH is you only hear publically the story of the ones that worked.  The ten-people-in-a-hundred.  You don’t hear about the ninety others who wanted the same thing and tried their best but instead endured heartache and problems and sometimes, ultimately the loss of their dreams.  Those people suffer privately.  You don’t get babies because you deserve them or because it makes a good story.  It is largely luck and circumstance and dna.”  I do always end by telling them I appreciate their love, their understanding and all the good thoughts and prayers.  Those mean more than a thousand stories. 

Then it came to me.  My Big Emptiness represented the loss of hope.  I thought through the pain and sorrow.  Was I overcome?  Was I too sad at my prospects?  Was it time to give up?  Hope starts out as a bright shimmering light that slowly, eventually dulls and finally fades until it is gone.  Was it entirely gone?  Sitting in my garden, the wind beginning to blow the wind chimes from our wedding sang to me.  The sound hit my ears and woke me from my contemplation.  I knew I was not done on my path.  I knew I still have reasons to be optimistic, I still want to TRY.  I am not giving up yet.  I choose to SEE HOPE still in my journey.

To be completed in the next post, including my views on your comments - in Part 4.

Patience, reflection and time – Part 2

Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments.  They deserve a post of their own and will  get it in Part 3. This is continued where I left off from my prior post “Patience, reflection and time – Part 1.”  

As I started to cry down in the field, my dear friend M tried to comfort me.  She put her arms around me and held me tight.  She cried too and offered many words of encouragement.  “I know that we were destined to have families together.  Just think about it, we went back to school at the same time, we were laid off from our boring jobs at almost the same time – me first and then you a few months later, and I know you will be right behind me with your family.”  I nodded my head, dried my eyes (swearing to myself I wouldn’t cry that day in public again), put on a smile and said, “We’ll see.  I hope so too, that would make an amusing story to tell, wouldn’t it?”  We continued picking and talking for another thirty minutes.  I turned the conversation back to her, their baby and plans for the house and the future.  Eventually our little buckets were full, the blueberries weighed and paid for, then we headed out for lunch.

While eating lunch we talked about many things.  Eventually, she expressed how worried she was about telling me her news.  I gently admitted it was kind of hard for me to have a good friend who I confided in over the years suddenly show up 7 months along.  I understood why she waited but I thought it would have been easier knowing that she was at least trying.  She seemed slightly annoyed and upset at my confession (sting).  She admitted that they didn’t try for very long (another sting).  Then she started to tell me how I would be pregnant soon anyway and how we were going to have our kids play together, take day trips, go to the zoo, etc. 

I told M I wished she would be right, but I didn’t know.  The odds over the years were starting to creep against me and this was making me terribly afraid.  She became a little frustrated, but smiled anyway and hugged me as she was leaving.  She encouraged me to stop being pessimistic, stop being so scientific, looking at odds and statistics.  I needed to have a little more faith in the magic that it would happen.  She knew because she has a great feeling about this and that I’ll see.  “That’s not quite fair” I told her, “I was very much full of hope in the beginning, but realistic expectations must have a place too.  After a while, if you don’t do that, you will absolutely break down.  The potential lifts you up and every month, then the failure crashes you down.  You have not watched your chances slip as each birthday passes.  You have not walked the years and years in my shoes, on my path.  I appreciate the prayers, good hopes, faith and optimism of all my friends.  Wish very very hard for me.  I do too, but respect also my need to protect my heart.” 

She nodded as she got into her car, but she did not understand, and that’s OK.  She doesn’t need to.  I knew I had a cadre of people who unfortunately do understand.  Who appreciate my situation in a unique way and in that I NEVER feel alone.  If if weren’t for this blog, the ALI community, I wouldn’t have made it through that day with a shred of integrity or grace.  So many of you are my heroes, for your kindness, your perseverance, your intelligence, your wit.

I drove home in utter silence, playing the day over in my mind.  No tears hit my eyes.  All I felt was a load of cotton in my throat and a big ball of empty in my chest.  I needed to be home.  I was tired of being in public.  I wanted the opportunity to process all this in solitude. I finally got home, walked down to my garden, sat right next to my wind chimes and waited for the wave of emotion to crash over me.  The tears to come.  The understanding to begin.

It didn’t crash.  No tears came.  I didn’t understand.

All I felt was The Ache.  The Big Empty.  My throat jammed with cotton, each swallow like razorblades. I sat there, unmoving for two hours, trying to understand what The Ache was.  Exactly how and what I truly felt.  I didn’t know.  I searched my mind, my heart, my soul.  The puzzle didn’t fit. What was this empty, cold feeling in my chest?  Anger? Guilt? Worry?  Shame?  Fear?  Bitterness? Jealously? Sorrow? I truly didn’t know.

continued in Part 3…

Patience, reflection and time – Part 1

I needed over a week to process what happened and then write about it. I honestly didn’t know what to write because I couldn’t process how I felt. Every time I tried my heart felt empty and cold, my throat tight. Today’s story required patience, reflection and time. I’ll start at the beginning.

My friend M is a wonderful person. She has the kind of soul that shines bright before her. Have you ever fallen in love with a girlfriend? Someone you meet and are transported back to childhood days where you immediately want to come up to them and invite them on your side of the monkey bars and give them the other half of your grape popsicle? We became good friends. Several years ago, I confided my problems with trying to conceive, my worries, my fears. She is one of the few people IRL I felt comfortable doing this with. She (39) is about the same age as I am (40). After the years, I could tell that our conversations, my confessing how I wanted having a family in my life were affecting her. She admitted a year ago she was talking to her husband about having a family too. He already had grown children and was preparing more for early retirement than starting over. This was a great source of conflict for her. We supported each other, we talked. When MrBeep agreed for us to try for a family we chose to get married. She, M, agreed to be my Matron of Honor, the only person I chose to stand up with me.

But life gets busy I had not seen her in a while. She lives an hour away so most of our time together required a bit of time and organization. She was going to school and working both a regular job plus an internship. We’d chat online briefly but I knew what little time she had left in a day needed to be spent with her wonderful husband and dogs. So I maybe saw her once in the six months before she finally called and invited me to go to a farm for u-pick blueberries. She suggested a date in the middle of the weekday morning.

Before I left my house that morning, I knew it had the potential to be a “hard infertile day”. Most people take their families to blueberry farms to pick berries. I have seen the blog entries from mommies who take their kids and toddlers, but I am typically fine around families. I try to keep myself positive and optimistic and look the situation as something I hope to have someday rather than something I don’t have. I also really wanted some delicious and cheap northwest blueberries.

I arrived at the farm and noticed her car wasn’t there yet, so I got out of my car and started to douse myself with sunscreen. Her car pulled up, but she didn’t get out. She called me over to come to the car and have a seat. This was not unusual since we both do this to have the other hear some new music we’ve discovered. I got in and she gave me a piece of paper, a hand made card. I read the front and opened the card and there was a ultrasound photo with a clearly defined baby’s face. I was stunned. I wasn’t sure what to say. I was happy for her and turned to say, “Congratulations! What a wonderful surprise and wow this ultrasound looks very detailed, how many months along are you? Four? Five?”

“Seven,” she answered. And then she moved her sweater aside and there was a cute, perfectly round basketball sized belly.

It was like someone hit me square in the chest with a baseball bat. I could hardly breathe. I have never, NEVER reacted this way to finding out someone was pregnant. One half of my brain was jumping up and down cheering for joy the other half was just still. Stunned. I knew I had to stay calm. I knew I needed to act my normal happy self. I didn’t want to ruin this day for her, but I knew it would be tough for me. I gave her more hugs and congratulations then we both got out of the car and walked toward the entrance. We grabbed picking buckets and headed out to the fields.

I kept the conversation light, asked about her husband and her mom. She told me they were so worried due to their age that they kept it a secret from everyone, including her mom (with whom she is very, very close) until she was 5 months along and had the results from amnio. She explained how scared she was when a pre-screening test came out positive for abnormalities. I told her I was sorry she had to go with all that stress alone, but that I understood why she would want to keep private and how happy I am to know that everything is normal. I joked I would love some privacy myself.

To a certain degree inward, my mind was razor focused. I didn’t need to make eye contact. We were crouched down, finding the best looking and ripest berries on the bush while we talked. Inwardly I meditated on the positive side of things, and the patience I needed to exercise to stay calm and keep breathing. I didn’t want to do or say anything I would regret, anything to make me sad, anything to hurt my friend. But it was so hard. We were completely surrounded by families. There were mommies and grandparents with tons of kids excitingly calling out that they found a spider and here’s another handful and look at me look at me. We were in a row all by ourselves, but I was surrounded and drowning.

Then she asked me how my IVF went back in June. I had never called and told her what happened, she knew that I was going to keep things to myself, but I think she was hoping that I would give her good news…but I had no good news to tell. So in the middle of that field, I calmed my soul, steeled myself and quietly told her about things going along well, then the drug not working, the retrieval and transfer and finally being pregnant for only a few days. I told her that we would try again and these things happen and how complicated IVF is, but that it was really hard because I really only have a few chances left.

Then she did it. She was trying to be comforting. I know this. She said, “Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry. I completely understand.”

That’s when I shattered.

“No you don’t understand” I whispered, starting to cry. “No one I know has any idea how this feels. None of my friends truly understand how it is and I don’t have anyone to talk to and I don’t want to burden anyone.” I was overwhelmed with a sense of loss and sadness. One side of my brain kept thinking, how could she do this to me? How could she take me here, in public, to give me her news? Why would she ask sensitive things of me while I was surrounded by pregnant bellies and happy families? How could she stand there, 7 months pregnant with everything tested and declared OK and tell me that she understands? What had I ever done to deserve this utter disregard of my feelings?

But that’s not how things are, I knew. M is my friend. I love her and know she would never do anything intentionally to hurt me. It just happens sometimes. We do our best to consider the feelings of others, but it is impossible to see the world from every perspective.

This is not my destination. I will write more about the rest of the day, my thoughts and feelings. Please understand that I love my friend and this is not an open invitation to berate her. My entries on this day are a journey to a new understanding of myself using patience, reflection and time.

To be continued…

Cycle Status – Part 2

It’s late again.  I just turned my computer on for the first time today in and checked my blogger and found out about Sprogblogger’s horrible news.  Please go and give her some love and comfort.  She is one of the most amazing and fabulous people who have supported and helped me beyond measure.  I was so overjoyed for her and now I can’t stop crying.  To have this news on the heels of Mo and Will’s has shattered my feelings of hope.

The RE’s office called back Thursday afternoon for my instructions, they decided that due to the size of the cyst, DocO and his colleagues recommended it was best to wait until next month.  So I am not officially cancelled, but I am postponed and waiting yet another month.  I was upset, I cried like crazy.  But I can’t write about the details right now. I was going to tell all of the reasons why we agreed to postpone rather than aspirate and how I lost it and sobbed on the phone with the wonderful and compassionate IVF nurse, but I won’t write about that today.  I am beyond sad and upset for my friends and my stupid petty little problems are nothing in the midst of this.

Why does this all have to be so heart breakingly hard?

Ultrasound and status – Part 1

It’s very late (1:45 am) and I have friends with their 2 adopted boys staying with us from out of town. I will have to break this post into two sections.  If you haven’t already done so, please take an extra second to visit Mo and Will.  They had some heartbreaking news today.  We need to give them lots of love and support.  I opened up my blogger for a few seconds before bedtime and posting and, well…it is just so awful and made me cry and why do these things happen?

I went in this morning to the RE’s office for an ultrasound.  The plan was to check and see if the cyst on my right ovary had collapsed now that the birth control pills were done and the “withdrawal bleed” has begun.  For more information or to catch up, you can read my prior post, “Are you kidding me?”  MrBeep was nice enough to come with me to the appointment to offer support and well…gosh darn it he is just so smart and reasonable.  He thinks of questions that elude my addled brain and I love when he comes to the appointments so he hears directly from the Doctor what is going on.  So we meet DocO, get right down to business with the wand and…

it’s still there. 

The measurement of the cyst hasn’t gone up or down even a millimeter.  Good ole lefty is hanging tough with no issues.  After the exam I sit there with my paper drape with MrBeep by my side and we discuss the situation with DocO.   The cyst is considered by DocO to be borderline.  A little smaller they wouldn’t think it was a big deal, a little bigger they would be very concerned how it would affect the cycle.  We discussed the possibility of aspirating the cyst.  He said it was an option, but he was concerned about putting me through a medical procedure that may not solve the problem and has the potential for complications.  He made an excellent comment.  “It’s all really a judgement call.  If we go forward, do nothing and it’s a problem that cancels the cycle, that’s bad.  If we aspirate and it acts up, that’s bad.  If we aspirate and it works well then that’s good.  It we leave it alone and it works, then that’s good.  But what we are talking about is something that is likely to affect the cycle and whether we think it is a good idea to take that risk or wait another month.”

I asked him why an ovarian cyst is considered a problem for an IVF cycle.  He explained that having a cyst can affect how well the eggs grow in that ovary.  You can get fewer eggs at retrieval time, you can have problems with the cyst growing larger due to the meds, you can have problems with your overall hormone levels, etc.  Keep in mind this cyst is here before the cycle has officially begun, I have not yet taken any stimulation medication.  Some folks who commented on Sunday had cysts appear after stimulation had already begun or they were many days into their IVF cycle.  I think that REs view this differently than one in the early stage.  This is just my impression.  To read a little more about ovarian cysts, here is a good article.

DocO told me to hold off on taking my first day lupron injection.  He said he planned to take today’s results and discuss the case with his colleagues. (This is their standard operating procedure – more brain power on the problem.  FYI-I love and respect that.)  He said they would call after the meeting in a few hours and tell me what the plan is, whether we will start the IVF cycle or wait until next month. 

After the appointment I walked MrBeep to his car, we talked and I wished him a good day at work.  Then I went home to wait for the call…(to be continued)

4 more days/pills to go

First of all, the IF fairy ate my homework.  I got about  50% done on yesterday’s post for Techie Tuesday: Sperm Analysis a Go Go.  I didn’t forget, but wanted to get all of my links and info correct so more work is necessary on that subject.  Look for that next Tuesday.

 

I think I overdid it last week. I had three dinner parties and was completely exhausted by the end of them.  I hosted and fed 7 people last Wednesday (Harry Potter #2 movie night), 7 on Friday (gaming night) and 7 on Saturday (birthday party).  7 must be my lucky number.  I think I am supposed to do 7 tonight as well (Harry Potter #3 night).  After that I’ll get a week off.  No other invasions that I am aware of. 

 

There is so much going on in the IF bloggidy world.  Many people with happy news, moving along with their pregnancies, it makes my spirit leap and gives me hope.  Then I open the next link in my reader and am devastated when reading stories of heart-breaking sadness. Sometimes I feel at a loss for words of encouragement or comfort, because they seem so small in the face of it all.  But I do try my best to offer up words of support.  Smiles or cheers or tears or hugs. 

 

I have 4 more birth control pills to take before I go to the RE’s office for a suppression check.   Every day I take a pill and count how many are left until I start this cycle “officially” with injections and blood draws and dates with the wand.  It’s strange to be in this ho hum in-between state.  Not actively trying, not on a break, not in the 2WW.  Just me and pills and waiting.  In the back of my mind I am filled with uncertainty for the future.  What side of the IF coin will I fall on come Sunday?  Joy and Hope / Sadness and waiting.  It all seems so manic-depressive, y’know?

I had a super exciting day on Monday that I will write about very soon and tomorrow I get to meet Sunny in Seattle and her little Beanchild.  We were going to hit a neat park halfway between our abodes but because it’s a bejezzus degrees outside (BTW-what the total hell? This is Seattle, not LA, not Phoenix, and the pasty people are all melting and escared of the bright hot shiny yellow thing in the sky.)  Yes.  We are meeting at the mall.  Whew.  So it will be fun to wander around the mall and watch the cute little Bean play on mall playground stuff and I hope all of the smooshy cute toddler babyness of it all doesn’t make my hormones surge and make me S-O-L for Sunday.  That’s all I’m saying.  :-)

Honestly, I don’t deserve you all

Just to follow up on my TMI post…I slept better last night than I have in a month.  <sigh>  Love me that MrBeep.

I was nominated over a week ago by the totally awesome Clare at
The Pitter-Patter for the Honest Scrap award.  I kept it in my virtual pocket for a future time where my brain was too scrambled to think of a topic.  Now here I am.  Brain very happy, but extra scramble-y.

So wow.  A blogidy award.  When I started writing about this journey, I wasn’t sure anyone would ever read it, much less be kind enough to comment.  A wonderful thing has happened, I have found a community of extraordinary people with whom I share a common goal - to have a family.  It’s a shame that any of us have to go to such extreme measures to achieve what comes easily to others.  But so many of you do so with humor, grace and good spirit, I learn so much from reading about your days, both good and bad.  It helps me more than I can express.  Thank you.

On to the Honest Scrap.  Here are the rules, once nominated, you get to put the totally cool emblem on your blog (see totally cool picture above – SWEET!).  The first thing I must do for the award is list 10 honest things about myself.  <<insert sound of drumroll>>

10 Honest and very uniquely random things about IF Optimist:

1.  I love to cook.  It is one of my favorite hobbies.  I love everything about it.  The smell of spices toasting in oil, the rhythmic sound of knife tapping on cutting board, eyeing the pan for the perfect shade of amber to indicate doneness, the feel of dough pressing through my hands, toughening little by little until the magic of gluten is revealed by its resilience, and finally the little tastes of the food as it is coming together and finally complete.  Does it need more salt or oil or spice?  Is the vinegar too strong?  Will a dash of sugar create the perfect balance?  What the hell is Umami anyway? :-)

2.  I love to shop at farmers markets and little ethnic supermarkets to find awesome and authentic ingredients.  I am always on the look for the best tea or spices or meat or veggies.  The best and freshest ingredients make a superior meal.  I have 1-2 dinner parties per week where I feed between 6-10 people.  I’m telling ya.  I do this a lot.  I write about food on my other blog. I keep it out of this one, lest it overwhelm.

3.  I am sometimes scared about being “an old mother” but then I remember how naturally silly I am, how I love to get involved, play along and be happy.  I know I have more patience than when I was young. I hope that will make up for my creaky bones.

4.  I grew up in a gang-infested shithole neighborhood in LA when I was a tween-teen. My apartment neighbor sold drugs, including heroin. Sometimes my mom worked the night shift, so I had to be alone in the apartment.  When I heard yelling and arguments next door, I would hide in the bathtub.  Same when the police helicopter went over our neighborhood warning everyone to stay inside. Gunshots from the area often woke me at night.  I fucking hated that place.  I vowed to live somewhere else when I grew up.

5.  When I was 18, my boyfriend graduated college and I moved the hell out of LA and up to beautiful San Francisco.  San Francisco (quick tip: never call it “Frisco” or the natives will hate your guts) is a beautiful place and everyone should visit once in their life.  If it’s summer, bring a sweater. The fog is cold and wet and comes every night!  If you plan to go there send me an email.  ROAD TRIP!

6.  I am currently sitting outside in my garden.  The dragonflies are swirling around, I can smell lavender, the sun is on my hair and a gentle breeze is at my back. My little chipmunk friend is sniffing around about 20 feet from me, stealing my garden strawberries and stuffing his cheeks.  This makes me extremely happy.  I wish I had a bigger garden.

7.  My favorite ice cream is 31 Flavors mint-chip, it has been since I was a little kid.  Loves me that bizarrely waxy chocolate.

8. I was laid off over a year ago (I volunteered to be selected instead of the guy who had a wife and kid to support).  MrBeep and I decided it would be good if I didn’t work during this time.  It allowed me to relax and recover while I went through the 2 uterine surgeries, recovery, IUIs and and now IVFs.  I am grateful I have been able to relax and take it easy during this time, but it is hard for a professional woman to set aside that part of her identity.  I have tried to compensate by working on digital video and web design stuff.  I have filmed, edited and produced two seasons of a local TV show.  Designed and coded two web sites, and shot one short film during my time off.  Not too shabby, but sometimes I still feel like a total slacker.  I still have a ton of video editing to do in my work queue.

9.  I would love to do a documentary about “TTC the hard way”.  IUIs, IVFs, acupuncture, PCOS, loss, adoption.  I completed the documentary program at University of Washington, so I know the pre-production work necessary to do this type of thing the right way.  It is so complex and so utterly personal a subject, yet these stories would help so many others.  I am thinking through if it is possible to accomplish this. 

10.  I want so very much to have all the blogs I follow go from infertility to pregnancy to mommy-blogs.  It is a secret wish of mine to have the same thing for myself.  I can be hopeful, I can be optimistic, but I am also scared that this is just a dream.  I think I will feel so much better, so much more in control when the next IVF cycle starts.

Now I must then choose 7 blogs I find brilliant in content or design, name them on this post, then place a comment on the recipient’s blog informing them of their nomination.  Easy enough?  Well…there are a ton that I would nominate, but most of the blogs I follow have already won the award.  I was happy to open this up to more blogs that are really awesome, I have on my reading list, and who have not posted the Honest Scrap award (as far as I was able to search). 

Here are the blogs I award with Honest Scrap. I chose these blogs because of their honest and courageous posts.  You awesome ladies shouldn’t feel obligated to play in this “pass it game” but I want you to know how much I have appreciated your words and thoughts.  Thank you.

I can’t whistle
Danana Wants a Baby 
FET Accompli
Babyquest
The Sassy Infertile Lady
Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings
Impatiently waiting

Sifting through the data, developing a plan

I have finally had enough naps to get my brain working again.  MrBeep and I went in today for our cycle review appointment with DocO.  I had my spreadsheet with all of my lab values printed out and a few questions ready, along with a pen to take notes.  DocO greeted us in the lobby and walked us to his office.  He was really nice and started out by asking us how we were doing.  We said we were doing fine and were glad to be there to find out more.  He said that the cycle review is an appointment that they never want to make because they really want to get their patients the ultimate goal, a healthy baby.  I appreciated that.  He didn’t have to say it. 

We got down to business.  The biggest problem, he explained, was the fact that I had an LH surge early in my cycle. The Centrotide, just didn’t work on my body to suppress a natural LH surge.  Unfortunately, the drug isn’t effective on a small percentage of people. (Why can’t I instead be in the small percentage that wins the lottery, or finds change in the couch cushions?)  So as a review dear internets, I was put on the antagonist protocol due to developing cysts when taking clomid.  I was beginning stimulation Day 7 of my gonal-f/menopure medication when my morning blood work showed the LH jump.  DocO explained that something happens when LH surges that affects the eggs.  You can’t delay once it happens because the eggs start to go to the next phase of their development.  In the antagonist protocol, patients generally take stimulation medication from 10 to 13 days.  Now if they have to trigger one day early, it’s no big deal.  Two days early can have some problems, but you generally get good eggs, but three days early is a big problem.  You want the eggs to get to a certain level of maturity before the LH surge happens.  I was 3 days early.  They didn’t really get enough time “to cook”.  He said the fact that we got 10 eggs with 6 (relatively) mature and all 6 fertilizing was a really good sign.  He also explained the fact that I got pregnant was also a very good indicator of future success.  He said that the embryo that implanted was just not a good one (DNA wise) and that if it was, I would probably been able to stay pregnant and have a normal healthy baby.  Next time we will hopefully have more fully mature eggs to start with that have had time to properly develop all the necessary bits to have better success.  He said if we had been able to stim for a couple of days more, the outcome would have been much better, including maybe having some make it to Day 5 for better selection, or even have some left for freezing.  I hope he is right.

So now on to THE PLAN.  DocO suggested that we do a lupron based protocol next time.  This is normally their preferred protocol and they have good success with it.  There is no centrotide used in this protocol.  He was very positive on the outlook and gave me a good prognosis.  He isn’t sure if it will be long lupron or micro-dose.  He said that they always talk through these things in a group meeting with all of the professionals present to get as much brain power on the cycle plan as possible.  So we won’t know until we get closer to the date at hand.  We are taking this month off at his recommendation (Yay! I get to visit my family in So. Cal.) and will start stimming in late July for an estimated August retrieval/transfer.

After the meeting, DocO walked us to the waiting room and we chatted about the books we are reading/listening to via Audible.  He and MrBeep started to talk about their favorites and some military history books (DocO is a Navy Veteran), those two also should go on a playdate some time.  DocO didn’t have to be his awesome nice self.  I can tell he really cares.  He could have just been matter-of-fact/doctor like, but everyone in that office is just wonderful.  MrBeep and I knew this may take more than one try, we are still quite aware that we may never be successful, but all signs are pointing in a positive direction for now.  I have read that many folks have problems trying to get their protocol nailed down with IVF #1 and later ones work out the wrinkles. 

I left the meeting feeling SOOOOOOOO relieved. I didn’t do anything wrong (in terms of med dosage, monitoring, etc), my little monsters achieved so much despite the odds against them.  I know they are hanging out for better raw material next time.  My heart was light and fluffy.  I am filled again with hope.

Nope.

The first and most important thing to tell everyone today is how much I appreciate all of your kind words, good thoughts, prayers and wishes.  I was a little shy about documenting this journey and opening my wounds to the world, but ultimately I hoped it would help others as well as me.  I can’t express how much finding my new bloggidy friends who are experiencing the same roller coaster of frustrations and hopes and joys means to me.  Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

I woke up this morning at the godawful early hour of 6:40 am (I went to sleep at 1:40 am), grabbed a pregnancy test and used it.  After counting the required seconds in the stream, I placed it on a washcloth on the bathroom counter, covered it with tissue so I couldn’t read it, then left the room to get dressed.   Next I headed to the RE office for my 2nd beta/blood test.  I took along a container of strawberries freshly picked from my garden the evening before.  I wanted to give a little thanks to everyone at the office who have been so absolutely kind to me, they all kept telling us how much they were rooting for a positive and I know that they are all sincere and really care.  That also means so much during these delicate times.

One of the RE nurses, Katie stopped me as I came out of phlebotomy.  We talked in a room and I let her know that I didn’t think it worked since my pee test was negative the day before, but I wanted to make her aware of a few pains in my left side (near ovary/tubes area).  She told me that they would keep an eye on these beta numbers, and to not give up hope yet.  She did mention to call them any time day or night, even the emergency line if I had questions, but if I found I was in extreme pain, to head straight to the emergency room.  We talked a little about this IVF cycle, I mentioned I was ready to do another one if the doctors said it was OK.  She said that things overall looked pretty good.  I did stimulate well, we got to both egg retrieval and transfer, so the outlook was still overall pretty good.

I drove home and as soon as I got into the house went to check the results of the pee stick.  NOT PREGNANT was blazing up at me.  I wasn’t surprised.  I was back early enough to enjoy a snuggle with MrBeep.  I climbed in bed and told him the POAS results.  He held me tight, gave me lots of kisses and we talked. I started to cry and told him “I just didn’t do good enough for our monsters. They needed a better home with the best material possible, but I didn’t have it this time.  They are picky little monsters and I don’t blame them.”  MrBeep reminded me that this was something we had to work on and we knew it may take some rounds to hopefully reach success.  He said we’d work to find the best way to keep a monster or two.  I really hope he is right. 

I miss my monsters already.

MrBeep offered to stay home from work today, but I told him I had a ton of preparation for our short film shoot this weekend.  I told him I would call him with the news from the RE’s office and I asked him to try to come home early if the news was negative.  The call came around 2:15 p.m.  The nurse said she had spoke with Katie about our chat and she knew that I was perhaps expecting this news…”I’m sorry but the number has gone down today, it’s now at 10.4” she said.  I told her that I had checked the pee stick from this morning and knew.  The nurse was really sweet and supportive.  She told me to stop my meds.  She explained that they usually require a cycle off to let your hormones get back to normal, but that she would talk with my doctor and we may use this next cycle for the prep (some take birth control pills, my protocol is estrace/antagonist the couple of weeks before stimming).  We scheduled a cycle review meeting with DocO on Monday morning at 9:30 a.m.  So I will get my WTF meeting early next week.  I called MrBeep and gave him all of the news and plans.  He made me feel better and will be coming home early.  I love and appreciate him so much, it makes my heart ache.

I know this may sound trite or hokey, but I still feel really lucky.  I did not have some of the unbearable stress that many folks have had to endure due to the assvice of others, doctors who could give a shit, clinics that treat them as a number instead of a person, problems at work trying to juggle a challenging IVF schedule, or even medical complications along the way that would indicate really dire problems during a future IVF try.  The truth is, we all want to be that miracle IVFer, to be the “it worked on the first try girl” but given my age, the chances were in a room of 3 people, 2 wouldn’t come out with baby in their arms.  I was one of those two who didn’t and perhaps that’s OK.  I can afford another round, my spirit is not broken, time is ticking…but it has not run out.  In the end I will get the monster of my dreams.  In the end, I am still IF Optimist.

Showin’ and tellin’ ‘bout my little monsters

As promised, I’m writing about my wonderful day last Wednedsay.  I wanted to take some extra time to write in detail how my day went, any science-y or technical stuff and finally how I felt when it was all done.  I started off the day with my morning snuggle with MrBeep.  Then I enjoyed my morning google reader/blog fix, commented on a few posts, then wrote a transfer day checklist. Then it was off for a bath and getting ready.  I wore my fabulous flowery brown and pink pants, a pink shirt, my Gramma’s locket, my wedding ring, engagement ring and finally my tangerine dream earrings from The Awesome JJ.  Fully loaded with as much positive juju as possible, I stepped out the door and wizzed off to pick up Looooo. 

She and I headed out to PCC Natural Market, picked up a light lunch from the deli area, then we headed out to a waterfront park to enjoy lunch and relax.

I gobbled a yummy veggie wrap, a cup of soup and finished with an awesome peanut butter chocolate chunk cookie.  Looooo gave me a piece of her vegan gingerbread cookie and WOWZER it was even better than mine.  I relaxed and munched away, she told me about her crazy week doggy sitting 3 Jack Russell terriers for a friend.  Mayhem and adventure was a major theme.  It was great.  No talk about what was going down in a few hours, no infertility drama, etc.  It was so calming.  I needed it.

I kicked off my sandals and let my toes wriggle in the cool grass.  The sun warmed my face, the wind cooled my skin.  A glorious day. The high was 85 degrees, it was the warmest day of the year so far.  Closing my eyes, I decided I wouldn’t allow my mind to obsess or think in circles.  Calm mind, warm heart.  Breathe.  It took a lot of years to arrive at this day.  Just IN.  And OUT.

After my toes were cool, my hunger sated, and my skin warm, Looooo drove me to the RE clinic and gave me a hug.  I decided to try the pre and post transfer acupuncture, I really appreciate the advice from folks here on my blog and on the forums at Resolve.org.  I met with a really nice acupuncture professional who asked if my bladder was full.  It was QUITE FULL actually, and I was in a bit of discomfort.  She said it was OK to use the bathroom.  Despite all of my water guzzling during lunch, I honestly didn’t think I’d be able to get back up to my full potential within an hour, so I just went to the point where I was no longer in pain, but not empty either.  Yes, I stopped mid-stream…I discovered my totally lame Heroes power. 

She brought me into a procedure room and I lay flat on a cushioned exam table.  She asked if I had any questions or concerns (I couldn’t think of any) so we began.  She placed needles in my wrists, belly, knees, feet, ears, and on the top of my head.  She put an herbal eyemask on my face, turned on some lilting, ethereal music and dimmed the lights.  She told me to just relax and breathe and then left me to be at peace.  I settled my mind and stayed in the moment, just breathing deeply, letting all of my muscles relax.  I steadied my nerves, my breathing and (hopefully) my blood pressure.  After the procedure was over, MrBeep came into the room and gave me a kiss.  The acupuncturist gently removed the needles, helped me up from the table and walked us both back to the patient recovery room near the procedure/IVF transfer room.

Prep and Embryo Selection

I was given a warm gown, booties and a very fashionable hair cap (well…OK.  not really very fashionable at all) and asked to change into them.  MrBeep was given scrubs, booties and a cap too.  He was very cute in his blue scrubs!  I wanted to take a photo, but I forgot the chip in my camera (don’t you hate that?)  Grrrrrrrr.  After a few minutes, an RE nurse came in and checked my name and birth date. 

“And what procedure are you here for today?” she asked. 
“My Day 3 Embryo transfer” I replied, smiling. I like that they check to make sure every little thing, even the stuff that would seem obvious, ‘cause you never know.
“Excellent.  DrL will be right with you to go over the procedure and tell you about your embryos.”

I was very nervous.  I knew we had enough to be there, but had no idea of the quantity or quality.  DrL stopped by a few minutes later, smiling.  He shook hands with my husband and they did a little required guy talk “So what line of work are you in?” asked DrL.  “Biotechnology” replied MrBeep.  Then they discussed the use of DNA microarrays for pre and post-natal genetic screening (this is one division of MrBeep’s company, others include cancer screening, and biowarfare agent detection).  DrL warmed up to MrBeep right away.  He has that effect on people.  Then we got down to talking about the embryos.  DrL told us there was good news. We had 3 or 4 embryos available to transfer.  He explained that there was no way to tell by sight which one was most likely to implant (if any at all).  He said it was up to us whether to do 3 or 4.  We discussed a few different options and got his advice.  Finally, due to my age (40), our MF and the quality of the embryos, we decided to transfer all 4.  All were at least 8 cells.  #1 looked great, 2 and 3 looked good and 4 was looking a tad fragmented, but not out of the running.  We decided to give the li’l guy/gal a chance and included #4 too.  DrL said we made a great decision and told me to sit tight for another few minutes while the embryologist got the embies ready.

The Procedure

When everything was ready, MrBeep and I were escorted across the hall to the procedure room.  Did I mention how cute he was in his blue scrubs?  I got on the table, the nurse helped me into the industrial strength procedure stirrups (your legs are fully supported and your knees are held apart by these cushioned pads), and set a pillow behind my head.  MrBeep was seated in a chair next to me, and had a good view of the procedure monitor.  I was so glad he was near by.  I could squeeze his hand and get a smile if I were nervous. 

The embryologist (DrW) introduced himself and let us know that we should watch the wall monitor (TV) above our heads.  He said he was going to show us our embryos.  I was very interested in seeing this, I looked at MrBeep who gave me a smile.  DrW called out from the embryology lab and asked if we could see anything yet on the screen. 

What appeared were letters.  You see, the petri dish (via some fancy microscope/TV hookup) was shown on the monitor.  We could see that my name (DrW took us through each letter of my last, then first name) PLUS my birthdate were written on the petri dish itself. Then he zoomed in on the letter “R” and there were 4 tiny little embryos, all ready and waiting to be picked up by mommy and daddy.  I LOVED THIS.  No matter what my outcome for this cycle, I was able to see them on that day.  For that I am truly thankful. It made the whole experience so much more REAL, you know?  This was something that we could see with our own two eyes, not just drugs and injections and lab results on a spreadsheet, but real beings.  Our own 4 little monsters (see video).  He asked if everything looked right, we told him it all seemed great. 

Next DrL came in, washed up, set up the speculum and clamp (that one pinched like a muther this time).  He called to DrW we were ready to go.  The RE nurse squeezed some goo on my belly for the ultrasound image.  I was given an “atta girl” for my nicely full bladder.  The TV was switched from the  lab/microscope to the ultrasound monitor channel so we could watch the whole thing.  DrW came in with the embryo tube and gave them to DrL who got them into the transfer catheter.  He described what he was doing and said stuff like “see that little dot on the monitor that I am moving”  MrBeep said, “Yeah, I see it” and was watching intently.  I squeezed his hand.  I watched the TV and tried to see what DrL was describing, but flat on my back isn’t the best viewing angle and I couldn’t figure out a danged thing.  After a moment he said they all seemed to go in without a hitch and that we needed to stay still while DrW took the catheter back to the embryology lab to make sure that it was truly empty.

So I lay there, with all this pinchy stuff still up in mah bizzness, trying not to piddle on the floor at any moment.  After about a minute of awkward silence, I asked DrL about his profile on the clinic’s website.  It said that he is both a writer of non-fiction (over 125 scientific papers on infertility, this book) and fiction.  Now the RE books were expected, but fiction?  MrBeep said, “Really, you write fiction too?”  DrL grinned and thanked me for reading his profile and told us a little about the teen fiction he was currently writing.  The protagonist is a skateboarding girl, he wanted her to be a strong-willed and independent character, etc.  We all then relaxed and chatted about a few of our favorite fiction books.  What. A. Cool. Dude.

Finally DrW called out that no embies were left in the catheter and all seemed fine.  All equipment was removed from me (sweet Jebus I was sooooo done with that pinchy stuff).  We hung out in the procedure room for another 10 minutes or so, discussing books and military history and local museums.  MrBeep and DrL were standing next to me chatting (I thought they should totally go on a play date together) while I lay flat on the table.  Finally I was asked to scoot over to a rolling bed and taken back to my curtained patient recovery room.  I was told to remain laying still for another 30 minutes while I had my post-transfer acupuncture, which was similar to the first minus a few needles and locations.  After the half hour, I was assisted in sitting up and was allowed to FINALLY go to the bathroom.  “No pressure” said MrBeep “just relax and go with the flow.”  I did my best not to do the pee pee dance down the hall to the bathroom.  I returned to the room and changed into my normal clothes. 

The RE nurse stopped by and gave us a picture of the four embies now tucked away safe inside.  She went over my instructions and we were released to go home. As I was leaving, I saw DocO in the hallway and he let me give him a hug.  He told us that we had really great attitudes about this whole thing, which was so important for our mental well being.  Down the hallway, we saw DrL in his office.  MrBeep had a few  questions about the embryos in the picture.  I told MrBeep that he would have to come up with nicknames.  He pointed to one on the picture and said, “Look it has your smile” everyone laughed and wished us well.  I scheduled my blood test and yowzee the time flies.  The test will be this Sunday morning (6/14). 

Hey, it’s called SHOW and tell

So that’s my incredibly long-winded story.  It was very heavy on the TELL of show and tell, but thanks for making it through.  Here is the SHOW.

OK my little monsters.  Get your rock-paper-scissors battle going.  I want some of you to win a chance to stay with mommy.  Pretty please?  I’ll bake cookies.

Now go check out what the rest of the class is showing this week.  It is always great to find out what all of the other wonderful folks have been up to.
Thanks to Mel for changing the day and the opportunity to share!

I got 6

I finally got the call from the RE’s office at like 3pm.  I didn’t get a damned thing done all day because I was preoccupied and worried. 

The nurse reminded me that 10 eggs were retrieved, that 6 were mature and ALL 6 FERTILIZED!  Woot!

I know that 6 isn’t incredible, but after finding out how many follicles had no eggs, I was terrified they would only find 2 mature and have none that fertilized or some other really difficult news along those lines.  The nurse gave me the rest of my instructions for the day and when to show up for day 3 transfer (Wednesday at 2:30 p.m.).  They would call me at 10:30 a.m. that same day and let me know if there were any problems or if things were looking like a day 5 transfer.  She also asked me if I wanted to do acupuncture before and after the transfer.  I really don’t know whether I should try the acupuncture.  Any opinions? 

I called MrBeep at work and gave him the good news 6 outta 6.  He was very happy and said, “See, you didn’t need to get so upset, it’s working along.  These are good numbers.”  I agreed, but told him the why I had some of my worries and he understood.  He did keep me down to earth and reminded me that it still may not work out, but that we continuing to work on our goal and that we’ll try again if necessary.  I love that MrBeep.

I wish our eggies (now embies) are cooking happily away a few miles from home.  We’ll be back to pick you up soon.  Oh, and JJ -  I wore my tangerine dream earrings, but didn’t get a picture.  I also wore my heart shaped locket my Gramma gave me on my wedding day.  It has a picture of her and Grampa.  He gave it to her when they were dating, over 60 years ago. I’ll wear them both again on Wednesday.

So I today I am very happy with the number 6.  As a tribute, I give you this little tidbit:

Tiny dancer in my hands

But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly…slowly

Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today

I’m so glad that Marie at MoreCheese received great news after her ER.  The embies are working their little hearts out, growing away in the lab.  I promised her on the Resolve boards that I would do a silly fertility dance at midnight for the last few days.  Maybe my dances have been a little too intense because my numbers are going crazy right now. This tiny dancer is in fate’s hands and honestly, I’m really getting scared. 

I have taken stims for only 7 days.  My estradiol numbers have gone up well. I have lots of follicles on each ovary progressing nicely day by day.  I was very satisfied with what was happening, it seemed predicted and normal.  It was estimated earlier in the week that I would trigger on Day 10 with ER on Day 12.  Today I went in and my ultrasound looked good.  I had one follicle at 18, most of the rest were a few at 17, 16, and 15 (plus a few smaller ones chugging along).  I was told if my blood work was normal, that I would probably trigger on Sunday (Day 9) or Monday (Day 10). By the way the term “trigger” refers to taking a hormone called HCG.  Taking a HCG shot will force your body to ovulate in about 36 hours.

I received my afternoon update/instruction call from the RE nurse.  She asked me if I had taken my antagonist (cetrotide) that morning.  I told her I had taken it today and yesterday on time, without fail.  Well, my LH was surging on my own and it was too high for them to put off the trigger for even one more day.  So even though my follicles were very close to perfect/classic numbers we are rushing things along due to my wonky chemistry.  My LH hit 15, my E2 is at 2251.  I was sooo close.  Drat. Argh. FFFFFFFFuck! 

I told my husband over the phone when I heard the news from the RE nurse.  I lost it a bit and started to cry.  He was so understanding and kind.  He cheered me up, reminded me that we have some good looking ones that are very close to being ready.  I know that I could have had much worse news, but I do have a boatload of hormones zipping around in my system.  You can call me Girly McWeepypants.

What’s the big deal?  Well this means that I may get fewer mature eggs because the follicles aren’t as far along in the stim cycle.  Do you have any information on the best size of follicles versus E2 levels?  I did read a summary of a scientific paper that showeed evidence of smaller follicles for women over 35 leading to improved pregnancy rates, but they were using a different protocol than mine.  I can only hope that eggies are growing like gangbusters now that the drugs are done.  It’s all in my hands.

Ballerina,
you must have seen her
dancing in the sand

And now she's in me,
always with me,
tiny dancer in my hand

Now this tiny dancer is off for a midnight silly song/fertility dance for Marie’s embies (and now my follies too).

read-ING, talk-ING, walk-ING, stimm-ING

First I want to thank Wonderful Liv for sending me an email mentioning problems posting comments.  I was aware of the bug with the template but had no friends/followers commenting at the time.  Admittedly, I was a lazy a$$ and put off going through the code.  I am happy to report that I finally fixed the problem which only seemed to be for IE7.  I really appreciate the comments very much so thanks for being patient if you had trouble. There are many advantages to being a computer geek.

As for me, the IVF cycle is progressing very well.  I have been into the RE office every day this week either getting blood work or ultrasounds to monitor and measure those follies.  I am getting to the point where I feel I am bursting at the seams.  I have 8 on lefty and 9 on righty over 11mm right now.  I can walk at a pretty decent pace, but I can’t go super-fast and I also have some problems sitting and bending at the waist.  No complaints, just information.   Your kind words of encouragement are much appreciated, especially after the 5th shot in the belly of the day.  Thank goodness I’m down to 2-3 now.

After I went to the RE this morning and then spend a few hours talk-ING with my MIL about how things are progressing, the process involved, etc.  I answered all of her questions.  She is a very kind and fabulous person who said all the right things and made me feel very special.  If we are successful, this will be her first grandchild (my husband is an only child, so we’re IT).  After our nice talk, we went walk-ING down near the waterfront.  My huge ovaries were a tad uncomfortable by the end, but it was a glorious sunny day not to be missed or ignored.

I thoroughly look forward every morning to firing up ole bessie (my ancient laptop) and relaxing for an hour or so, read-ING my favorite blogs.  I love to hear the news on how folks are progressing with their cycles, their IVFs and IUIs, their pregnancies, and life with their children.  I also feel honored to be able to read and comment where folks are having a truly hard time.  Bad news, lost opportunities, and heart-rending sadness that is almost too much to bear.  Some of those brave souls are climbing their way out of an abyss. I cannot imagine the courage or grace it takes to do so. 

I am glad to know all of these people are out in my world.  It is a better place because of all of you.  I learn so much from every stage of this journey. 

Friday = 3 good things

Today I am happy to report on three very good things that made my day.

#1 – Blood work improved

My blood work is looking good enough that I am to start my stim medication tomorrow.  Here are the numbers/info from my day 1 and day 3 baseline ultrasound/bloodwork:

Follicle count = (lefty) 5-7  (right-o) 8-9
(Day 1) LH = 2.84 mIU/ml                    (Day 3) LH = 6.64 mIU/ml
(Day 1) Progesterone = 0.38 ng/ml       (Day 3) Progesterone = 0.42 ng/ml
(Day 1) Estradiol = 228 pg/ml               (Day 3) Estradiol = 97 pg/ml

So the high day 1 estradiol number was a concern for them (I have never had a number this high before).  It may have been due to the medications prescribed to me from in preparation for this IVF cycle. I had taken two additional estrace tablets that were a likely cause.  My day 3 estradiol has in the past couple of months has been around 50ish.  My FSH has hovered between 6.9 and 7.3 for the last few months.  The RE nurse explained were happy with the smaller day 3 estradiol number and I was told to start my stimming medication on Saturday morning. However they were surprised my antral follicle count was a tad lower than normal for me, I was told to start with a higher dose of gonadotrophin at 450 instead of 300 which had been the earlier estimate.  On Monday we’ll do another check and see how I’m responding.  So tomorrow morning I’ll be using the gonal-f pen at 450 and in the evening I’ll be taking menopur 150. I told DH the plan. He was excited and gave me lots of kisses.  Yay!

#2 – Working on my karma/helping a new friend

I ran into a great gal at my RE’s waiting room.  She and I share this IVF cycle (within a couple of days of each other).  We met at a Resolve meeting and also had injection classes together. We had a greet and a hug. She told me how her cycle was doing (unfortunately she’s getting some wicked headaches), I told her my estrace error/estradiol number.  She said that she didn’t know her exact numbers but was told they were “normal”.  “You didn’t use the web portal to find out your exact results?” I asked.  “What portal are you talking about?" she answered.  So I took her over to a demo computer, logged in and showed her the absolutely awesome web-based client system that gives you all of your lab results, instructions, medications and a means to contact the doctors and nurses at our RE clinic.  Did I mention how awesome DocO & the staff are?  They are truly faboo.  My cycle friend had forgotten their mentioning the portal and was super stoked to see it.  She got her password reset by the RE admin and thanked me for taking the extra time to show her.  I was very glad to help and hey, I need all of the karma points I can get right now, right?

#3 – A beautiful day

Today it was warm and sunny outside.  I went for a 3 mile walk on a nature river trail, listening to my ipod with the sun shining on my face. Aaaahhhhhh good.

Did you have a good day/good news/built some karma?

Show & Tell: OMG! You Rock! 2009

As I mentioned in earlier posts, I wiggled my way into the OMG You Rock Day 2009.  If you haven’t read about this great idea over on Liv’s blog, she suggested that May 10th (Mother’s Day) coming up would be a difficult day for us gals dealing with infertility.  Honestly, it is very hard to look at another Mother’s Day and wonder if it will happen for you this year (or ever).  It seems sometimes that the road I am walking is taking soooooo long. So Liv organized an exchange between the ladies who signed up.  You get an OMG! You Rock! partner’s address, name and their blog (if they have one).  The idea is to send along a card, a little gift, whatever you would like to tell a special person that today, they Totally Rock.  I sent an email asking to slide in under the deadline and Liv was so awesome, she partnered me up with the amazing JJ.  I read her blog, formulated some ideas, worked me little fingers to the bone (well, not really but I did get some craft glue in my hair) and posted her package on Wednesday.  I received her gift in the mailbox on Friday.  Now the cleverest part of this whole experiment was everyone was asked to wait opening their package until May 10th (Sunday) arrived, we were encouraged to meet in the Stirrup Queens Ballroom to enjoy a chat, post about what we received, and tell everyone who attend that Oh My God, they all totally rock!

This morning I woke up a little early (OK. Full disclosure: It was 10am -- but I was out at my bud Tiff’s house and in the hot tub until 3am, so it was technically early from my perspective.)  I grabbed my laptop, camera and my package from JJ, then I logged into the ballroom.  I opened up the package and…well…here’s how it went as a photo essay.

  
I grabbed my package and gently opened the top, then I peered inside.

   
Therein was a little box tied with a pretty bow and a card.  I opened up the card first. It was a really pretty card that had a very cool 3D effect.  There was also a picture of a little bee at the top (how did she know I love bees so much!) and said “just for you”.

I opened the card, started to read…and after a couple of sentences I began to cry.  What an awesome thing for JJ to do, taking time out of her busy schedule, reading about me on my blog and then writing such heartfelt and kind words of encouragement.  The part that especially made my waterworks start - she wrote me saying she was going to be out there cheering me on and said “I started IVF #2 in May of last year, and it was a lucky cycle – so I’m sending all that same May luck to you!”  She has a beautiful baby boy from that May cycle.  I finally felt like I was not alone.  Someone out there gets it and will be thinking of me in this tough time coming.  I really cherish those words JJ and I will keep that card always.  Oh…and also she let me know one very important thing:

 
JJ is so freaking cool.  I heart her big time today.

“Oooooh!” I said to myself, “What’s this now?  A little gift tied with a pretty bow?  Pour moi?”

Inside the pretty silver box was a gorgeous pair of dichroic glass earrings in a beautiful shade of tangerine.  I am going to call them my Tangerine Dream earrings. 

 
If I get to a magic day of an embryo transfer.  I promise I will wear my Tangerine Dreams earrings.

JJ was also really nice and mentioned my OMG You Rock! package in her blog entry today.  It is a great show and tell post on how little things can trigger big memories.  It was beautiful and profound.  Thank you so much for everything today JJ.  You Rock.

Many of the other ladies who participated in OMG You Rock 2009 posted their stories on Mel’s Show and Tell this week.  Click here to see what everyone is showing off.  I’m heading there right now.