A New Direction - Part 2

Thanks to mekate and her the Heartwork Campfire I got this post done. I set a small goal, I allowed some work to get done and then went off to play with my children in the sun, then I came back and finished. I also watched her video about Fear and took it to my heart to let a little of mine fly off my fingers and into this post. Maybe a little more will leave my heart too. Thank you sweet Kate.

I will be going ahead with a new blog and leaving this one behind soon. I will post the new name and link to all but keep this one around for a few years as a reference point. I think it is important to have that sense of history, but I didn't want to muddy IF Optimist with new categories and wanderings. I need to keep this place clean and special.

I didn't post too much after the girls were born because it was just SO HARD. MrBeep wasn't exactly there for me (but that is another long post). My time in the NICU was so scary. I sat by my sweet babies every day, all day. Hoping and aching that they would be OK. Even going to sleep was stressful because, what if I wasn't there and they needed me? What if they would stop breathing again? What if the nurses didn't respond to an alarm, again? Who was there to protect them? I slept in the NICU on the nights my favorite night nurses weren't on shift. I was more that just Mommy. I was their protector. I was their advocate when things "just didn't seem right." This was not just a day or two. It was weeks and months. I didn't get much sleep, I had almost no contact outside of the hospital. It was flu season and I didn't want to get sick and be denied access to my daughters.

Despair is a very good word that I lived with for a long time.

Then they finally came home, healthy and chubby and wonderful. And I still didn't post. It wasn't just because of the near impossible task of taking care of preemie twins mostly on my own, but I couldn't be that person who finally got the family she had been waiting and hoping for and then have most of her new posts be depression and whining about how hard everything was and how alone she feels all the time.

I didn't want to be that person. I was so tired. I was so afraid. Afraid that my community wouldn't understand or that I would be told to just get over it.

Looking back, I realize by making that decision...

I lost.

I lost the only community that really got it. I lost a connection to other wonderful and intelligent women out there who may have offered compassion or advice to alleviate my internal suffering. I lost the opportunity to be there for someone else too. I loved so much to read and comment.

Comments to me are more than a mere exchange of brief niceties. The comments I have received embraced me into a rare and precious community. I wish that the comments I have left for others have given comfort and compassion, sometimes laughter and even hope.

When the girls turned 19 months I started to get more regular sleep, I finally stopped using up hours pumping breastmilk for them and bits of free time emerged. I wanted to write about the good, so much good and priceless treasures I experience daily with these extraordinary little people. But then "survivor's guilt" hits and you feel edgy about pouring out your heart to say how absolutely wonderful it feels to finally have your family. You don't want to cause pain in the hearts of those who have supported you, so what do you do?

Fall silent.

But that doesn't really work, does it? I missed the community, but my place in that community was different or did I really even have a place? I find myself a bit lost and confused some times. Do you feel lost being an both an infertile and a mother with a child/children?

The real truth is that many of my bloggidy pals who are still around have families of their own now and they write exquisite posts. They will look back in the years to come and have all of those stories as clear as the day they penned them. I missed a grand opportunity to document all of the things that have happened in the last two years. I am very sad and a bit disappointed in myself for that.

I forgive myself.

I also make myself a promise...

By the time the girls turn 2, I will have a new place to pour my heart and joys into.

A New Direction - Part 1

While the gacking has ended, a new runny drippy hacking cough has emerged throughout the house. From gacking to hacking around here. It's funny because I can pinpoint each activity that gets our new illness. This one was a large MOMs (Moms of Multiples) play date at a local toddler gym. I have to say that while the sickness is unpleasant, the activity was really fun and y'know they've got to get sick and work their immune systems at some point.

A New Direction

I have taken a good amount of time lately to think about the next steps for the blog. I really appreciated the input and comments. Truth is, however, that everyone who did answer that question has children of their own now. I think that it is very hard to keep up a blog with an infertility name that talked mostly about the process of finding a family once you have children of your own. I like the idea when I start my new blog it will be very much about being a mom, trying to have a sense of humor, and also maintaining some sense of self. I think I will feel unburdened to celebrate or complain without any "survivor's guilt" within the infertility/loss/adoption community. Do you know what I mean?

I have picked a name for the new blog. I am working on the layout for the blog now. I will not give anything else way but to say that I have a deadline thanks to the next Heartwork Campfire.

So here is a question that has been bumping about in my brain. What made you decide to be anonymous or public with your identity and that of your family on your blog? I am leaning toward "somewhat anonymous." I love to share pics and video of the girls and I think that should be a big part of the next chronicles, but what is safe and what is OK? How did you work it out. Any tips or hints? Thanks.

The Gack House

Thanks to those who commented on my last post. I appreciate your thoughts and experiences and am currently processing and deciding what to do next about whether to stay the same, move to a new blog, or just rename this one to something that is a little less "infertility sounding."

We've reached a milestone. Our first instance of stomach flu projectile vomiting. Celeste started getting really sick while I was out to dinner and then dropping a friend off at the airport. I came home to GrandmaBeep, GrandpaBeep and MrBeep with very worried and concerned looks on their faces. She hadn't eaten anything for dinner (even her favorite things) and then after her bath gacked everything from lunch up 4 or 5 times. What made everyone really concerned is that she and her sister were bouncing on the couch earlier in the evening and she fell and hit her head. It didn't seem too bad a fall but since she was vomiting a couple of hours later we all became a little concerned. There was much consulting of DrGoogle by MrBeep while I took care of her for the rest of the evening. After getting Viv to bed I tried giving Celeste her bottle and halfway through it all came up. MrBeep cleaned up the mess and I gave her another bath and calmed her down. She fell asleep in my arms, poor thing. We didn't have any other bouts of vomiting...from her...so far.

I, however, woke up at 2am for my own gack attack. I sat on the floor, giving offerings to the porcelain god, but I was sooooooooo happy that it meant Celeste just had a tummy flu and not a mild concussion. Whew!

How strange it is sometimes to be a mommy. Don't you agree? Even when you don't feel well yourself, a short time before it would be all about me and instead the first thing to you mind is your little one.

--IF

P.S. Does anyone have a recommendation on a good carpet cleaner? I'm thinking with two kids maybe a spotbot or a full upright carpet cleaner may not be such a bad idea.

Thinking Out Loud

Thanks to mekate at icantwhistle for posting a comment that finally kicked my lazy ass into gear. I decided that the only way I can move in any direction is to think out loud. Yes. It's true. I used to love to write. I used to love to read other blogs.

but...

Time with twins has been double the crazy. I think it is only now with them at 22 months that I can consistently steal some time away and be able to think and try to write.
My brain is getting mushy, my fingers are getting rusty. It is time to write again.

but...

Should I continue this blog or start a new one? IF Optimist was very much an infertility and pregnancy blog. I honestly don't think that I'll write too much on those subjects any more. I am leaning towards starting anew.

Truth is that yes, I do want to talk about infertility a tiny bit. I want to talk about my pregnancy a tiny bit, too but mostly I want to talk about motherhood and technology and food and ideas that float around in my noodle.

For those of you who have moved on, past writing about pee sticks and procedures and pregnancy, how did you choose? Did you stay with your current blog or start anew? How did/do you stay connected with your very special bloggidy friends?

Also do you have any strong opinions on anonymous or let it all hang out openness.

I don't know if anyone is listening any more but if you are, I'd really love to know what you think.

OXXO - IF

Oh and here is some eye candy of my big grrl monsters. My head may be a little empty sometimes, but they fill my heart a thousand times over.

Celeste on a Fall Day

Vivien at the Aquarium

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday - Visit with My Mom & Dad

10 minutes of writing for 10 months of love

Here are my 10 minutes to write...

It has been 10 months since they showed up and smiled. I am blessed and exhausted and happy and haunted all at the same time. They were so tiny when they came. Red and wrinkled and fragile while still brave and strong. Each is so unique. Her own little person. MrBeep and I marvel at them every day. They babble and bundle and bounce.

I take each day a minute at a time. Twins are hard. Preemie twins are harder still. There is so much to juggle but every day it gets a little easier.

Celeste is learning to sleep without her swaddle. A big girl with arms flung wide, like she is ready to embrace the world.

She wakes often during the night, testing this new freedom with legs kicking up and thudding on the bed. Her wackiness wakes her sister who is finally cutting her first teeth. Viv's eyes get red, her brow furrows and she wails. I think she is saying, "Hey sister! Stop being silly, it's 2 am and I want to sleep!"

We've had to move them into separate rooms temporarily.

It means that when she wakes, I get to snuggle with Viv and listen to her breathe in the dark. It is a miracle to me.

I try to read a bit and comment a bit when I can. Sending out some love in any and all directions.

Celeste in her high chair

Viv sporting a cool hairdo