A New Direction - Part 2

Thanks to mekate and her the Heartwork Campfire I got this post done. I set a small goal, I allowed some work to get done and then went off to play with my children in the sun, then I came back and finished. I also watched her video about Fear and took it to my heart to let a little of mine fly off my fingers and into this post. Maybe a little more will leave my heart too. Thank you sweet Kate.

I will be going ahead with a new blog and leaving this one behind soon. I will post the new name and link to all but keep this one around for a few years as a reference point. I think it is important to have that sense of history, but I didn't want to muddy IF Optimist with new categories and wanderings. I need to keep this place clean and special.

I didn't post too much after the girls were born because it was just SO HARD. MrBeep wasn't exactly there for me (but that is another long post). My time in the NICU was so scary. I sat by my sweet babies every day, all day. Hoping and aching that they would be OK. Even going to sleep was stressful because, what if I wasn't there and they needed me? What if they would stop breathing again? What if the nurses didn't respond to an alarm, again? Who was there to protect them? I slept in the NICU on the nights my favorite night nurses weren't on shift. I was more that just Mommy. I was their protector. I was their advocate when things "just didn't seem right." This was not just a day or two. It was weeks and months. I didn't get much sleep, I had almost no contact outside of the hospital. It was flu season and I didn't want to get sick and be denied access to my daughters.

Despair is a very good word that I lived with for a long time.

Then they finally came home, healthy and chubby and wonderful. And I still didn't post. It wasn't just because of the near impossible task of taking care of preemie twins mostly on my own, but I couldn't be that person who finally got the family she had been waiting and hoping for and then have most of her new posts be depression and whining about how hard everything was and how alone she feels all the time.

I didn't want to be that person. I was so tired. I was so afraid. Afraid that my community wouldn't understand or that I would be told to just get over it.

Looking back, I realize by making that decision...

I lost.

I lost the only community that really got it. I lost a connection to other wonderful and intelligent women out there who may have offered compassion or advice to alleviate my internal suffering. I lost the opportunity to be there for someone else too. I loved so much to read and comment.

Comments to me are more than a mere exchange of brief niceties. The comments I have received embraced me into a rare and precious community. I wish that the comments I have left for others have given comfort and compassion, sometimes laughter and even hope.

When the girls turned 19 months I started to get more regular sleep, I finally stopped using up hours pumping breastmilk for them and bits of free time emerged. I wanted to write about the good, so much good and priceless treasures I experience daily with these extraordinary little people. But then "survivor's guilt" hits and you feel edgy about pouring out your heart to say how absolutely wonderful it feels to finally have your family. You don't want to cause pain in the hearts of those who have supported you, so what do you do?

Fall silent.

But that doesn't really work, does it? I missed the community, but my place in that community was different or did I really even have a place? I find myself a bit lost and confused some times. Do you feel lost being an both an infertile and a mother with a child/children?

The real truth is that many of my bloggidy pals who are still around have families of their own now and they write exquisite posts. They will look back in the years to come and have all of those stories as clear as the day they penned them. I missed a grand opportunity to document all of the things that have happened in the last two years. I am very sad and a bit disappointed in myself for that.

I forgive myself.

I also make myself a promise...

By the time the girls turn 2, I will have a new place to pour my heart and joys into.

7 comments on "A New Direction - Part 2"

sprogblogger on March 25, 2012 at 5:51 PM said...

I am so very glad that you're planning to post more regularly. I think that although your readership might change, writing about your life is what this whole experience is about. You'll lose some readers now that you have your family, but some readers who are still in the trenches will find hope in reading your posts about family, knowing how hard it was for you to get to that place, knowing that this whole LIFE we get is a continuum. Up & down, happy & sad, it goes around and around, and--maybe, if we write honestly--sometimes it helps to be reminded of that, as well as befriended by people who are exactly where we are.

I'm sorry it was so very very hard, and so glad that things are easing up a bit now that they're a bit older. Glad you're getting a bit of your good life back, and REALLY looking forward to hearing about it!

Mrs. Gamgee on March 25, 2012 at 6:41 PM said...

I know that my adjustment after pregnancy and into the reality of motherhood was traumatic... I can't imagine throwing in twins and NICU and other challenges.

You are an incredibly strong woman and I am so glad that you are finding your voice again... we need all the stories.

Kate on March 25, 2012 at 6:47 PM said...

Oh Sweet T,
I ache for all of the support I did not offer, and for the loneliness of those first few months for you (especially)-- You are always part of my posse, and would have been no matter what. I have a feeling there are more who will say exactly the same thing. I am so glad the campfire worked for you in whatever ways, getting you to write (BRAVE) which is hard because it can break open wounds and feel seriously ouchy.

I am sending compassion to the you now, and the you then. I don't care about the space time continuum, your NICU self needs some serious love.

You've got it from me, always. Hear me? ALWAYS.


St Elsewhere on March 26, 2012 at 12:04 AM said...

"who finally got the family she had been waiting and hoping for and then have most of her new posts be depression and whining about how hard everything was and how alone she feels all the time."

In that case you are not alone...having crossed over, I am having my own issues with my new life.

But remember, talking about the depression does not mean we are ready to exchange our new status for anything. It has been such a hard-fought battle, that there is no other reality I want. Or you would want.

You were parenting multiples, and that increased your stress. As I can see there were other factors too...it is okay....you have to now ensure you don't lose anymore time...

I am sorry. I never figured out how hard life was for you. I only saw happy pictures.


Do keep me updated on the new address.

Pie on March 26, 2012 at 11:57 AM said...

I look forward to reading more from you, in whatever forum. I'm sorry we missed out on supporting you through those tough times, I do wish I had known. But what is is what is, so let's look forward to laughing and crying about those toddler years together.

Kate on March 26, 2012 at 8:08 PM said...

Great post - I'll be excited to see your new blog and read more about your life. Missed you, though I can certainly understand why you haven't been posting.
I use my blog as my journal to keep track of things, and if people want to read, great. If not, I'll still have a record of all that's gone on. My posts may not be well-written and eloquent, but they're good enough for me!

The Steadfast Warrior on March 27, 2012 at 7:29 AM said...

I am so overwhelmingly glad to hear your true voice here! And I'm glad your forgive yourself, because it is SO easy to beat yourself up over the things that something you just can't see or simply lose control over. PPD was one of the hardest things to tackle after struggling to be happy and hopeful about my third pregnancy.

The truth is that depression still clings to me quite fiercely and there are days I just can't be bothered with much of anything, despite the fact that there are people who depend on me. It's always a battle.

Know this… you are NOT less because you lost your voice for a time, but you become more when you find it again. You also may not have perfect records of the moments in time, but the person you are now can still look back on those moments and document them from your current perspective. There is nothing wrong with that.

I look forward to reading you in your new digs. :)


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