IF Optimist, then...

Wordless Wednesday

2011-06-01T07:26:00.001-07:00

Wordless Wednesday - Visit with My Mom & Dad

2011-05-18T07:05:00.001-07:00

10 minutes of writing for 10 months of love

2011-02-18T17:10:00.001-08:00

Here are my 10 minutes to write...

It has been 10 months since they showed up and smiled. I am blessed and exhausted and happy and haunted all at the same time. They were so tiny when they came. Red and wrinkled and fragile while still brave and strong. Each is so unique. Her own little person. MrBeep and I marvel at them every day. They babble and bundle and bounce.

I take each day a minute at a time. Twins are hard. Preemie twins are harder still. There is so much to juggle but every day it gets a little easier.

Celeste is learning to sleep without her swaddle. A big girl with arms flung wide, like she is ready to embrace the world.

She wakes often during the night, testing this new freedom with legs kicking up and thudding on the bed. Her wackiness wakes her sister who is finally cutting her first teeth. Viv's eyes get red, her brow furrows and she wails. I think she is saying, "Hey sister! Stop being silly, it's 2 am and I want to sleep!"

We've had to move them into separate rooms temporarily.

It means that when she wakes, I get to snuggle with Viv and listen to her breathe in the dark. It is a miracle to me.

I try to read a bit and comment a bit when I can. Sending out some love in any and all directions.

Celeste in her high chair

Viv sporting a cool hairdo

Fabulous Fotography Friday

2011-01-28T09:59:00.001-08:00

OK. So I was either too stupid or lazy or busy or whatthefuckIamsosleepdeprivedIdontknowwhatmonthitis to post when it was time appropriate.

I love halloween and we had a great time giving out candy and for this, the first year ever, I got to go trick or treating with the grrlmonsters. We had had a collection box for UNICEF and raised $38. MrBeep and I matched the money to make it $72, then we gave it to a Microsoft buddy for them to match it making it a grand total of $144 for UNICEF. AWESOME! Here are some pics of that day:

The House Decoration

Heading out for trick or treating:

Vivien aka Fairygirl

Celeste aka Starchild

A Broken Heart

2011-01-23T22:59:00.001-08:00

I have sat in the corner of a room in the NICU. Filled with a vast emptiness that I just can't describe with words. Worry consumed my soul, fear gripped my heart and all I could do was quietly sob. Every day I waited by their bedside, hour after hour, quietly whispering...

"How precious you are and
how strong my little girls are and
to hold on and

Mommy loves you.
Mommy loves you.
Mommy loves you."

We got through each minute, then each hour, then each day. Little by little hope poured in to fill the void where fear had left me empty.

I remember that fear like a knife through me. The "what if The Worse were to happen" dread. I had no idea how my soul could survive.

Today I read about Wiseguy.

She lost her Lola. So wanted and so loved.

My heart is broken for her. I had a drop of rain on the shore while she has the tsnunami.

I wish I could change the world and time. I wish I could give you a hug and let you cry on my shoulder. You have given us all so much kindness and laughter and support. In your time of need we can only give you words. Wiseguy, I have left my comment of love and condolences, but it is a pale thing when surrounded by hopelessness and despair.

Please go and send her love.

A great day

2011-01-17T21:49:00.001-08:00

I had a great day! A friend stopped by who is 5 months pregnant. She got pregnant that normal way. You know the one. You've read out it. You have this thing called S-E-X and nine months later a baby comes.

Voila! Like magic.

Her pregnancy is going along great. No complications, no worries, no bedrest, no infections, no bleeding.

I am happy for her. It seems strange to sometimes see the world through normal eyes. She is understanding and compassionate about my situation, she talked about what we may be able to do together once her little boy comes along and it makes me begin to feel...

normal too.

That makes my heart lift a bit.

No more fretting, no more heart-wrenching worry, no more waiting for the other shoe to drop.

We went out for lunch, the girls and she and I. We were "ladies who lunch". The girls napped for the first 40 minutes or so and then they awoke and were interested in the bustle of the restaurant. About the time the check arrived, a little whine escaped from Viv and it was time to go. When we got home the girls had their lunch too, then we headed off for a coffee with another friend.

The girls were giggly and charming and things again begin to turn toward a fresh new life.

Yay.

A great day. Hope you are having one too.

Sending much love and hope to Jem at Ambivalent Womb whose little embies are baking away. Wishing and hoping and praying to the universe for her.

Happy New Year & Congrats Wiseguy

2011-01-16T16:43:00.001-08:00

I know that I am very very late in wishing this to you all. 2010 was a crazy year.

I wanted to take an extra minute to say a heartfelt Congratulations! to Wiseguy who had a little girl. It is always heartening to know that another long journey to find one's family is over and the new journey of motherhood will now begin.

I never know what to say in the blog lately. I feel that I want to say so much, but never feel I can do anything justice. Having twins is double the joy and double the work. I am often without much time to think, let alone write. I need to find a way to make short and sweet work for me. That is a good new year's resolution!

I will post this and say to all I hope that 2011 will be the best year yet for us all.

Also just a little pic of us. Celeste is on the left and Vivien is on the right (I am the grinning dope in the middle).

Ode to mekate

2010-11-07T09:03:00.000-08:00

Ode to mekate

Tick, tick, tick, tick...
a new clock is winding down.
Any day.
Any minute.
Any second
and a new one to love will be here with warm flesh to kiss
and nuzzle,
smelling like fresh life and endless happiness.

So soon.
So soon.

SPROGBLOGGER HAS POPPED!!!!

2010-09-17T23:23:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone, it's super duper late over here but Susan aka Sprogblogger has posted an entry that her water has broken. Please head over to wish her well.

She is one of my premiere bloggidy heroes.

She is so so so so so so ready to be a fabulous mom.

I am sending all my good thoughts to her and her talented husband. I pray your little boy arrives in this world healthy and happy and I know that most of all he will be...

♥ ♥ ♥ so very loved and cherished ♥ ♥ ♥

Big hugs and blown kisses and good luck prayers to you Susan.

-- Traci

Wordless Wednesday

2010-09-15T10:53:00.001-07:00

Hello world v. 2.0

2010-09-13T08:43:00.001-07:00

Where do I start after been away for so long? How can I possibly catch up with all of the crazy from day to day? What should I write about first?

I don't know.

I know this. I miss writing. I miss reading. I miss connecting with all of my bloggidy friends.

So here I am.

Sorry for being away for so long.

It has been wonderful and hectic and joyous and heart-breakingly sad at times.

Sounds a little like that thing...you know...what's it called again? Oh yeah.

Life.

I was without a laptop since about August 1st. I let my teenage niece use it while she was visiting and well, she discovered Fa.cebook. So yeah, I never saw the laptop again. ;-)

Truth be told, she was soooooo helpful and wonderful to have while trying to work a schedule out with the babies that MrBeep and I decided to give her my old laptop as a thank you gift when she left about three weeks later. She was a pretty happy 13 year old, let me tell you that.

So I finally broke down last week and bought a new fresh mac-daddy-of-a-wompum laptop. I bought a refurbished unit to save some money. It is very fast and sleek and best of all I can do all of my photography and video editing wherever I am. Since it is an intel-based processor, I can also load up Windows 7 on it and that will be superawesomepuss as well.

So it arrived a couple of days ago and voila since that time I have been reading blogs again and commenting and now, here I am posting an entry of my very own. It's like freaking magic.

I can write and read and research on the laptop even if the babies are sleeping away in their cribs and I am hooked up to the pump. By the way which is where they both are right now. Ahhhh sleepy bubs. And I am just a few feet away, sitting on my bed and pumping and writing and reading and I can't really explain just how happy and relieved that makes me feel.

Wanna know a truly embarrassing secret? Since getting my computer back, my milk supply has increased and my PPD has significantly lifted. Is that lame or what? I am truly that much of a computer nerd that I tie a load of happiness to electronic communication?

Well, it's the truth. My pumping volume doubled just about overnight and I haven't been a weepy mess in the last few days. So now that I am officially back and a new normal is starting to emerge, I'll just end by saying...

Hello world.

Again.

Home :-)

2010-07-12T23:59:00.001-07:00

Life is happy but hectic. The C-Monster came home on June 15, 2010 at 6 lbs 14 oz. Her grandparents kept watch over her in the hospital while I went to get MrBeep. We went out for our last dinner together (sans kids or major organizing) and had a big bowl of yummy pho. On the way back to get Cece (pronounced SEE-SEE) we saw the most amazing and vibrant rainbow I have ever seen in my life. This photo can’t do it justice, I didn’t have my camera with me, but MrBeep grabbed a shot with his mediocre camera phone. I know it sounds totally cliché, but from our perspective the end of that rainbow went right to our neighborhood, to Home.

The V-Creature came home a week later at 7 lbs 4 oz, she just needed to work on her bottle feeding. Both girls are doing great. We aren’t prescribed any special medications or equipment. Just a multi-vitamin and a tsp of preemie formula to add to breastmilk as a fortifier until the girls can eat a large enough volume, then that will go too. They were both home about a week before their due date.

A new kind of normal is gradually coming together. We are all so happy to be at home. We appreciate the wonderful care we received in the NICU, but HOME is my favorite place and now I have a complete one with My Own Little Family.

Our pediatrician is excellent and hilarious. He joked he was concerned by their lack of a neck, but pronounced them both “keepers” and was happy that they didn’t have “that creepy preemie look”. Both girls are now over 8.5 lbs. Go chunkers!

It has been a real interesting challenge to get their feedings under control and somewhat coordinated. It was originally taking an hour per girl to eat and burp, then I had to pump for 40 minutes. That only left 20 minutes for anything else before the feedings began again. Every 3 hours, round the clock. We have all be very very well…see for yourself…Cece is on the left and Vivie is on the right.

Even Daddy has been tuckered out. :-) MrBeep has been so wonderful, he talks to them and feeds them with a bottle when they aren’t nursing with Mommy. A few times they have all fallen asleep on the couch or he’ll snuggle with one of the girls while I have the other one laying on me, or wrapped up in a Moby out for a walk in the eve of a summer night.

Catching up with you all is something that is important to me. I will try my best to peruse between feedings and writing and pumping and post-nesting. Thanks for your comments on my last post and for your words of encouragement. Sending out love in all directions. OXXO – IF.

Holding steady, more info soon

2010-06-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

We are doing fine. Celeste is home. Vivien should be home next week. I am stealing a little of my sleep time to post this short note and read a couple of blogs. The hospital NICU's internet is really horrible, so I haven't been able to keep up...but next week it should all be over.

The babies are great, both over 7 lbs and have no special needs for when they come home.

I am filled with joy.

MrBeep is incredible.

More next week.

Sending much love out there to you all.

-IF

35 Weeks & 5 lbs 10 oz!

2010-05-25T06:15:00.001-07:00

The girls have done it! We’ve reached 35 weeks. In fact, they are six weeks old today. Last night they weighed in at 5 lbs 10 oz. Their weight is only 8 grams different. It’s pretty extraordinary and I am overjoyed that they have kept up good growth. We are now too big for preemie clothes and diapers and have moved up. I tell the girls that I am so proud of them that they have “big girl panties” since they wear newborn sized diapers instead of preemie. Celeste is 18.75” in length and Vivien is 18.25”.

They are both taking feedings from a bottle and from the breast. They are still getting fed half of their meals via a gavage tube that goes from their nose into their tummy. I pump breast milk 6-7 times per day and get around 7-10 oz (~250-300 ml) each time. I make wwwaaaayyyyy more milk than what they currently need. I have filled the freezer in their NICU suite 3 times! They always get fresh milk and I am saving the freezer stuff for when they come home and my husband or in-laws can feed them a bottle while I get some extra sleep. I mention this because I was really worried that having a premature baby would mean that I couldn’t make adequate milk. Luckily for me, thank goodness, this is not a problem. I drink a ton of water to help my supply (about 2-3 liters per day), I pump every 3-4 hours for 30+ minutes and I hand express any extra milk to ensure that my breasts are as empty as possible. I really think that early and often hand expression (this was encouraged by the lactation consultants in the NICU) has really made a difference.

Unfortunately, my sweetie girls still have apnea of prematurity episodes a few times per day, but they are steadily growing out of it. They no longer have nasal cannulas to give them airflow to remind them to breathe and are only on extra doses of caffeine (very Seattle). We expect that we will be able to take them home in 2-3 weeks. They will have to stop having apnea episodes, take all of their feeds from either breast or bottle (they do about half now), continue to gain weight and maintain their body temperature in their open cribs (they’ve been out of their isolettes for about 2 weeks now).

I spend most of my day in the NICU. I wake up in the morning around 6:30 am to pump breast milk for them, then I take a nap until about 9:30 to drive to the hospital where I try to feed at the breast by 10:30. I stay with them all day in our private room at the hospital. I change their diapers, feed them and also help the nurse with little tasks. I give them a bath once or twice per week. My favorite part of the day when I get to hold them kangaroo style (skin-to-skin) quietly sing songs and love them up. My mother and father in law show up around 6:00 pm to give me a break. I go home and spend 3-4 hours with MrBeep, then we both head back to the hospital and hang out with the girls until about 1:00 to 2:00 am. When either girl has a bad day, then I spend the night and sleep on a foam bed in their room. Luckily, they have been doing well for several weeks and I haven’t had to sleep over for a while.

Thank you all so much for checking on me. I try to steal time away during the day to read your blogs. I comment when I can. To tell the truth, there has been much fear and many tears shed on my part, but we are steadily getting through this. I find it hard to write about it, I can’t seem to get back the same quiet time to reflect on my feelings and I don’t think that dwelling on the negative is useful for me right now. I would rather spend my energy holding them next to my skin (they love skin-to-skin contact). I would rather spend my energy quietly singing songs and telling them how much they are loved and how proud we are of them. They are both very hearty and healthy and (in my humble opinion) are beyond adorable. I am so in love. My heart is full.

32 weeks, names & our first 2 weeks in the NICU

2010-05-02T17:49:00.001-07:00

We’ve reached 32 weeks! The grrls are doing well and growing every day. They are still preemies and have some issues and minor scares but we are getting through each day as best we can. I get to take care of their diapers and help the nurses with little things and every day I take out one or both babies and we have some skin-to-skin kangaroo care.

♥♥ I call it “snuggly time” and I love it. ♥♥

I want to do another positive post to mark our 32 week milestone. It’s not where I had hoped I would be, it’s not what I expected. I’ll write more about a day in the life for a mom with babies in the NICU next week, but today I celebrate. I celebrate life and love and happiness. There are many frets and worries, handwringing and quiet tears shed in the night but they are getting bigger and stronger every day. With each day the heavy burden on my heart lifts just a little. Each little one opens her eyes and gazes at Mommy, sometimes I get a delightful gummy grin. I am overcome.

Their growth is good and steady. Wiggles now weighs 3 lbs 12 oz and Pip weighs 3 lbs 14 oz (they are well past their birthweights of 3 lbs 3 oz and 3 lbs 5 oz). I think they may hit 4 pounds tonight or tomorrow. YAY! They are fed mommy’s milk with a little fortifier added for extra calories, vitamins and protein (this is typical for preemies). They aren’t on any type of formula. I have surpassed them with my pumping 7-8 times per day and the freezer in our NICU fridge is getting pretty full. Each one takes about 10 oz of milk per day, so I need to produce at least 20 oz/day. I am typically doing between 4-6 ounces each time I pump and I pump 7-8 times per day. As their weight increases, the milk needs will increase. I am doing my best to stay on target.

Our biggest problem and concern is with Apnea of Prematurity. Basically they have occasions when they forget to breathe or are breathing so shallow that it causes their oxygen levels to fall. They have little probes on their chests and a special NICU pulse oximeter on a foot to keep track of their heart rate, breathing and blood oxygen levels. If anything gets out of the desired range, little alarms will sound in the room, their NICU nurse is paged and an emergency light illuminates outside their room. Our girls have their own room in the NICU and their own nurse. Sometimes we share a nurse with 1 other baby, but the ratio is typically 2:1 or 3:1. I stay here most of the day and on some nights when they are having a day with lots of episodes of apnea. They will eventually grow out of the apnea as their brains and nervous systems finish developing. In the meantime, it is really hard to leave them alone, even though they have excellent care. Most of their episodes of apnea they recover within seconds on their own, other times a nurse comes to stimulate them a bit by changing their position, rubbing their back or tummy or feet. We have had to put them on a nasal cannula with 3-4 liters of high-flow room air to help reduce the number of episodes per day. It has dramatically reduced the number and severity of the apnea episodes. Luckily room air is good enough and they do not require supplemental oxygen. I will be a very happy person in about 3-4 more weeks when brain development at 34-36 weeks typically eliminates this problem.

Having fun with “The Name Game”

We had a lot of fun coming up with names for our kiddos. We made a big list and since many of the names were unusual, we sent out the list to many friends and family to get feedback. It helped to eliminate a few names we were on the fence about and we had a great time discussing with a few folks. In the end we pared the list down and picked our favorites. Then we called our parents and discussed which one of the twins should get each name. Celeste looks like MrBeep, she has his nose and eyes, so we decided if he was a girl Celeste would fit him well. Vivien looks like me in my baby pictures and has my nose and eyes. I think that I could look like a Vivien. For pet names, we will call them CeCe (pronounced see-see) and Vivie.

The girl's name Celeste \ce-les-te, is pronounced seh-LEST. It is of Latin origin, and its meaning is "heavenly".

The girl's name Astrid \a-st-rid, is pronounced AS-trid. It is of Old Norse origin, and its meaning is "fair, beautiful goddess" from the elements 'as', which relates to the Aesir [a group of gods formed around Odin] and 'trud', 'fair' or 'beautiful'. It was the name of one of the Valkyries.

The girl's name Vivien \v(i)-vien\, is pronounced VIV-ee-en. It is of Latin origin, and its meaning is "lively". An ancient personal name. The name has been common only since the 19th century. In Malory's "Morte d'Arthur", Vivien was the Lady of the Lake and also the enchantress of Merlin.

The girl's name Fay \fay\, is pronounced fay. Fay is derived from Middle English faie meaning "fairy", such as in the popular Arthurian figure of Morgan Le Fay. Faye is also the English form of the old French Foy, meaning "faith" (from the Latin 'fides').

Thanks to those who have been checking up on me and thank you so much for the congrats and well wishes. I have been trying my best to establish some type of schedule and get back to reading and writing blog posts. I purchased this hands-free pumping bra. I think this will give me back a few extra hours a day and I really like that. I’ve been sneaking a peak at various blogs from time to time on my phone or laptop when I get a few minutes. I hope to be back to commenting very soon too. I miss you all and wish you well.

♥ Welcome babies! Mommy loves you. ♥

2010-04-19T00:12:00.001-07:00

Hello my friends. I am sorry that I haven’t been able to write, but it was a crazy week. I went into the hospital on Sunday with contractions and our babies were born Monday, April 12, 2010 at 10:31 am and 10: 34 am. :-) I will not go into all of the details of what happened in this post. I just want to celebrate that they are here, very healthy and are growing and improving every day. I have been able to hold and snuggle each one of them, they are perfect and precious, but are just wee little babes who will need some support and time to grow.

MrBeep has been incredible. Through everything, no matter how scary, he was my rock. He went with the babies, on my request, and stayed with them while they were being tended to by the NICU staff. He came back to the OR, kissed me and told me everything I needed to know. He comforted me during the worst of the storm. I will be forever grateful for his love, strength and kindness.

I'm doing very good. Physically I did excellent with the emergency c-section and while I am a little tired, my pain levels are low and I can walk around, get up, etc. without much discomfort. I have only taken a few ibuprofen a day, no need for anything stronger. I'm not trying to be superwoman, I just am not in much pain.

The wee babes are doing very well (all things considered). They are 100% breathing on their own without any support. Their IVs will be out tomorrow. They will also be on 100% breast milk by tomorrow. The NICU staff started them with just colostrum and IV fluids, eventually transitioning to all mothers milk. They increase the milk every day and decreasing the other fluids. They are tolerating the milk in their tummies just fine. They are adding weight and we hope will continue to grow and do better every day.

They were both born at 17" long. One was 3 lbs 3 oz at birth and the other was 3 lbs 5 oz at birth. They were officially at 29 weeks and 3 days. We've got a lot of growing and developing to do, but will take each day at a time until it is time to go home. We don’t have names picked out just yet, but have narrowed the list quit a lot and should have their names picked out this week. For now, we still just call them Wiggles and Pip.

The neonatologist doctors at the hospital tell us they are doing great, the nurses too. Docs said to estimate that they will go home around their due date, this should be mid-June. Keep us in your good thoughts and prayers. Thank you for checking on me. I would get a few updates on my phone, but had no easy way to communicate in the hospital. Here are a couple of photos and video. My little girls have sweet faces, adorable expressions, and big blue eyes.

Baby A – aka “Wiggles” she looks just like her Daddy’s baby photos. She has his nose.

Baby B – aka “Pip” looks like her Mommy’s baby photos. She has my nose (poor kid)

Some times I just pour tears of relief and joy when I watch them. Like sunshine through the clouds on a stormy day, they swell my heart until I feel I may burst with overwhelming love. The universe has so much in store, we never know how our lives unfold, but today I thank the universe for my sweetie love girls and my wonderful MrBeep.

28w3d - Good golly growing babies Batman!

2010-04-05T23:57:00.000-07:00

Thank you all for checking on me. I am out of my routine (with my babysitters hovering) and am trying to set aside time for writing and reading and commenting. Also, I’ve been lying low for the last week or so. Skulking around and just relaxing, trying to make it to 28 weeks and I did it. I’m so happy about that. Getting through the goals you set in your mind gives such a great sense of forward momentum, that you are doing something right (even if that thing is just laying on a bed, being a lame lazyass).

My first goal was 12 weeks (I’m sure many have been there or are getting there). It went by slowly then quickly. Strange bursts of time that surprise you when viewing a calendar, then sometimes days that seem to go on forever. The next goal was 16 weeks, just because it was another month down and I could get amnio and results to help set my mind at ease. I was so fortunate to finally get good results and know that I’ve got two little grrl monsters baking away. I made my next mental goal to be 20 weeks. I had a tough and frightening time of that with the emergency cerclage, but in the end realized just how fortunate I was to have it caught just in the nick of time. The next mental goal of 24 weeks was really tough and scary. There were hospital visits and bleeding and so much time spent alone with my nightmarish thoughts. That was the worse of it all, but I got through it. It’s interesting because we all have that “24 weeks = viability” idea stuck in our heads.

DrGav once told me at 23w while I was leaving the hospital, “Traci, we have a way to go, you need to rest, be a princess on the couch. It’s against my DNA to deliver babies before 28 weeks.” My ObDoc pretty much echoed the same thing. 28 weeks was their mental goal for a minimum time for babies, not 24. I understood why they would know this so much better than me. They’ve seen the difference. I made 28 weeks my next firm goal. We got my rotating shift of babysitters and I have kept very strict to my bedrest. Last week I saw DrGav at 27w6d for an office visit, he came to my exam room dressed in scrubs, he seemed very concerned and a little grim. He let me know that I was doing fine, the cerclage was holding and the babies were looking good, although their amniotic fluid was still a little high. He told me what medicine to take to help and then he said, “OK Traci. Congratulations on making it to 28 weeks. You’re doing a great job, please keep up the good work. I’ve got to go now, wish me luck. I have to run off to deliver a baby that is only at 25 weeks.” My heart dropped into an abyss for that woman. I looked at DrGav and could tell he was genuinely sad and worried. I gave him a hug and wished him luck. He accepted the hug and squeezed my hands and he was off.

Hitting the 28 week mark has taken a great burden of despair and worry from my mind. Also much of my physical pain and crampiness has been gone for a couple of weeks. Finally another bit of encouraging news came today at my growth ultrasound. The babies measured 3 lbs 5oz and 3 lbs 6 oz. They are in the 90th percentile for growth and while some of this may be due to my gestational diabetes, a lot is also from sticking to the high protein twins diet the clinic has me on. I am still a little underweight (at 28 weeks, I have only gained about 20 lbs) but DrGav said not to worry abou6t this because the high protein and the babies size is more important than just weight gain. We also were able to see and measure the grrls practicing breathing. Each one gets the hiccups from time to time. These are all good indicators of their progress and pushes me to believe that soon this will be over and I’ll have a crazy time keeping up with crying and feeding and nappies and cuddles.

I have made my next goal 31 weeks (3 weeks away instead of 4), then 34w (DrGav’s next goal) and finally 37w (aka “full term”). I’ll take any, but I hope for all. Sending out much love to all of you watching clocks and calendars. I love to cheer when we reach milestones. WOOOOOOOOOT!

I ♥ My Superior Geek Skillz

2010-03-27T17:25:00.001-07:00

I’m back!!! I actually sat on my couch with my tea service tray on my lap, my computer repair toolbox next to me and took apart my laptop. I suspected that the water spill totally killed my trackpad and caused the problem where I couldn’t boot up any more. The BIOS had no option to disable the trackpad via that method, so I wanted to try to manually disconnect the flex circuit from the motherboard and try that. I figured, “Hey, I’ve got nothing to lose at this point.”

I would have just bought another laptop at any other time (my current one is about 6 years old), but I wanted to “get my geek on” and I have a really specific laptop in mind to replace this old one. It will have the next leap in CPU technology with a quad-core processor (instead of the current dual-core). This will allow me to do both digital photography and advanced video and editing with my laptop. I can only do this on my big horking desktop right now. I spilled the water on this laptop in early March and the next gen laptop is rumored to come out in April or May 2010.

Getting to the trackpad connection was a total bitch. I had to remove all screws (except for those that hold the screen together), disconnect the screen from the motherboard and chassis, remove all peripherals (optical drive, RAM, hard drive, and wifi card), remove all plastic covers, doors, disconnect and reroute all internal wires and cables. Luckily I had another laptop with a schematic of the internals nearby. I took a good forty minutes to get the danged thing apart when finally I disconnected the flex cable leading from the trackpad to the motherboard. *WHEW*

Next it took another forty minutes to get the blasted thing put together again. I left a few panels off, didn’t finish tightening all the screws (a computer nerd’s Hail Mary trick), plugged it in and hit the exposed ON button at the top of the circuit board

THE LAPTOP BOOTED RIGHT UP! I logged in to my account, got on the network, checked a few pages on the internet, then shut down. YAY!!!! I finished assembling all the final pieces, had MrBeep get a trackball mouse from the other room and voila, I am back in the virtual world. Now I can check DrGoogle all I want, watch my netflix stuff, get a little facebook amusement, play games, and most importantly, post and keep up with the ALI community. Me = Happycamper.

I talked to the grrrl monsters all the way through the process. There were kicking around and jostling the tea tray with the parts in response. I will absolutely teach them how to troubleshoot and repair computers when they grow up. Girl Geeks Unite!

26 - A hard won week

2010-03-23T22:36:00.000-07:00

I had a rough week. Thanks to everyone who kindly checked on me. Thursday morning started off with another big bleeding episode and contractons that sent me back to Labor and Delivery. I was checked on my by ObDoc and DrGav. The babies heartbeats were good, they were wiggling and jiggling about with all of the excitement and whatnot going on outside. It was decided after consulting ultrasound that the placenta previa was definiately still around and between its moving and bleeding another big clot had formed. When enough backed up, my uterus contracted hard to expel this unwanted material. I had felt achy and had a minor amount of spotting the two days before, so now I know what to look for if it happens again. This is possible as there are new clots that form and I still spot and the previa isn't gone.

Did I mention how much this sucks?

I was admitted to the hospital for observation and to receive steriod shots for the babies' lungs. We were at a critical stage, 25w6d so no one wanted to take any chances. The shots were administered and my bleeding mostly disappeared within the day. I only live 2.4 miles from my hospital, so we all decided I would be fine resting and recovering at home.

My laptop has not yet been recovered, I may not be able to fix it. This setback takes away a huge amount of my coping skills. I can't reach out to the ALI community easily (I have been able to keep up a little on my cell phone's web browser), I can't play computer games to pass the time, I can't research baby items or medical things, I can't use netflix watch instantly. I've been reading a little and doing puzzles to occupy my mind and pass the time. I watch minutes and hours and days tick by. My next big goal is 28 weeks, only 10 days to go on my countdown.

Since we know how important the next couple of months are, we decided that I needed someone with me. My MIL and FIL have stepped up for babysitting me on Mon/Wed/Fri, my friend Mike is being paid for babysitting me on Tues/Thursday. MrBeep takes care of me in the mornings, evenings and weekends. I am so lucky to have all this support. I really appreciate everyone' s care and help. Having the company of others during the day is also so very wonderful after so many months of being relatively isolated. The last few days have flown by.

I had my checkups at the ObDoc and MFM today. Everything is looking about the same, holding steady. The babies are looking bigger, but I won't get new measurements for a few more weeks. I got a couple of really great 3D images of their faces today that made my heart melt. Another thing that really helped me make it through this hell week was when I was lying on my side one day with my hand on the edge of my belly near my hip. I felt Wiggles (Baby A) raise her hand and drag it along my hand. The touch was so distinct and delicate. It just melted my heart. So many of the things they do now, what sounds they react to, make me just want so very much to get to know them.

And now for things that made me happy this week. Getting to week 26! Also I am overjoyed at mekate's great ultrasound and heartbeat at 8 weeks, MrsG has gotten a BFP and is working on a halfling of her very own, Sprogblogger has reached the 2nd trimester, Mo has had an excellent number of blasts to test, K at Invitro Veritas has made it to 28+ weeks and is describing her current situation as "boring", Sunny has made it through more than 10 weeks of bedrest and is up and about at more than 36 weeks with her twin boys, and finally Kate at Impatiently Waiting had her gorgeous little girl.

Whoopsie x 3

2010-03-16T12:39:00.000-07:00

#1 - I fell sleep on the couch yesterday and woke up startled when the phone rang. I knocked over an entire 16 oz glass of water onto my laptop. The keyboard and trackpad aren't working so far. I'll give it another couple of days to dry out. I won't be able to comment on blogs, but I may be able to read them via my palm pre. (I am writing this on my phone.)

#2 - I shouldn't have posted so soon about no spotting or cramps because it came back on Monday. I feel much better today but am once again on the couch resting for most of the day.

#3 - Flunked my diabetes test, so now I have GD. I'm pretty pissed off about it, but given the fact that I have a family history of Type 2 on both sides of the family AND I have twins (2 placentas = twice the hormones) I am not surprised.

Sorry I won't be able to keep up on commenting for a while. Hope I have hit my whoopsie limit for the week. ;-)

This week’s things that made me happy

2010-03-14T23:23:00.000-07:00

Today is 25w2d. Getting to 25 weeks makes me happy, another week down, only 13 more to go.

I get to feel both grrl monsters squirming around every day, sometimes they react to sounds. I find that really neat. They have kicked MrBeep in the back a few times when we lay down for bedtime. We both giggle at this.

I have been able to run a few errands this week without pain, cramping or bleeding.

I played games with my friends on Friday.

I’m happy to know that Lisa at Meinsideout is cuddling her little ones, Sunny has made it to 35 weeks, K at Waiting for Sunflower made 32 weeks and is buying goodies for baby, Kate at Impatiently Waiting has good reason to be impatient at 41w2d, Mo had a great retrieval with many embryos going strong, Rotten and JJ get to have fun at a birthday party. Whew! A good week.

I received my fabulous new socks from the 2010 Sock It To Me! I will do a full post later this week with pictures too.

I got to take my MIL and FIL to my 24 week growth ultrasound. They were ecstatic. MrBeep is an only child, these will be their only shot at grandkids. The excitement and love is really fun to be around.

The 24 growth scan went great, and here are a few pics to round of the end of a week of things that made me happy.

The belly view at 25 weeks.

Baby A (Wiggles) and Baby B (Pip)

I also got the very first opportunity for the 3D scan to work while their hands weren’t obscuring their faces. Seeing these images really surprised me. It just made me so happy.

Baby A (Wiggles) and Baby B (Pip)

You’re doing good my little grrl monsters. Happy and squirmy and bouncy and warm. Stay in safe and sound for as long as you can. Grow and grow. Mommy hopes to see you both in 3 months.

I’m sending good thoughts and wishes to mekate for her scan tomorrow and Sprogblogger for her checkup too. Also giving a gentle hug to One Who Understands who has OHSS but is on the mend. Now it’s time to go off to bed and meditate on good things, keeping my heart in a place of joy and peace.

Checkups and Ultrasounds and Migrations

2010-03-10T22:14:00.001-08:00

I went to my ObDoc appointment, the Grrl Monster’s heartbeats sounded good, the ginormous belly is measuring well, blood pressure staying steady. The swab showed I have a minor infection starting, so I have been put on antibiotics, this was expected since I had been bleeding in the last week and both of my docs called blood “an excellent culture medium” for bacteria. I have finally gained some weight. WOOT! I hadn’t gained anything in the past 5 weeks, despite eating good food pretty much all day long. I am finally up 15 lbs (I don’t count the pre-pregnancy 2xIVF meds additional 10 lbs). Now, I’m not some frail petite little thing, so I have plenty of “maternal stores” if needed. I did the gestational diabetes (GD) test where you drink the kool-aid stuff and then they draw your blood an hour later to see if you seem to have GD. I haven’t received any results yet, but hope to find out more by the end of the week. I’ve heard and read the whiney horror stories of people who do this test and you know what? The kool-aid type extremely sugary beverage they make you drink is no big deal (I opted for “fruit punch” flavor). Is it really sweet? Yes. Is it too sweet? Yes. Would you buy this as a favorite beverage in a convenience store? No. Is it something worth making a big deal about? Eh…no. So if you have this test coming up, drink up, shudder a bit and say “Wow. That drink sucks.” and then move on with your day/life. All I hope is that I don’t have GD and can skip having yet another “high risk” moniker on my chart thankyouverymuch.

After my ObDoc appointment, I went over the the MFM for my 24 week growth ultrasound. I want to write more about this and post some pics, so the quick and short news is that everyone is OK. I’m fine, the grrls are fine and growing really good 1lb 12 oz and 1lb 14 oz (in the 74th and 80th percentile). Cerclage is holding really well, and now for the biggest news…

THE PLACENTA PREVIA HAS MOVED OFF THE CERVIX ENTIRELY!!!!

A lot of the achiness I have been feeling down low for several months has disappeared. I had those last two big bleeding episodes and haven’t had anything but a bit of brown spotting since. The ultrasound showed another blood clot above the internal cervical os, but hopefully once that is gone the bleeding episodes will be too.

I’m getting so excited for those who are so close to meeting their little ones. Kate at Impatiently Waiting and Lisa at Meinsideout. It’s so amazing to know that the end is in sight and they’ll meet their heart’s desire soon. Wishing you both all the best for a safe and happy delivery.

Countoff Days 3, 2, 1 – Previa Problems

2010-03-05T09:42:00.001-08:00

To be totally honest, I had an episode of bleeding over the weekend that DrGav told me to expect. After the ultrasound in the hospital, they found a pocket of blood and clots just behind my internal os. His opinion is this is due to my placenta previa moving. After his diagnosis and letting me know it would happen, about 8 hours later I bled red with clots and then brown spotting and then after a day it stopped. “OK” I thought, “Good riddance, now I’m done with it.” They are now classifying this now as a partial previa. I guess if I am lucky it may move entirely away from my cervix and all bleeding will stop.

Day 3 was uneventful really. I just relaxed, watched some TV and did a little writing. So boring, that I decided to combine it with another day, but that ended up being complicated.

On Day 2 the morning and afternoon were a little dull. I put myself on a fairly strict bed rest because I had my 2nd class for the Labor and Birth Preparation Multiples in the evening. I went to the class, it included a little more of the same lame DVD, but it did cover a few things I found somewhat useful in talking about hospital intervention and pain medication policy. Instead of the 2.5 hours it took, I could have just read it in a FAQ and asked about 2 questions, but that’s just me. I was uncomfortable and eventually tired and cranky. I just wanted to go home. A few hours after I got home, I started to feel crampy and even had a couple of strong contractions. I went to bed, laying on my left side and drank a couple of glasses of water. Every hour after midnight I would have a couple of contractions, not enough to go to the hospital, but enough to concern us. I could feel both babies squirming away, with the one on the bottom really having an acrobatic circus in there. Finally at 4:30 am I had some bleeding, it was same as the weekend and after that and since all contractions have gone away.

I called my ObDoc first thing in the morning on Day 1, they got in touch with DrGav’s office and I was in for an ultrasound in the early afternoon. The ultrasound confirmed both babies seemed to be doing fine, had nice strong heartbeats. Placentas seemed fine too and the lower one was moving some more. A new clot and amount of blood was sitting behind the cerclage stitch (it was still holding strong) but it does make an environment where blood can pool and then clot. If there is enough to irritate the uterus, that is what cause the contractions. I am back on medication to prevent contractions and hopefully this bleeding will stop soon. DrGav will see me again on Tuesday and said that if he sees any more bleeding that makes him concerned, he will check me into the hospital just in case. He congratulated me for getting to week 24, but reminded me that these next few weeks are critical for the babies.

I didn’t want to just write about doom and gloom and worry. I didn’t want to keep my mind in that place, so I just skipped blogging and reading. I found that this doesn’t really work. I miss giving and getting support. I’m glad I finished my first important countdown. I am happy I have made it at least to week 24, but the worry will continue to be with me for many weeks to come. I will take things extra extra super easy. I put myself on modified bedrest, I stay on the couch all day until MrBeep gets home. I am alone most all of my waking hours and I am so lonely sometimes. It’s hard not to dwell on fear and problems and worry. I try to keep positive and optimistic. I talk to the grrl monsters when they are wiggling around, I let them know how hard I am trying to keep them safe. Now only 14 more weeks to go. ;-) As the universe continues to spin and time ticks forward, I will see each day as a blessing, each week as a triumph.

Countoff Day 4 – Labor & Birth Multiples Class

2010-03-01T23:50:00.000-08:00

Most of my Day 4 was spent going through some film logging business with the movie I had been working on back in Oct. and Nov. I was a bit frustrated with communication problems and technical difficulties but I guess it’s a good thing because many hours zoomed past. I also took care of some bill and insurance stuff, not exciting, but strangely enough I liked marking a few things off my to do list for the day. All of this was easily done from a reclining position, I promised myself that I would take things extremely easy and am doing OK so far. I’m feeling great, babies seem to be happily jostling around.

I saved a lot of energy because this evening was our first class offered by the hospital. It’s official name “Labor and Birth Preparation – Multiples”. It’s a two hour class held on 3 days – Monday (3/1), Wednesday (3/3) and Monday (3/8). Did I find the class useful…eh…not so far. Seems like if they require you to be at least 5-6 months along, its a waste of time to explain to us what twins are, fraternal vs. identical, etc. Honestly this is the “basics” class, so I will be a bit more patient. The next class should cover more specific stuff about this hospital’s rules on pain medication, intervention, etc. They showed a bit of a lame DVD and the documentarian side of my brain kept going over about a thousand different ways I could have made the video more useful. I opted out of “floor exercises” which consisted of laying on your side and breathing slowly for 5 minutes. I will note that they had the least comfortable chairs in the world to sit in and my preggo ass was turning quite numb despite having to move and slide and jostle for any position that would seem OK for more than 10 minutes.

I look forward tomorrow to catching up on blogs, until then I feel a stranger in a strange land.

Countoff Day 6 & 5 – Screaming Days

2010-02-28T23:46:00.000-08:00

Day 6 anecdote: Officially, day 6 started with my nurse giving me IV antibiotics at around 1:00 am. She was a really nice lady and we chatted for a while until it was time for the medicine and bags to be removed. It took me another hour or so to finally drift off to sleep, around 2:00 am. I awoke suddenly out of a deep sleep by the sound of a woman yelling the most horrible gut wrenching scream I have ever heard in my entire life. No kidding. NO. I mean really. The stuff in the best horror movie was a mere squeak compared to this sound. It lasted for about 30 very long seconds. Since I had been awaken from a deep REM sleep, I was immediately disoriented and confused. I didn’t realize where I was (Oh yeah, I’m still in the hospital), what was going on, why was a woman screaming and then I remembered that I AM in the Labor and Delivery section of the hospital. The grrl monsters were also woken by the scream and started squirming around, kinda like “Holy shit Mom, what was THAT?!?” About 5 minutes after I heard the scream, I heard the sound of a cheap $5 china town gong. I lay there in the dark hospital room and was genuinely happy for her. It took another hour or so to get back to sleep. My nerves were a bit frazzled, the babies took a while to settle down and honestly it is hard to ignore the impulse to go to the aid of someone who just yelled like that. The idea of a c-section suddenly didn’t seem so bad after all. I mean I know that they hurt for a longer amount of time, but I doubt I’d be making any scream like THAT.

Day 5 was mostly a day to catch up on sleep, snuggle up with MrBeep and take it easy at home. We did spend many great hours watching the 2010 Olympics Canada vs. USA hockey gold medal finals game. MrBeep was a hockey player in college and post-grad (go mighty beavers). We enjoy watching games. We invited his Dad to come over and we all had a blast. When the US finally made their first goal we all screamed “YEAH!” and twin B "aka “Pip” started to squirm along. When the second goal with 24 seconds left in the game happened, there were more screams of excitement. The Canadian team did a fabulous job and honestly played a superior game, well deserving of a gold medal. It’s cool that they also did it at their home country Olympic games. Congrats to all my Canadian buddies! Oh and remember my Photo challenge pic?

As a tribute to the truly awesome 2010 Olympics held in one of my favorite cities, Vancouver BC Canada. It is actually a macro lens photo of my night light, a gorgeous bronzed maple leaf.

A last big scream for day 5 gone and for my bloggidy pals from up north. WWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CANADA ROCKS!

Countoff Day 6 - Released from Hospital AOK

2010-02-27T10:14:00.000-08:00

Day 6 isn't done yet, but I wanted to post an update. We took a look at the grrl monsters via ultrasound and both babies and sacs are perfectly normal. Both have plenty of fluid, I haven't had any other bad spells since Thursday night. DrGav did the ultrasound and saw a blood clot behind the internal os of the cervix. He thinks this may have caused the bleeding and watery leakage because some clots as they are compressed can express excess water and plasma. I know, eww gross TMI. Also the previa is still moving and created a pocket for that clot and liquid to pool. Hopefully it will be gone soon (damned pesky thing). DrGav did emphasize that the next 5 weeks are really critical for the babies, so I will take it VERY EASY. MrBeep is a happy grinning little sweetie. I am overjoyed.

More on day 6 later. :-)

Countoff Day 8 & 7 – In the hospital

2010-02-26T23:34:00.000-08:00

Day 8: Well, I was really excited about Day 8 and was going to write all about it. The weather was gorgeous in Seattle, I had a friend call and invite me out for lunch. She drove and we had a great time, nice conversation and excellent fried calamari with a site of hummus and pita bread. We came home and I relaxed laying on the couch for a couple of hours. I was invited out to dinner at a local pub with 6 friends and since I was feeling fine and given the green light by the docs I went along.

Bad move.

I ate, laughed, and generally felt fine. I will say that the wooden chair I was sitting on was uncomfortable after a while. I got up after about an hour to use the bathroom and there it was…pink on the TP. Dangit. No problem, I thought, I’ll just call it an evening. Dinner was over we were all just hanging around and chatting anyway.

So I got my hugs, excused myself and drove the 2 miles home. No big deal. When I got in the door, I felt a wetness and headed straight to the bathroom. More pink, now redder and things were…wet. Too wet, Not a lot, not a gush, but something very unusual. I went straight to bed, lay down on my left side and called my ObDoc’s office. My doc was on call, I explained what was going on. I let her know that I didn’t feel any more wetness since the initial event but needed advice. She told me to get myself to labor and delivery. MrBeep came home about 20 minutes later and off to the hospital we went. I could feel my little sweetie monsters squirming around, we got their heartbeats so I knew that for now they were doing fine. My ObDoc was the one to take care of my examination, take a sample and check the slide. She couldn’t find any conclusive evidence in the sample that there was any amniotic fluid leakage, but she didn’t like the description of the event or how much blood and moisture she saw. I was monitored for contractions all night and only had one or two after the pelvic. I was admitted for getting IV anitbiotics and monitoring. MrBeep stayed with me the whole time, took care of my every need. He held my hand, kissed my forehead and helped me make it through the night. I was so scared that a membrane had ruptured, but there was no evidence of any other leakage. Both my ObDoc and the L&D nurses said that this was a very good sign.

Day 7: MrBeep slept in the little bed next to me in a labor and delivery suite. Today I’ve had no additional leakage or watery bizarreness. I’ve had no contractions all day. I had barely any spotting. I’ve received doses of IV antibiotics (just in case) and was supposed to get an ultrasound to check the fluid levels of the babies to see if that would show any evidence of leakage. Unfortunately, there was some mix up and I will get that scan tomorrow. I talked with the TopDoc from my MFM clinic. He apologized for the ultrasound mix up but suggested another day for observation and antibiotics was pretty standard given the fact that I am only at 23 weeks. He did say that he felt very good that there was no other episodes after the first report, that the sample slide didn’t show anything to indicate amniotic fluid and he felt it would be extraordinarily unusual to rupture a membrane behind a cerclage that was looking good the day before. After speaking with him, I felt about a thousand percent better. This entire episode may just be another bizarre result of the previa. Everyone (ObDoc, TopDoc, L&D nurses, MrBeep) has told me that this unusual thing was not my fault and that I didn’t do anything wrong to cause it, but man…it is very hard to let go of that guilt and worry.

I will be seen on Saturday (day 6) by DrGav who will take a look with ultrasound see if everything is looking good. If so, then I will be discharged from hospital. MrBeep needed my computer for work, so I was unable to read or update. He put several hours of the Olympics we recorded on Tivo to DVD, so we watched them together. I will try to catch up and update tomorrow. The most important thing is the babies are fine, I am fine. A couple of more days down and more lessons learned the hard way.

Countoff Day 9 –Dr Appts & Photo Challenge

2010-02-24T23:42:00.001-08:00

Good news! I went to both DrGav and my ObDoc today. First the Peri/MFM appointment: The cervix check shows all is looking great, staying a steady 3.5 cm and the cerclage is still looking good. Both grrl monsters had good heart rates and bloodflow. I have been taken off my medication and don’t need to come back for 2 weeks (where I will get my 24 week growth ultrasound). His take on my Friday achiness and spotting is that it is nothing to be worried about. Then I went to my ObDoc for a routine check. Blood pressure, pee in a cup, weight check , and doppler. Wiggles kicked the doppler when the nurse was trying to get a reading. We both laughed. My awesome ObDoc arrived all smiles. I got an internal pelvic exam **YOWCH!** where she proclaimed things seemed long and were holding well. When I told her about my Friday scare she was a little more concerned. She told me if I begin to feel uncomfortable to lay down on my left side, drink some water and take things easy. If things don’t seem to get better after an hour to call them. She said that the next 7 weeks were really critical and she’d rather know that I am resting easily at home with some liberties rather than being a “long term guest” at the hospital. I completely agree. All in all very good results, maybe I spooked myself a bit, but I’d rather be cautious than sorry. It is just another thing that will really help me make it through the rest of my countdown.

And now for something completely different…I had an idea for this week’s Photo Challenge, so I pulled out my fab macro lens.

Photo Challenge this week's theme: WHAT IS IT?

Take a guess about what this photograph is. To see a larger version, click on the pic. My only hint is that it is more than what you think at first glance. I'll post the answer Friday with the other folks who took the challenge. I’m horrible at guessing but found it a fun little inspiration for photography. Rotten – why aren’t you getting into the challenge! C’mon!

(The Photo Challenge aims to allow creative ways to explore a weekly theme through photography). The Weekly Photo Challenge is brought to you by The Steadfast Warrior (aka Lindsay) who also gave me this advice for dealing with my fears:

The reality is, you've got a lot going on and it's okay to be scared, hell if you weren't terrified a little, I'd think you were in denial. The only advice I have is to take solace in the movements and the special moments that come up.

She also said a little extra to warm my heart and offered a present to dry my eyes:

You are a lovely and strong woman. You and the Monsters WILL be okay. I can keep repeating it if you like? ;) (HUGS) to you, since sometimes that is what we need the most. I've left a little present for you at my blog…

Her gift was an absolutely stunning photograph taken from her balcony in beautiful Vancouver, BC. You have to go over and see it. I saved it as my desktop wallpaper for this 10 day countdown. Every time my computer boots up I see it and smile. Lindsay has a little girl, born just a little while ago, she is taking things one day at a time and writes with such honesty that I feel truly privileged to read and support her. Thanks so much Lindsay.

I ended my Day 9 with “Weekly Series Night” – a special evening MrBeep and I spend with friends watching though a TV series together. We finished watching The Venture Brothers – Season 3. It was also really fun to have some company, laugh and joke around. I love counting off a great day.

Countoff Day 10 - Superawesomethanksalot

2010-02-23T23:54:00.001-08:00

I wanted to thank you all so very much for all of the wonderful support and advice I received from my prior post, “Overwhelming Fear.” I don’t like it that many of you also have had to cope with this awful consuming fear, but I was glad to know that I am not alone and for many of you who had problems during your 2nd trimester that you are just a few days or weeks away from meeting your sons and daughters very close or at full term. It gives me so much hope to know that you’ve made it so far despite the bedrest and irritable uterus mayhem and uncooperative cervixes.

When I hit last Friday and had a bad day, it really struck me as so hard and unfair and well…you read about it. Because of my two surgeries to remove the big fibroid, carrying to term has been something in the back of my mind that has always made me extra nervous. I’ve had a half-dozen awesome OB/GYNs assure me that it’s no big deal, the surgery was a great success and everything looks really good, but still…I get scared and doubt fills me until it all bubbles over into a freakout. Then I am a little better afterward. I am feeling better because of the rest I took and because of the encouragement and support I received from you all and my best friend MrBeep.

After my emergency cerclage at 18 weeks I had made a countdown ticker on my igoogle home page. Setting the goal date to my due date was just too far away, so I set the countdown for 24 weeks. My new big goal, make it to viability and then set a new goal. It is much easier to take in manageable chunks. Today my ticker said “10 days until viability,” I’ve decided to do 10 posts in 10 days to help me get through it. I’m taking all of your excellent advice along the way. I promise to give you props when your special countdown advice day hits. ;-)

Today I wanted spotlight K at Waiting for Sunflower who wrote this advice:

“How do I cope? I literally tell myself one day at a time. I have a lilypie counter and each day that passes is a victory. It's a countdown to the end of the week. I cannot look at the end, I look at it in weekly increments.”

Also Sunny in Seattle, who is holding in there with much stricter bedrest demands than whiney ole me said:

Milestones are nice, but I also try to appreciate every day for what it is. I know you aren't quite at viability yet, but when you get there, every day you stay pregnant is worth TWO days less in the NICU. My boys…are strong, they are fighters, and we ARE all going to get through this.

Hitting Day 10 inspired me to take the advice about and really focus on each good day at a time. I spent resting for most of the day. I re-read all of your excellent comments on my post aloud to the grrl monsters, we are all touched and I cried a few tears of appreciation, they wiggled their approval. I’ve been watching the series Ballykissangel on Netflix Watch Instantly and have finished Season 1. Today I started Season 2. I ordered some things online to help with organization that I can do while on the couch (Yay nesting fantasies!). I finished off some web design work that made me some extra dough. I made my meals, washed the dishes (well, put them in the dishwasher), played gems swap II on face.book, planned a girls movie night at my house for some time in the next couple of weeks. I’ve got to say that Day 10 went well. Keeping busy but not physically overdoing anything really helped my day.

I get to go to two separate doctors appointments tomorrow, one with my Perinatologist, DrGav for a cervix check and amniotic fluid update, then straight off to my ObDoc for a routine checkup. I’ll talk to them about my bad day on Friday. I hope to get some good news to set my mind at ease. Already I am looking forward to Day 9. Stay tuned…

Overwhelming Fear

2010-02-20T20:55:00.001-08:00

I haven’t written much lately, although I have tried to keep up with reading and commenting on blogs. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around the emotions I have swimming in my soul. The truth is that I am all at once overjoyed and terrified. My hopes soar and then they are dragged down by the weight of my fears. I daydream of holding my sweet little girls next to my skin, kissing their heads and fingers and bellies and toes…then the worry and doubt, like nightmares, start to consume me.

It has all become so much worse since sometime in week 20. I think it is because of a many reasons. The main one is that I can feel my grrl monsters pushing and kicking and wiggling many times throughout the day. Gone are the little flutters that I question are real. MrBeep has even been able to feel them kick when his hand is on my belly. Feeling these little beings gives me such great elation and hope. They are so much more real to me now than they had ever been before. Not just images on a screen or results of a test or fantasies of children to be. Now I feel their presence, they are tangible in a new way that my heart cannot describe. The thought of losing it all fills me with dread.

I know I should “just relax” and that most women will end up having healthy babies. I know that my weekly checkups have been encouraging. The babies are growing well, the stitch seems to be doing it’s job. I begin to breathe. I begin to let hope ease my worried mind. Then I read from the LFCA, or other wonderful bloggers who ask for words of support and sympathy for others who lose their little ones. All at once I crash back to the land of nightmares and I don’t know how to escape. I know many of you have/had these fears, how do/did you cope?

Yesterday I think I overdid it a bit. Sat in a chair for too long, did a few extra chores and by the evening I was feeling a new kind of achiness in my lower abdomen. Just before bedtime I had the smallest tinge of pink on the TP. I was so afraid as I went to sleep that something was wrong and all would be lost. I have now had a very full night’s sleep. I have put myself back on strict bedrest, just laying on the couch or in bed with only bathroom breaks. I have had no other achy feelings or pink since last night. I have felt each little grrl monster wiggle and thrash and kick. My achiness could have just been ligament pains, it could have been from the previa moving (it has been moving and may clear completely). I just don’t know. I actually feel fine…and sometimes that’s a problem too. Every time I had complications, there was no warning. Feeling fine and then all at once, the big bleed or the cervix almost fails. My problems seem to come out of the blue and that deals a lot of anxiety that fuels these overwhelming fears…and I don’t know how to conquer them. Only time can help, but it drags and lags and taunts me.

Today I am 22w1d. At 22 weeks if something terrible goes wrong, my baby girls will not be saved. It is too early for any hope. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and lay in the dark. I watch the clock, my mind racing. I feel I am so close but so far away. 2 weeks to viability, 8 weeks to likely survival, 16 weeks to “full term” and these are indeed markers to celebrate. The numbers as weeks look so small, but as hours in the dark of night they stretch to what feels like infinity – 312, 1,344, 2,688 hours. I have been so fearful and sad today. I have cried so much. I feel defective. I feel weak because of my worry. MrBeep has been an incredible comfort, he soothes my soul. I am lucky to know and love him. I know that I will come out of this eventually, I will build myself back again…but in the meantime…my friends, can you help? Any advice?

UPDATE: OK my friends, I have just read mekate’s post and am again overwhelmed. I won’t give anything away, but please please go read and send her love.

2 Monster Scoops – The Big Reveal

2010-02-10T23:46:00.000-08:00

It has taken sooooooooo long to get all of the results from amnio, but I’ll explain about that later. The most important thing is that they are both healthy with no known issues. I can’t express how relieved I am, how much of a heavy weight has held my heart down. Now my heart is light and full of joy.

So now the Big Reveal…I posted a poll to see if you could guess the gender of the monsters.

The poll question was:
What flavor are the monsters?

A:   Strawberry (2 girls)
B:   Boysenberry (2 boys)
C:   A scoop of each (1 boy, 1 girl)

Did you guess correctly?
Can you tell from the photo?
Give up yet?

Yes, that my friends is two scoops of STRAWBERRY ice cream. We are pregnant with two little girls, or as I call them “Grrrl Monsters”.

We had a great appointment at the MFM for my 20 week ultrasound. They are measuring in the 70th percentile, way up from a month ago’s 40th percentile. Their weight is estimated at 14 ounces. Here are the latest ultrasound pics

For more good news, I have been taken off of bed rest! The cervix is looking good and closed at about 3.1 cm. The previa continues to migrate away from the cervix but we aren’t done yet. I’ve had no cramping or bleeding or complications. I am still advised to take it easy, but at least I can sit up, use a chair, cook dinner, run a couple of errands if I need to. DrGav told me to use good judgment and try to stay off my feet as much as possible. I go back again for another quick check in a week and then I may get to every other week afterwards.

mekate asked if there were going to be any belly shots. I have decided to post, but I have to say that I am normally apple shaped and big breasted too. As an added bonus these two have surely blossomed that into a OMG I’M HUGE! situation.

Twin B “Pip” is currently laying sideways across the top and is and making the belly extra huge. I am happy about this, but was a little shocked when I saw the photo myself. :-)

I’m just so happy right now because there is really a lot of great news this week with many of my bloggidy friends.

Oh, and the strawberry ice cream?

The best I have ever ate.

OXXO to you all – Traci aka “IF Optimist”.

Photo Challenge #2: Variety

2010-02-07T10:32:00.001-08:00

He he. Was able to sneak downstairs for about 10 minutes to grab a photo from the big computer for this week’s challenge. This is my favorite fish store at Pike Place Market in Seattle, Pure Food Fish Market. The seafood is all so fresh, it smells like the briny sea and all eyes that watch you are bright and clear. When I want the best in variety and quality to make Ciopinno, I head here. If you are ever visiting in Seattle, they can prep some fish covered in ice in a leak-proof cooler to take home on the plane. Oh, I can’t wait until Sockeye Salmon is back fresh in season. Mmmmmmmmmmm.

The Pure Food Fish Market in Seattle, WA, USA

To see the picture in greater detail, just click on the photo. I love that our pal Lindsay, the Steadfast Warrior set up the weekly photo challenge. Being stuck on the couch for now, it will be tough to get new shots (depending on the theme), but I can go and dig through my archives and this makes me very happy indeed. Now head on over and check out the other fab photos that are being shared.

A wholly different kind of nesting

2010-02-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

First off, my first doctor’s visit after the cerclage update: Everything looks good. Cervix is stitched closed and this has created a measurement of about 2.8 cm. DrGav thinks that it should stay that way given where he placed the stitch (good and high). No new discomforts, no new bleeding, no new cramping. In fact, I feel absolutely fine. I let DrGav know that I was very good and stayed almost entirely prone on my back or on my side for the entire week. He said that was excellent, he was pleased at how well my post-surgical recovery is going. He recommended that I do the same thing for another week to continue to help in the healing process. He hinted that after a few weeks of doing the same, I may be able to get off bed rest.

Each morning starts as I:

Get out of bed
Have a pee
Brush my teeth
Get dressed

Then I:

Grab my ipod
Laptop
Current book(s) I am reading
Puzzle book, pen and pencils

Afterwards I:

Gently head downstairs (yes I’m allowed)
Climb on the couch
Arrange pillows and blankets on said couch for maximum comfort options
MrBeep brings me breakfast, water, Tivo remote, cordless phone, cell phone
He gives me a smootch once I am settled, then he is off to work for the day

My “couch nesting” day has begun. I call the couch and it’s surroundings “My Nest” because that is what I have made it over the last week. I am not a very good bed rest patient. I hate being idle for hours and days at a time. So I build up a nest of shiny bits, plenty of things to keep me busy and my mind active, but it’s not what I WANT to be doing right now. I WANT to be cleaning out my pantry. I WANT to be getting rid of the excess books in my library. I WANT to be editing video on my big computer downstairs. I WANT to be cleaning out my closets of excess junk. However, if I am a very good girl, I may be lucky enough to only have to do this for a few more weeks and then I can get to a few of the other things in due time. <sigh> I shouldn’t whine or bitch or moan. I am very lucky to be here, but I don’t even want to THINK about the idea of 16 more weeks of bed rest. I’ll do it if I have to, but I would much rather be extra good now and hopefully be allowed to gently putter around the house later.

I don’t like regular TV that much. It’s hard for me to kill much time watching the tube. I especially hate talk shows, most reality shows, 85% of cooking/home improvement/fashion-sense shows, and sitcoms. I can get into a few really good series. My friend Tiff offered to bring by Sex and the City and the L-word. She also mentioned Californication as a good show. I told her that #1-she is a perv and #2-that I have already watched Sex in the City plus #3-I have been on strict orders for no sex (aka “pelvic rest”) since December and now with the cerclage going forward for the rest of the pregnancy. Um yeah, don’t really want to watch any show that is a daily source of soft pr0n. Frustrated enough for now. Thankyouverymuch.

I did manage to stumble across this show called “Clean House” where a crew of people come in to clean up these places stuffed with a gajillion pounds of stuff/crap/junk. A current member of my family’s house is like this, my grandfather who passed a few years ago was like this too. When it gets really bad, it is truly an illness or a compulsion for hoarding and not merely a matter of organization. Even though the cast make jokes from time to time, they generally treat the homeowners with compassion and respect. I liked that, so I Tivo’d a few episodes…plus watching THOSE houses get cleaned up and organized somehow eases my need for nesting. :-)

Any good series YOU recommend I order from Netflix?

Emergency cerclage & bedrest

2010-01-28T18:59:00.001-08:00

I went for my weekly cervix check with my peri, DrGav, on Tuesday. I was a pretty happy and healthy little chick as I bebopped into the office. Things were great, I could feel the babies move here and there, a little tap, a slight jiggle when I didn’t expect it. I had a walk in the sun the day before. Life felt normal and good. Got results back from karyotyping amnio test, but am still awaiting the final CGH microarray results. So far no problems, but I want to save that post until all results are in.

As you may or may not recall, during my 16 week ultrasound, they noticed a blood clot right behind the top my cervix. DrGav was concerned about this as it could cause irritation to the cervix and wanted me to see him for a cervical check every week until things looked fine. A week later, I had a tiny bit of spotting and while the cervical check measured 3.5cm and closed, I was asked to come again in one week for another check. On week later, two days ago, Tuesday came and I went in for my cervical check, which involves our good friend, dildocam, aka “Wanda”. The babies were checked briefly, their heartbeats were fine and they seemed active. Then the ultrasound tech started checking my cervix. She looked both with the abdominal and vaginal transducer. She had me move a bit and push to see how it was reacting. She was very nice and didn’t give away too much, but at the end of the exam, told me to stay put and wait for DrGav as he may want to double check things himself.

He checked me out with Wanda and then started talking to me and the ultrasound tech. He pointed out that the internal cervical os was completely open, that there was significant funneling (even I could see it with my untrained eye) and while my external os was currently closed, I had the beginnings of effacement. The diagnosis: Incompetent Cervix. My cervix had gone in one week from 3.5cm and closed to .6cm with funneling. I felt absolutely no cramping, no pain, no contractions and there was no spotting. It’s very scary to know that it all could have been lost so easily. The only thing keeping my babies from harm was my placenta previa. The edge of the placenta of baby A was still stretched over the top of the cervix and acting as a bridge, keeping it from splitting wide open. The previa was moving and getting near the edge of when it was going to break free. A manual check of my cervix was also found to be very soft, which could allow for dilation starting at any time.

DrGav and I discussed the situation. We decided that this was all looking very dire. His recommendation was to place a cervical cerclage. He did an excellent job of answering all of my questions and describing the procedure, why he was choosing to do it, what type of stitch, etc. He explained that he preferred the Shirodkar stitch technique. He also wanted to make sure the stitch was placed very high, closer to the internal os as he felt this has worked better for patients in the past. I was actually very worried about having an incompetent cervix due to my prior uterine surgeries, so I had done many hours of reading on this subject. I had no problem agreeing to the procedure. Anything to keep them in here and safe was best. Even with strict bedrest at 18 weeks, it was very unlikely that they would make it to viability, much less term. DrGav checked his schedule and the OR at the hospital and we decided to do a cervical cerclage that same day in a few hours. I went to the hospital, was put on intraveneous antibiotics and had the procedure with a general anesthetic four hours later. MrBeep came to be with me after work and arrived a few minutes before I went to the OR. He met with DrGav and discussed the procedure and asked questions.

According to DrGav (he talked to MrBeep after the surgery was complete) it went very smoothly. I had no bleeding from the placenta, everything seemed to go very well and with no complications. They checked the babies whose heartbeats were both doing fine. I awoke in recovery with little pain, was dispatched to a maternity ward room and rested for a couple of hours. The contractions monitor they put on me showed no contractions after the procedure. I had a tad bit of crampiness, like the day before AF arrives with a vengeance, but it was managed with medicine. I went home that night around 9pm. I didn’t want to stay in the hospital and DrGav said I could go home if I felt fine. I had a little bleeding just after the surgery and it’s fading to a smaller amount and today it is just a little bit of pink on the TP.

I am on modified bedrest until my next appointment with DrGav on Tuesday 2/2. I have a friend who is unemployed right now over as my “official babysitter” for the next few days. We are giving him a little $ to help him out. He cooks my food, keeps me company and we needed to do some movie production work this week, so it really turned out well for us both.

Even though this all seems scary and nerve wracking, I am glad and so relieved that we caught it in time. Many women who have an Incompetent Cervix don’t find out until they have had a pregnancy loss. It is more common with twins and is most likely to happen between 18-22 weeks. DrGav is hoping if the cerclage is holding well that I won’t have to be on bedrest for too long, but we’ll see. I have my little countdown calendar on my browser. I have 36 days to go until viability (24 weeks), my first goal. Hoping that in the end it all works out and my monsters are with me for as long as possible.

18w2d – Little things that bring sunshine

2010-01-24T20:28:00.001-08:00

Well, what can I say. Ummmmmm. I’m still here. I’m at 18w2d. Monsters are still here. Cervix measured well on Monday, still closed and long. I had a little brown spotting for the week, but we suspect this may be the old blood clot from the big bleed finally moving through the cervical os and on its way outta here. (Good riddance.) It was very strange to be far enough along that while I spotted, I didn’t have a lot of anxiety or fear attached to it.

Still waiting on the final results for the amnio. Not terribly stressed, but it will be nice to have closure on that too. I want to tell my grandparents and SIL and nephews and niece, but am waiting the extra week to know if it is all OK. I mean, I can wait a freaking week, right?

It’s funny how at this stage in pregnancy I am glad, but I don’t allow myself to get overly confident or excited. I am beginning to dream of nursery and baby item shopping, but it is too early. I want to shout HOORAY but am waiting for 24 weeks, or 28 weeks before I feel I can really take that a breath deep enough in order to shout. My “miscarriage signs” Google searches are now changing to “pre-term labor signs” or “incompetent cervix,” but every now and then it all swings 180°and I am suddenly looking and watching videos on double strollers and thinking things like “How in the hell can I carry two infant car seats at the same time? I will need arms like She Hulk.” And then I stop and really think, “actually I wouldn’t mind looking like She Hulk.”

I feel little twinges and flutters every now and then, but it is very subtle. 90% of the time I don’t feel anything at all. I generally have to lay down on my side and get very calm and still. When I focus my mind, I can feel if they move. Other times I just lay there like a lump and eventually fall asleep because I can’t feel a thing and horizontal = naptime. Every now and then I get distinct movement and it’s like sunshine streamed on my heart. I was sitting in the park this week, near the waterfront. I had bought a gyro sandwich and was munching down on a bench with a fabulous view of the water and the boats and Seattle across the lake. All of a sudden I felt Wiggles and Pips (our not-so official names for the monsters) squirming around. I sent MrBeep a text message saying “The monsters really like love gyro sandwich with onions.” He was happy all day and gave me lots of kisses and belly pats when he came home. He lurves gyro sandwiches.

Sending you a little of my sunshine for your hearts too, whether they be filled with sorrow, or filled with joy or filled with hope. We all need that sunshine some days.

Chillaxing

2010-01-18T01:04:00.001-08:00

Not much to report over here in the dark and soggy Pacific Northwest. As Sunny mentioned, it has been pretty gray and rainy for a while. I don’t mind it a bit, but a break for an outdoor walk would have been nice. I’ve been mostly chillaxing since last Tuesday when I had my full anatomy ultrasound and amniocentesis. After the amnio I went home and did as DrGav instructed.

“You are to be a couch princess for the rest of the day, take it easy the next few days.”

I am happy to report that I was very successful in my assigned task. I endeavored to be a regal and gracious princess, ruling my dominion with dignity and benevolence. MrBeep was a most attentive royal servant, I may have to knight him. I puttered around on my computer. I read some magazines and books. I watched the Dakar 2010 rally updates with MrBeep each night.

On Saturday I went out to a local coffee shop and played many hours with a gaming group. I was able to get in on two games. First I played a really fun game called “Jamaica.” I think that I will buy this one to take down the next time I see my niece and nephews. You are a pirate, sailing around an island trying to get treasure, food and gunpowder. You are in a race with the other players and can also get into battles against them. The rules aren’t too complex, there is some randomness via dice rolls but there is an element to thinking ahead and strategy too. The second game I played, called “Agricola” – currently ranked #1 on boardgamegeek.com - was much more complex and required a lot of strategy. It was the first time I tried the game and came in last place, but it was very fun and I would love to play it again. You have a plot of land and are trying to improve your house, build a farm, plow fields, harvest grains and add members to your family (more people = more turns). Guess who took the longest to add members to their family? Yeah, me. Not by a little, but by several turns. Really? I have to be the infertile in a danged board game too? Had to shake my head with the irony on that one.

The weekend was good. I am doing fine. I had very little cramping following my procedure, maybe a twinge or two. I’ve had no pain, spotting or fever. Now I just get to wait it out a bit for the results in a couple more weeks. And now for a couple of questions:

Question 1 from Anonymous: “There was a result called "FISH" or something for the CVS that came after 2 days with the bigger results coming at 2 weeks. Does amnio have that?”

Yes. Amnio has the option for doing FISH. We considered it. I asked about the cost. It costs about $500 and you get the answers for a couple of conditions, down syndrome, tri 13/18 in about 2-3 days. We decided that even though insurance pays for the test that we would just wait it out to save money. I was not considered a significant risk and we would want the full results no matter what. If we had received a worrisome screening test, then I would have absolutely insisted on FISH. This is an excellent article that includes some useful and detailed information: http://www.enotes.com/nursing-encyclopedia/amniocentesis

Question/comment 2 from mekate: Hope EVERYTHING is perfect and that no difficult choices need to be made. YOu are so brave doing the amnio! (I am scared of the big needles, never mind the rest of it).

Thank you dear sweet mekate. I’ll be honest. DrGav recommended that I watch the ultrasound monitor and I took his advice. I didn’t want to flinch or move at the exact wrong moment so I just kept my eyes glued to the screen. He described what he was doing, what I was seeing. The truth is, after all of the really painful and nasty stuff from IVF, like a pinchy speculums or being punched in the ovary, an amnio needle was a cake walk.

The comments I received were so heart-warming. I am delighted at the wonderful support of the ALI community. Thank you all for your kindness and good wishes. I appreciate it so much. The votes on the poll are very interesting. I am, like you, very excited to find out the results very soon.

16w4d ultrasound – so far so good

2010-01-13T12:25:00.001-08:00

I’m glad to report that we came back from an ultrasound yesterday afternoon at the MFM clinic and the quick report is that everything looks good. DrGav wanted to do a full anatomy ultrasound early and then do subsequent ones every 4 weeks to make sure that the growth of the monsters is on track. If growth does not seem to be progressing normally, then I may get put on lovenox or heparin. I weighed in and am up about 7 lbs since the start of things, so that is looking fine.

MrBeep sat at my side, touched my shoulder and kissed my forehead. A full anatomy ultrasound takes a while as each thing is scrutinized and measured. For over an hour I got to lay back and watch the monsters jiggle and wiggle. I saw happy squishy brains, thumping hearts and kidneys and stomachs and bladders. I got to see the profile of each face, accompanied by waving arms and legs, twitchy hands and feet. I counted 5 fingers on a wee hand held out and easy to see. I got to see eentsy little toes. I watched so hard my eyes started to water and by the end my vision was blurred. I couldn’t help it! I guess I forgot to blink but the perma-grin was wide on my face.

It’s amazing how reduced the room is in there compared to 5 weeks ago at the NT ultrasound. No easy turns doing back flips at will. They’ll just have to practice to be in Cirque du Soleil once they are in normal gravity like the rest of us. The ultrasound technician got a couple of shots from under each baby’s legs, she asked me to guess, but I had no idea – remember it’s only 16 weeks along. She is pretty sure the sex on one and the other is an educated guess, it’s legs were held tight together. The internal ultrasound showed my cervix was long and closed, that is another very good thing. DrGav warned that with twins, they want internal cervical checks every two weeks as things can change very quickly and a month span is too long between checks.

DrGav also said that the measurements on both babies looked good. He needs more time to review all of the pictures to look closely at the placentas, etc. We expressed our interest in amnio before the appointment and he said that it was really up to us, but that the measurements again put the risks for DS and Trisomy 13/18 as really low (1 in 650). In the end, we still wanted to do the amnio. The procedure went well. DrGav explained each step and all the precautions he took for good results. My belly was swabbed with iodine. The ultrasound was on and referenced the entire time. One quick poke for each twin’s sac/fluid. I watched on the ultrasound and all seemed to go fine. The babies heartbeats were measured right on track after the procedure. I have had an easy time afterwards so far. No spotting, no leaking, no high temperature. I have felt the babies flutter happily all night and day. I have added a poll to the right column so you can guess what flavor the monsters are. I get the results in about two weeks.

Why decide to do the amnio? Folks, I’m 41, MrBeep is 46. These are my own old eggs, his own sperm. I’m going to be very honest, if one of these babies has a condition that is incompatible with life and puts the other baby at great risk, I need to know. I have to think of more than myself. Screening tests are highly educated guesses, they are not diagnostic and they do not have the real genetic answers. Also, D/S and Tri 13/18 are only 3 things. Amniocentesis karyotyping tests for over 40 and we are also getting a prenatal CGH microarray that looks at over 100. The real risks for continuous scan amnio with a highly qualified specialist like DrGav are significantly lower than 1:200. They are actually more like 1:1,600. Please believe that I don’t think that my preferences and decisions are right for everyone, but they are right for us. In two weeks I’ll either have the hardest decision of my life or I’ll get to finally breathe a little easier for the first time in years. I am happy to answer any questions for those of you who need to know more, just post in the comments or email ifoptimist.at gmail.com. I would appreciate understanding and not judgment. If you have strict religious beliefs and ideals, I respect them. Please my friends, I’m scared and I’m crying. I will meditate. I will try to instill calm in my heart. Now again with a wholly new kind of 2 week wait, I will embrace Hope in all its bright sunshine, glowing at the end of a dark cave.

Ups & downs & everythings in between

2010-01-11T16:14:00.001-08:00

It has been a bit of a crazy week. First an update from my Ob/Gyn visit. I saw my ObDoc on Wednesday and had a routine exam. My labs for cultures and thyroid tests came back negative/normal (wooo!) I tested negative for being a carrier of cystic fibrosis (wooo!). My blood pressure was 126/80 (only slightly elevated) and we heard two heartbeats with the doppler at 146 and 153 bpm. I’ve gained 4.8 lbs since the beginning of my pregnancy, which doesn’t seem like a lot, but I was easily 35lbs overweight when I started. I go back to the ObDoc at the beginning of February but I was doing fine as of Wednesday and was given the green light to do light exercise (walking, swimming, pre-natal yoga).

I am becoming a little more active, getting out for walks with MrBeep, shopping, running errands, working, etc. I like it much better than taking it too easy. I have been editing and working on some videography stuff. I finished my friend’s wedding DVD before she headed off to Australia to visit her husband’s friends and relatives who couldn’t make the wedding. In addition to the video editing work, I did a really fun photo slideshow set to the song “Lucky Day” by Judy Garland. It turned out great and I was glad to get the creative workout.

I also dragged my lazy ass to the computer and put on my photography hat. I went through a photo shoot session I had with my friend Tiff and her then 9 month old baby. I chose the best photos, did some retouching and sweetening, then took the top 3 and made a framed picture with a tri-cut mat and some additional art supplies. I glued his name down a vertical and then added stickers with the words “adorable, laughing, marvelous, baby boy” in between the photo cut outs. They had a dual birthday party (kids from 6p-9p and adults from 9p-12a) on Saturday. I gave the framed picture and the other good prints to Tiff for her birthday. For her son’s 1st birthday, we got him a 4-in-1 ride in car. She says he digs it big time.

I think I may have overdone things a bit on Friday and Saturday. I knew I was thirsty and should have stopped to get something to drink, but I thought that I’d be done soon and home. I guzzled a good quantity of water before bed. On Sunday morning at 6am, I woke up really needing to urinate and afterwards had a lot of cramps, but after an hour or so of resting, it calmed down. I went back to sleep and woke up at 11am with more cramps that got worse (TMI-had a bowel movement – FINALLY). Afterwards I had a lot of gas pain and an upset stomach and mild backache. I called my ObDoc who was on call, she recommended I sip some baking soda and water (a bi-carb) and if that didn’t work after an hour, to go to the emergency room. After another hour I still had a lot of gas pain and then severe cramps and then I became nauseated. I vomited the water and baking soda (YUCK!!), then I became even more nauseous, and dizzy, and my hands started to shake. MrBeep took me to the emergency room. I got a full work up – blood pressure normal, temp normal, urine sample normal, blood normal, and the nurse found two healthy heartbeats for the monsters with her doppler. At no time did I have any spotting or bleeding. After about 20 minutes, it all increased. I had tons of pain in my sides, back and cramps in my belly, then I started to shake all over. They started an IV drip. After about 3-4 minutes I could feel my whole body relax and calm down, the effect was almost instantaneous. A couple minutes after that, the nurse gave me an anti-nausea drug and a little pain killer into the IV. Those things took the rest of the edge off and we stayed in the ER for a couple more hours so they could keep an eye one me. Since I had so much pain in my sides (left side especially) and back, they did an ultrasound to check my internal organs - kidneys, liver, pancreas, gall bladder - these all checked out OK. The ultrasound tech also did a quick heart rate check on the kiddos, they were having a grand old time, doing fine, their heart rates normal. I was less concerned about them because I could feel them moving and squirming all day. The feeling was subtle, but unmistakable. Thank goodness. In the end, my release papers called it “Abdominal Pain, Uncertain Cause [Female].” I think it was the perfect storm of dehydration, indigestion, and constipation. All of which got everything including my uterus to start aching and cramping. No fun.

Why am I telling you all of this disgusting stuff, 100% TMI with too many details? It’s because I recognized my symptoms may be from dehydration as described by other bloggidy friends when they had trouble. Had I not known this, I would have tried to suck it up at home and risked big problems. After I came back from the ER, I noticed my sunken eyes with dark circles beneath them I remembered how dark my urine had been in the last couple of days, etc. I’m mad at myself for not keeping up and recognizing my lack of liquid intake. The multiples book and other sources recommend 8 16 oz glasses of water/day. Yes 128 oz. That’s over 3 liters or a gallon per day. Folks, that is a fuckton of liquid. I didn’t drink a thimble’s worth, I didn’t drink a gallon. I think I drank around a liter/day in the last few days leading to Sunday (BTW-why can’t the US just go metric? I mean, c’mon really?)

I am being very good and monitoring my water intake and will do so from now on. I feel fine and have felt great since about 5 minutes after the IV kicked in. I will go tomorrow afternoon to the MFM specialist for my 16 week ultrasound. I’m good. The monsters are OK. I thought about keeping this all to myself, lest I seem the drama queen, but then I remembered how much other posts help me, so…there it is. Sending lots of love out on the wires of the internet to you all.

Talking to the Big Guns

2010-01-04T23:58:00.001-08:00

Last week I went to the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist office and I met DrGav. He seems like a very intelligent and thoughtful man. My ObDoc loves him, says he’s a sweetheart. I started off the appointment by answering a ton of personal and family medical history questions with the MFM nurse who stayed during our appointment the whole time. MrBeep was with me, sitting opposite in a chair, his serious face set and ready.

DrGav arrived and looked over my medical and family history. We discussed my heterozygous MTHFR issue with the added knowledge about my brother’s thrombosis a couple months ago. He said that he was glad to know my homocystine level was normal, that was a very good thing. He was also glad ObDoc kicked the folic acid dosage up and that I was taking a baby aspirin per ObDoc’s instructions. He said that he didn’t want to put me on any heparin for now because he thinks the baby aspirin and folgard will do fine. He does want me to take 2 baby aspirin per day instead of 1 because I am carrying twins. So one in the morning and one in the evening. Taking two baby aspirin is means the kiddos will get a daily dose of aspirin. They’re so small. This makes MrBeep nervous which therefore makes me nervous, but we will go with his expert advice. He said that in order to monitor the babies, we’ll get an ultrasound at 16 weeks and then compare it to future ones to make sure their growth seems on track. If it is not, then we will assume the MTHFR is causing placental problems and I will go on heparin or lovenox.

They took more blood to check my thyroid. The results showed all is fine and normal. DrGav did notice that I had a slightly elevated pulse. He seems convinced that I will get high blood pressure during this pregnancy because my mom had high blood pressure before her kidneys finally gave out. I don’t know. I guess it may be likely. I have, on his recommendation, bought a home blood pressure monitor (so we can see if it is slowly elevating over time) and I am also cutting out excess sodium. The blood pressure pre-judgment frustrates me because I have always had normal or low pressure. My mom had it from the time she was in her early twenties, she smoked a pack a day, etc. I know it can still happen but c’mon. Honestly it is really hard to take someone’s advice you have just barely met, but I have done my research on this practice and the specialists and they are top notch. I must admit I agree with him it is important to monitor and try to prevent a serious condition before it happens. A proactive approach is wise.

I talked to my mom and my brother and jokingly whined at them that their health problems are causing me grief from my doctors and would they please take better care of themselves. They promised to do their best. I see my ObDoc on Wednesday afternoon for a routine check-up. It’s been three weeks since I heard the little monster’s heartbeats. Every time I get close to a doctor’s visit I get extra nervous. Anyone else crazy like that?

It’s interesting how many nice comments say things akin to “Wow. 15 weeks sure did fly by.” I want your time machine folks because my weeks seem like they are really dragging. I alternate between nervous terror and excitement. A small part of me wants to go to sleep and wake up 15 weeks from now, but most wants to savor every minute. I lay awake in the quiet of the night and try to feel them move. Sometimes I think I can sense a fluttering and other times I’d swear it’s just my pulse. C’mon my monsters, Mommy is looking forward to Squirmfest 2010.

2010 A New Year of Possibility

2010-01-01T20:58:00.001-08:00

Wow. 2010. Here I am in the year 2010. The 2000s were years of great change in my life. In the last decade I have moved to a new state, married my true love and best friend, shifted my career, found and bought my first home, made many new and wonderful friends.

In my mind I stand now on the road of my life with a marker reading Friday, January 1, 2010.

It is so strange to be mentally at this place. It is not a crossroad. There is only one path I see before me. Turning around is never an option. Yet lifting my head to take the first step is daunting and proving harder than I had anticipated. My mind swirls with possibilities of the future both good and bad. Joyous and devastating.

I am not always an optimist. Doubt and worry and fear creep over me. It is the reason why I chose to write as IF Optimist, then… I wanted a reason to focus on why my life is good, why I need to choose a place of hope in my heart. I wanted a reason to believe in the power to keep my mind unclouded with negative things. I hoped that power would allow me to see what is truly before me, clearly, so I can make the best decision, do the right thing, choose the best path to follow.

I suspect this will be the decade I say goodbye to my wonderful grandparents, now at 88 and 85. I know that they worry and pray for me, I will finally tell them my news in a few weeks after my next ultrasound. I hope they will get to meet my children some day. My children?

Will this be the the decade, I will finally go from living as part of a happy couple to a happy family? Will I get to go from having “monsters” to babies (who will hopefully grow up to earn their name as monster)? Will I get to the other side of this year with two babies or one or none? Will there be cause for celebration or sorrow? Will I be sitting on the floor in a three years, spaghettios in my hair, cleaning crayon off the wall, wondering where my professional career went and why won’t these two just take a freaking nap? Will I walk into their room 20 minutes later, watch them dozing lazy and warm, and suddenly remember just how lucky I truly am? Will I get to watch MrBeep grow from a hesitant first time father to a warm and loving daddy?

In my mind I stand now on the road of my life with a marker reading Friday, January 1, 2010…

…taking a deep breath, calming my mind, with sunshine in my heart and a smile brightening my cheeks, I step forward onto the path.

14 weeks – Christmas Meme

2009-12-25T10:14:00.001-08:00

Several of you lovely folks out there have posted the Christmas Meme and I have loved it. I thought I would use it for today. I hope you are having a good day with those you love the most, because really that’s all that ever matters. The sun is shining through my window, the color is so radiant and golden and warm. Today I am at 14 weeks -- 2nd Trimester. I love you my monsters.

1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate?
OK, hot chocolate is for sureseys absolutely wonderful…BUT…during the holidays, I wants me some eggnog. I can get hot chocolate any time, I can make a fabulous hot chocolate, but there is no way my lazy ass is going to make eggnog. When the season comes around, I buy my favorite brand too. Organic Valley. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I always require a dash of fresh nutmeg grind and except for this year (being up the duff and all) I alternate between bourbon and dark rum for a little warm boozy goodness.

2. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
I like wrapping paper because there’s a little more suspense and no peeking! I don’t like the waste of paper and would some day like to figure out a way to make wrapping from pre-sewn cloth squares and velcro strips/drawstrings.

3. Real tree or artificial?
I love real trees, but MrBeep doesn’t. He makes a good point by how much mess they make when the needles fall all over the place and they are a fire hazard. I did splurge and get a decent artificial tree when it was on 75% off mega sale last year. It’s pretty and very convenient and I can leave it up until after New Years which is nice…but I’d still rather have a real tree.

4. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
I like colored lights, but was on bed rest during decorating season, so we have no lights outside this year. :-(

5. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
I have these little red glass hearts in matte and shiny, with copper colored beads that wrap around and a copper shiny skirt. I have these pinecone clusters arranged in various places on the tree and the rest is decorated with all different kinds of ornaments. We have dragons and penguins playing hockey, a panda bear taking a ride on a zeppelin, a skiing frog, the grinch, Seattle space needle bulbs, a pharaoh’s head and we always get a couple of bags of lindor chocolates that have the shiny wrapping, we put those on the tree like ornaments too.

6. Do you hang mistletoe?
No, but now that you mention it, that would be cool.

7. Do you have a nativity scene?
No.

8. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Ehhhhhh…I always mean to do it and then life gets in the way. I do manage a few New Years cards.

9. What is your favorite holiday dish?
All. Bring it on, I’m not picky.

10. Favorite Holiday memory as a child?
I always liked going out to pick out the Christmas tree. We generally didn’t have one or decorate the house when I was a kid because we always went somewhere else on Christmas Eve and Day, but every now and then we got a tree and when we did, I was pretty happy.

11. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
We had put out milk and cookies for Santa one year when I was 7 or so. I wrote Santa a letter thanking him for coming to the house and telling him that I hope he liked the cookies I baked. The next day, Santa wrote on the back of the note thanking me for the cookies and that they were delicious…it was in my Dad’s handwriting.

12. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
No, but I have no problem if someone wanted to. We are generally at home alone relaxing on Christmas Eve.

13. Snow! Love it or Dread it?
Are you kidding?!? I love snow. I’m from LA and never had a “White Christmas” growing up. Now that I live in Seattle, the possibility is there, but we never get enough to be terribly inconvenient.

14. Have you ever recycled a gift?
Rarely. I’m fairly allergic to things like scented candles, lotions with perfume and the like. A few times when I have received a very nice quality gift like that I have added it in with the gift I’ve already purchased as a bonus. Why let it go to waste? Most people aren’t sensitive to it like I am.

15. What’s the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Just being with family and friends. Having a time of year when everyone takes a few extra moments to wish you cheer and joy in your heart. I like that.

16. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Apple pie or Pear Tart with Cinnamon ice cream. I made an eggnog bread pudding last year that was really fabulous. I’m not a huge chocolate dessert fan.

17. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Cooking dinner for my loved ones and then sitting around the table to enjoy it together. Love that.

18. What tops your tree?
A shiny silver ornament that looks like a miniature spiral galaxy.

19. Favorite Christmas Show?
Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas, with Boris Karloff narrating and singing. MrBeep sometimes calls me Cindy Lou Whoo.

20. Saddest Christmas Song?
Grandma got run over by a reindeer, it’s so sad what happend to that old lady. Brings a tear to my eye every time.

21. What is your favorite Christmas Holiday Song?
Hard to pick. I like “A Christmas Song” sung by Nat King Cole, “White Christmas” sung by Bing Crosby, “Silver and Gold” sung by Burl Ives and of course “Christmas Is” sung by Lou Rawls

An early Christmas gift

2009-12-22T11:52:00.001-08:00

I received an early Christmas gift today, no not a Red Ryder BB Gun.

Last week I posted “Houston, we have nasal bones” with details on my NT ultrasound and first trimester screening test. The genetic counselor from my maternal-fetal medical specialist gave me a call. The results are in! We received good news that the results are normal and show a decreased chance of trisomy 13/18/21.

I understand that these are screening tests and not diagnostic tests, but they do allow me to breathe easier for the next month or so before we will get amnio test and results.

Here’s what we’ve got. The genetic counselor started with Trisomy 21 (Down syndrome). Given my age, the normal statistics for a child with Down syndrome is 1 in 62, or a 1.61% chance. After the screening results, that number is now 1 in 627 for Baby A (.15%) and 1 in 660 for Baby B (.15%). Going from roughly a one-and-a-half-percent chance to one-tenth-of-a-percent chance is very heartening indeed. I was pretty happy about that.

For trisomy 13 and trisomy 18 she said the normal listed risk at my age was 1 in 109 or .9% to 1 in 2161 (.04%) for both Baby A and B. Again this is very good news.

I feel right now like one of my very favorite Christmas songs…

I am merry, my heart is light. Big hugs and much love –- Traci.

I am NOT a Drama Queen

2009-12-18T13:57:00.001-08:00

Well, I am officially off of bed rest for now and I’ve made it to 13 weeks and that is another reason to say “so far, so good.” Thank you all for your well wishes. I have had no other spotting or bleeding since the first incident and am taking it very easy from now on. I went to my ObDoc for a routine appointment on Thursday. I was weighed (hard to accept that gaining a pound in a couple of week is a “good thing”), we got culture samples and my ObDoc checked my uterus. We were able to hear two separate heartbeats at 149 and 155 bpm on the doppler gizmo so that gave me a little bit of breathing room.

Before I get to the next part of my tale, I just wanted to state this for the record.

I am NOT a drama queen.

I hate drama, I don’t want drama. Keeping drama to the movies I watch is the only place I want that shit in my life. I don’t thrive on it. I am not an attention hog. I want to be normal and boring and typical when it comes to this stuff. I’m not a person who goes out of their way to create tension or strife. Hell, I’m even a happy drunk…BTW…“I love you man.” I like zany, I like snarky, I like laughing ‘til my face hurts. I like good food and drink, fun conversation and a night of playing board games.

Imagine my face then when three days ago my ObDoc’s office calls and lets me know that after my big bleed episode of the prior week (I had 12 vials of blood taken for various tests) it seems that I was tested and have come back positive for a blood clotting disorder, specifically for compound heterozygous MTHFR.

MoTHerFuckeR.

Here is an awesome blog I found that has a good tutorial. Here is a good page on Thombophilias from the March of Dimes website. The ObDoc’s office immediately put me on a prescription for FOLGARD taken twice daily. Each pill is a mega-dose of folic acid 2.2mg, B-6 25mg, and B-12 1mg. I have also been put on low-dose aspirin. Hopefully these things will help. If you have a MTHFR mutation your body does not absorb folate properly and you are also at greater risk for blood clots affecting you and baby. MTHFR mutation complications and risks (some mutations are more serious than others) published in scientific papers in peer reviewed journals have been linked to multiple miscarriages (including early 1st, late 1st and 2nd term loss), implantation problems, congenital heart defects, preeclampsia, and clots that affect baby’s placenta, causing growth problems and pre-natal death.

Great. Think at 41 you make it to 13 weeks with kiddos looking fine you can perhaps maybe breathe just a little bit easier. F-You IF Optimist, what do you think?

<Sigh>

I am NOT a drama queen.

Here is what I am. I AM a bit ticked off that no one found this out earlier so I could have taken better precautions, I mean I was tested for just about everything under the sun between my RE and my myomectomy ObDoc. I AM grateful for my current ObDoc, a fine and intelligent lady. I AM happy that even though I have this, it isn’t the most dangerous form of the mutation and can be managed by doctors. I AM concerned because I have read of ladies losing their babies in the late part of their pregnancies because of clots in the placenta or umbilical cord. I AM relieved to know that most of those who had tragic losses were untreated for their MTHFR and once they were aware, properly monitored and treated, went on to have healthy babies. I AM worried because remember me having to take off to Florida to take care of my brother? That was because of deep vein thrombosis (a blood clot in the leg) leading to a pulmonary embolism. I AM glad that although my brother had this serious condition, he was a two-pack a day smoker while I have never smoked (he has since quit smoking). I AM glad that although they found the MTHFR mutation, currently my homocystine levels were normal. I AM extremely happy that I have made it this far in the pregnancy. I AM also very glad that the NT scan looked good, so I hope I am doing OK for folate absorption.

As I said earlier, I found out about MTHFR on Tuesday so both MrBeep and I were spending a lot of time on Dr. Google, NIH and PubMed to find out more, make sure we understand the dangers, etc. I didn’t want to post until I had a much clearer understanding of my current situation. I did come up with a list of questions for my ObDoc. I now have a little red moleskin notebook that I will take notes and write questions so I don’t forget for my doctor’s appointments. After our routine exam was completed, here were the questions I asked her:

Q: My brother was just hospitalized for 6 days due to a deep vein thrombosis and subsequent pulmonary embolism. He is 1.5 years older than I am. He is also 80 lbs overweight and a 2 pack a day smoker. While my homocystine levels tested normal, does this put me at greater risk?

A: (At this information her face dropped a little and her tone became more serious) I want you to call the MFM specialist, get an appointment and let him know this. I think we are good with the extra Folgard and the baby aspirin, but he may want to put you on lovenox.

Q: I am curious to know what prompted to you test me for MTHFR? Was it the big bleeding episode?

A: Actually, it was because of your chemical pregnancy back in June. We also tested you for other common clotting disorders including Factor V, Protein C, Protein S, Lupus, etc. You tested negative for all other clotting factors which is a very good thing.

Q: Do you think that my big bleeding episode last week was caused by the Total Previa or the MTHFR issue?

A: Previa. MTHFR doesn’t normally cause that type of bleeding, even with the clots you had. Also it is a common thing with a total previa, even in early pregnancy.

Q: My homocystine levels were normal. How often will this be tested to make sure there is no increase? Also, I was not fasting when the blood was taken, are you concerned about this?

A: We’ve found that these levels rarely change this far into pregnancy. I’m not concerned about the fasting, studies show no difference.

Q: I have been reading about people with this condition getting Lovenox. When is this prescribed versus just extra Folgard and baby aspirin.

A: Typically it is prescribed if you have had several losses, have had known clot or thrombosis yourself, or if you have more than one clotting disorder.

So, my friends. That was my week. I have a call into the Maternal-Fetal medical specialists who will consider whether or not I should also receive injections of Lovenox in addition to my current vitamins. While I don’t like having additional factors to worry about, I am actually really glad we caught this early. I am very very happy that I found a good team of doctors who are proactive and on the ball. I get to decorate the house for Christmas tonight with MrBeep, my MIL and FIL. My ObDoc (I promise to write more about her later) has been able to put me at ease with her great personality, superb knowledge and professionalism. She did say this to me, “well won’t it be great to have these two kiddos out for Christmas next year?” I was so happy at that thought I could cry. I just said, “I hope so. That would be really wonderful.”

Houston, we have nasal bones

2009-12-14T17:01:00.001-08:00

I celebrated my birthday on the couch with great news! So far so good. While we won’t get the official screening results for the first trimester combined screening for about 10 days, we do have many things that indicate improved results.

We have easily recognizable nasal bones
Crown-rump length is good for their gestational age
Neural tube measurement is 1mm on each behbey
NT measurement/Crown-rump length is excellent

At the Maternal-Fetal Medicine office, they actually do a full anatomy scan when they do the nuchal translucency (NT) measurement. I don’t know if this is standard everywhere or not. I had not read that this was a normal part of a NT scan on any WTF2Expect web sites. Our lovely ultrasound technician started by checking each twin’s crown-rump length. They are growing right on time to a little big, that is good news they are measuring 12w1d for Baby B and 12w3d for Baby A. I was officially at 12w0d. She looked at the placentas and seemed to think that the previa was partial and not complete, but I don’t know. Then she checked the NT measurement after waiting for Baby A to move into a better position. It was moving, but never in the right way. She kept saying, “Come on little one, just a little more” and finally took the ultrasound tranducer that was on my belly and gently bounced it up and down, saying “here we go. Move a little.” AND IT WAS SOOOOOO AMAZING because we watched on the monitor while both wiggled and moved a bit after the bouncing of the tummy. MrBeep and I laughed and I was getting teary-eyed. Finally they were in good places and she measured separately each one’s NT neck area and they were at 1mm. Then she checked the heart rate, they were good and strong, around 155 for Baby A and 145 for Baby B. Then she started at the top of their heads and looked at the following things, brain, each arm, each hand, each leg, each foot. She also located and pointed out the bladder and then the stomach. She explained that since she could see the bladder and stomach clearly that the babies are making urine and swallowing, so they will be able to make amniotic fluid. That was another good indicator. WHEW!!! The anatomy scan took about 30 minutes and we got to watch those kiddos move. It was the best birthday present ever, especially after my scare. Things are looking up.

Thanks so very much for all of your kind wishes and offers to join me for a couch party. I would have loved to enjoy a nice cup of…eh…chocolate milk with my bloggidy pals. I did get a very nice present from my MIL and FIL:

WALLACE & GROMIT
The Complete Collection on Blu-Ray!!!

It’s got four short films:
A Matter of Loaf and Death
A Grand Day Out
The Wrong Trousers
A Close Shave

I was so glad to get some encouraging news for my birthday. MrBeep was grinning and kept saying, “A great birthday sweetie, are you happy?” I’d smile back and say, “Yes. Very, very happy indeed.”

The birthday dessert was…<drumroll>…eggnog gelato! It was super yummy and MrBeep put in as many candles as he could without it melting right away.

I closed my eyes and made a big wish for everyone. I won’t tell you my secret, but know this…I was thinking of me, monsters and all of you. May all our wishes come true.

Make a wish

2009-12-11T12:21:00.001-08:00

Today is my birthday. I am 41 years old. I have been on bed rest for over 4 days. I’ve had no new bouts of bleeding. Spotting happened on day 1, but was all brown and left over from the scare. I had absolutely nothing for almost two days now. If nothing happens today I will be allowed to be gentle and careful, but able to move around the house. Thanks for all of your kind wishes and good thoughts. It really helped and I spent a lot of time reading over JJ’s bout with bleeding and previa.

Today I also leave in 1 hour for my NT scan, twins consultation and genetic counselor appointment at the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist in our area. Will I get good news or bad news for my birthday? I realize that these tests are screening tests and not diagnostic tests, but golly I’d sure like some good news. I’ll update if I find out more tonight.

Universe?

Pretty please?

I will have candles on my cake or pie or dessert today. I will keep 3 for myself and the rest I will make special wishes for you who are in the amid of cycles, awaiting transfers, watching embryos grow, keeping little ones snug as a bug in your personal rugs, tucking in to beds and most of all those planning next steps, considering where you will be in one year.

I am so glad to be here, even with the scares and the fears. Last year I hit 40 and found out a couple of weeks earlier my first IUI was unsuccessful. I escaped with MrBeep to London for a week and it was fabulous and magic. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I’m very happy to be here celebrating a monsterous birthday on my couch. If I had a sci-fi transporter, I’d beam you all over for a couch party. Wouldn’t that be extra-specialicious-awesomepants?

A Monster-sized Heart

2009-12-10T06:23:00.001-08:00

Monday was a very very hard day. It didn’t start that way. It started happy, sending MrBeep off to work, grabbing my laptop and working on a writing project I promised for a friend. In the early afternoon I was nodding off in my chair and decided that a nap in bed would work better, so I meandered upstairs, flopped down and happily dreamed for an hour or so. I woke to a wet feeling and put my hand down. It was covered in blood. I got up and ran to the bathroom where the horror show began. I lost a lot of blood and passed big clots, then after a minute it stopped. I felt no cramping and no pain at all. I started shaking. I grabbed a towel and ran to the phone to call my husband. As soon as I heard his voice, I started crying and begging him to come home. “I think I lost one sweetie, maybe worse. I need you please please come home.” He asked me some quick questions and made sure I didn’t need to call 911, but it seemed that after the initial large loss that I wasn’t bleeding much more. I told him I was going to call the doctor after we got off the phone. He told me he was on his way. I got into an empty bathtub and closed the drain. I knew they would want me to save whatever material I could for analysis.

I had my cordless phone and knew my RE’s number by heart, so I called them for advice. The receptionist put me on hold and immediately ran to get a nurse. Nurse Sarah got on the phone, I told her in a shaky and crying voice what had happened and that I didn’t know what to do. She made sure that my symptoms didn’t seem to require calling 911 and then told me we need to call my ObDoc’s office. She asked if I knew the number, but I didn’t. She told me she would look it up and get it for me. She gave me the number and told me she would call me back in a few minutes to make sure I got through and they were able to see me. I hung up and got hold of my ObDoc’s office. I explained what happened and they immediately transferred me to Carolyn, my ObDoc’s nurse. She found out my current condition, confirmed I had someone who could drive me to their office. She told me to go to their ultrasound suite and I would be the next person helped and we would see how things were. I hung up with her and called my mom and dad’s house. My dad answered the phone.

“Daddy,” I said, “where’s Momma? I need Momma. I think I’m losing the babies, there’s blood everywhere.” He started to cry and told me he would get her. They stayed on the phone with me, made sure that MrBeep was on his way and comforted me. I thought of all my bloggidy friends who are having a hard time, thought of my own situation and asked, “Why Momma? Why can’t we catch a break?”

After a few minutes Sarah, the nurse from my RE’s office called back to check on me. She said the whole office was very upset and were all praying and sending good thoughts my way. When she told DocO he said, “Tell her that if the Ob can’t see her for an ultrasound, we’ll help her in any way we can.” I let them know that as soon as MrBeep arrived and drove me to the clinic/hospital (a 7-8 minute drive), we were going to be helped right away. I let Sarah know I was on the other line with my mom. She wished me well, told me to hang in there and that she would check on me tomorrow.

After about 10 minutes on the phone with my parents, MrBeep came home. I was sitting in the empty bathtub and asked him to stay back and not to look but to get me a plastic container. He came anyway and kissed and comforted me. He made sure I wasn’t in any immediate danger and then went to get a container and a paper bag to conceal it so we could bring everything to the ObDoc’s office. I rinsed off, dressed and we headed out.

Arriving at the Ob’s office, we were luckily in the reception area alone. The ultrasound tech was currently with a patient, but we were the very next to be helped after waiting about 5 minutes. I used the restroom, got my paper gown and we used a wand to see what was going on. She zoomed in and there was a little baby, lying on his back. “There’s one” she said and then pointed to his heartbeat, “heartbeat looks nice and strong, we’ll measure it in a sec.” Then she swung the wand around a bit and another little kiddo showed up, “here’s baby B and…there’s the heartbeat. Also looks very good.” She looked at me and smiled. Now let’s take some measurements and we’ll check the sacs and the placentas.

I was overcome with surprise and absolute wonder. While she was measuring, I was still scared and softly crying. MrBeep came up and kissed my forehead and said, “Be happy for now sweet girl. Look at that little guy.” He pointed to the TV where the ultrasound was displayed in duplicate for patients to have a clear view. Twin A was being mellow, just chillaxing, waving and twitching a little. Twin B was like, “Hey, don’t worry. Look what I can do. He wiggled and did a 360 spin on his back and then twirled around and faced us. Then he just looked straight out of the screen and sat there, seemingly staring right at MrBeep. “That little monster is mad dogging you,” I giggled, wiping away tears. My monsters. There they were, alive and with me. 3 monster hearts. Baby A, Baby B and the monster-sized one I grew right then.

She measured the babes and they were right on track. 11w5d for Baby A and 11w3d for Baby B. She closely examined the sacs and then said, “it appears that the gestational sacs are completely intact. That’s a good thing.” Then she scrutinized the placentas, and measured the heartbeat rates. We got a strong 140 on Baby A and every time she tried to get Baby B (the acrobat) kept wiggling out of the way. He would slide left, she would try to measure then he would slide right. We all chuckled a little bit and boy that kiddo sure cheered me up. I needed it. We eventually got Baby B too and he was also right about 140 so that was great. At the end of the scan she told me that everything that she could see looked good, but I had a total placenta previa. The placenta of Baby A is sitting right on top of my cervix and this can cause serious bleeding. “I want you to get dressed and head over to see your ObDoc. I’ll give her the sample you brought us. You didn’t overreact, this is a lot of material and you were absolutely correct to call. You ObDoc will explain more about the total previa and she’ll give you instructions for your care.” I went into the room to get dressed, washed my face and came back into the ultrasound room for MrBeep. The ultrasound tech looked at me and said, “oh honey, you look like you need a hug.” I did, I was still so nervous and shakey. She was so nice and gave me a great big hug.

I headed across the hall to my ObDoc’s office where I met her nurse in the hall. She smiled and told me I needed to the other suite for the ultrasound. I let her know that I just came from there and was told to come here now. She looked concerned.

“How are we doing?” she asked.

“Well, the babies are wiggling with good strong heartbeats, and what appears on ultrasound to be intact sacs, but she says I have a total previa,” I responded.

“Oh thank heavens,” said the nurse, “that we can handle. Come on back and we’ll take care of you.”

And they did. They explained my condition, what could have caused the big bleed, made me understand the severity and told me that I was required to be on complete bed rest from now until the two days after any type of spotting. Lying down. Bathroom breaks and that’s it. “You need to be absolutely clear of any spotting for two whole days. One smidge of red or brown counts and resets the clock. Absolutely clear?”

I was absolutely clear. I have been given an enormous gift from the universe on this one. I wasn’t going to screw it up. I have been in bed/lying on the couch since Monday night. Yesterday I got permission to sit up in bed, which is soooooo awesomepuss I can’t hardly express it…well other than to use the word awesomepuss. I’ve been trying my best to keep up on your blogs and now that I can sit up, I will get back to commenting. I had written half of a light-hearted post on prenatal vitamins, but I will delay that. Next, I will write more about placenta previa using my ObDoc’s excellent demonstration and will post links to useful medical sites. We are not totally out of the woods, there is still much to fear, but hopefully with care and luck, we’ll make it to the other side.

I wanted to say that even in my darkest hour I thought of you all, my friends, who have been so supportive and have shown such kindness, both to me and wherever I read any comments throughout the ALI community. It genuinely restores my faith in humankind. I was so scared, I was so worried, but at no time did I ever feel alone. Thank you from all of the places in my monster-sized heart.

Award for best slacker? Over the Top!

2009-12-03T16:28:00.001-08:00

Back in November I was greatly honored with a wonderful award by the witty and vivacious Sprogblogger. To repay her generosity, I have been, eh, in deep philosophical meditation on her award. Yeah, that’s it. It’s not as if I would have been delaying or procrastinating, because well…that would just be wrong! Believe me? No? <sigh> OK. I’ve been a slacker.

Drat. That’s that I get for having so many intelligent and clever bloggidy friends. What you should really do instead of reading my dull ass list is go and visit Dirk’s hilarious tale regarding the dangers of arachnids.

Here are the rules for the award:

1. You can only use one word! Ed. note: Yeah, right…how in the hell can someone do that? I’ll try.
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers. Ed. note: Nah, I’m a rebel. You can’t tell me what to do!!!!! (walks out in huff, slams door)
3. Alert them that you have given them this award! Ed. note: You’ve got it!
4. Have Fun! Wooooo hoooo! I am abuzz with possibilities and anticipation.

1. Where is your cell phone? Purse
2. Your hair? In flower barrettes
3. Your mother? Fabulous
4. Your father? Giving
5. Your favorite food? Yummy
6. Your dream last night? Nightmarish
7. Your favorite drink? Tea
8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood
9. What room are you in? Living
10. Your hobby? Photography/Film
11. Your fear? Failure
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mom+Filmmaker
13. Where were you last night? Dinner-w/friends
14. Something that you aren’t? Uptight
15. Muffins? CanIHazMuffins?
16. Wish list item? http://www.bhphotovideo.com/c/product/300490-USA/Nikon_2147_17_55mm_f_2_8G_ED_IF_AF_S.html#features
17. Where did you grow up? California
18. Last thing you did? When?
19. What are you wearing? Red
20. Your TV? Tivo-ruled
21. Your pets? None :-(
22. Friends? LotsOGeeksLikeMe
23. Your life? Full of happy possibilities
24. Your mood? Antsy
25. Missing someone? Nope
26. Vehicle? SUBARU!!!!!!
27. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes
28. Your favorite store? Amazon.com
29. Your favorite color? Forest Green
30. When was the last time you laughed? 2:00 pm (MrBeep called me)
31. Last time you cried? Sunday
32. Your best friend? MrBeep
33. One place that I go to over and over? Saint Edward State Park
34. One person who e-mails me regularly? Varies
35. Favorite place to eat? Home (amid friends)

Sending this out to: Honestly, whoever wants it can have it. It was going around a month ago, so I don’t recall who has already done the award and who hasn’t so consider yourself tagged if you like!

The end of the bird

2009-11-29T17:23:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving was, as always, a huge hit in the IF Optimist household. I love to cook and it took me two days to complete all of the prep and the dinner. We had 8 people for dinner and a menu that included:

Herb-butter rubbed fresh organic turkey
Mashed potatoes a la MaBeep (made by my MIL)
Wild mushroom gravy with a dash of port
French bread stuffing with spicy maple sausage, apples, pecans and dried cranberries
Gramma Webster’s Corn Puddin’ (made by friend Mike)
Sauteed green beans with lemon zest and almonds
Brussels Sprouts (MrBeep’s favorite veggie)

for dessert I made a Turtle Pumpkin Pie – thank you to the lovely One Who Understands for the link. I changed the recipe slightly since I like to do things the hard way. I made the graham cracker crust and added roasted pecans to the food processor instead of a pre-made crust. I also made a batch of fresh caramel sauce and added a touch of cognac – oh my gawd eat it with a spoon delicious. I roasted some additional pecans and tossed them in cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg before coating them in caramel. I also don’t like cool whip, so I made my own whipped cream and added a little gelatin for extra stability. The pie turned out fan-freaking-tastic. Here’s a photo:

Now much of the remaining of the turkey and fixin’s were gobbled up the next day with my gaming friends, but we still had some left (I roasted a 22lb bird this year). The carcass and veggies are in the pressure cooker simmering away and making stock. On the menu for tonight is Turkey and Dumplings.

I’ll write about my first OB appointment next week, but I wanted to take a second to express how am thankful I am for all of the obvious things this year, for monsters on board who helped make dinner with me and added a special secret joy to my day. For MrBeep would rub my belly and tell them how much he was looking forward to the dinner they were making. I am also so thankful to have great friends in real life and through the bloggidy world. It felt good to read and catch up with you all this Sunday. There was bad news and some good news but through everything, you all wrote so many amazing stories of courage and grace and joy. Giving thanks to you all and I hope that the rest of the holiday season is one of hope and love.

Words of wisdom - #1

2009-11-24T23:56:00.001-08:00

Pregnant women and cabbage don’t mix.

------------------------------------------------

Off to my first official OB/GYN appointment tomorrow morning…

this
is
gonna
be
weird

My friend Lindsay called to inquire about the results of the ultrasound, she knew how nervous I was that everything was gone. This is what she said…

“So…Scotch or Ginger Ale?”

“Ginger ale” I answered, and she squealed with joy.

Thank you so much for all who have put up with my fears and my ups and my downs and my sideways. It ain’t over, but it is sure nice to breathe again. So far, so good.

Whose got two thumbs and monsters on board?

2009-11-23T14:03:00.001-08:00

<Pointing at herself with thumbs up> THIS GAL!

We got to see DocO today and he was grinning from ear to ear when he saw us in the lobby and gave me two thumbs up. When he arrived in the ultrasound room, he asked me how I was doing and I explained I was nervous due to my loss of symptoms. He looked a little concerned and gently said, “You don’t have to be miserable in order to be pregnant. Let’s have a look.” The date with Wanda had begun. First thing he zoomed in on one and pointed and said “there’s the heartbeat” then he immediately swung around the wand to find the other one and point out the heartbeat, “and that looks good too.” I love that he did that for me. He allayed my fears first thing and then went to do his meticulous measuring. DocO is a very compassionate man and I am so lucky to have been taken care of by him and all the other wonderful people at the practice. The measurements were spot on, these little guys tripled in size in 2 weeks (Wow!). The heartbeats were at 178 and 180 bpm. I am so very happy about all of these good indicators. Go little monsters!

Their duck monster and frog monster likeness has morphed into more shrimp-like beings that look the same. You could see their little arms and feet waving, which was really cool. I got a CD with the images and videos that are fun to watch. There are much monster gesturing and wild party dancing moves going on in there. I think the conversation in the womb must have been something like this…

Most importantly MrBeep was laughing while he watched and was smiling at me and squeezing my hand. I got lots and lots of hugs and kisses for a job well done. I’m so excited, I can’t believe I have to get an OB/GYN now. I have “graduated” from the RE office. Yikes. I’m off to make a bunch of phone calls.

So far so good. Mommy loves you very much and keep waving and monster mashing.

Saturday’s super update

2009-11-21T23:00:00.001-08:00

Everything went great! MrBeep talked to his folks before we left and asked them not to inquire about what is going on in front of others. They totally understood and were fabulous. We got some special smiles and hugs when we arrived, but were otherwise fine. The other folks were so busy talking about their new jobs and asking me about the ordeal with my brother (he's doing fine) that my ladyparts were totally off the radar.

w00t!

We ate some yummy reuben sandwiches, pickles and slaw. I drank a ginger ale and ate many delicious homemade cookies. Then we watched the game. Our team didn't win, but we did enjoy watching the game. At one point I almost got sick. I held my hand over my mouth, breathed deeply and told MrBeep to step aside, but the wave passed. Yay for almost barfing!

Later this evening when MrBeep had his glass of wine, I was sitting next to him getting a hug and suddenly the smell of the wine was soooooo strong and soooooo gross I couldn’t take it and had to leave the room. I asked him if it had spoiled, but he said it tasted just fine.

Wow. I’m grinning from ear to ear. C’mon monsters…make mommy miserable.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Pass the nachos.

2009-11-21T12:53:00.001-08:00

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I tried. Really I did. The advice on when to get my ultrasound basically fell into two categories:

Call RE and schedule ultrasound for Friday, get it off my mind, hopefully MrBeep can make it.
Hang out until Sunday afternoon, MrBeep guaranteed to be there, get answer.

Easy ‘nuff said, right? MrBeep checked his schedule and could make a Friday afternoon appointment if there was one free. I called on Thursday and they were very apologetic, but said they didn’t have any available openings on Friday afternoon at all. Saturday after 11 am was an option for them, but not for me. So Sunday afternoon it would be right? Nope. A RE Nurse called on Friday afternoon and explained that my Sunday appointment would have to be cancelled because DrKAwesome would be busy with procedures all day. Now this may seem odd, but my RE’s office is a smaller practice and the patients who need egg retrievals and transfers done that precise day take precedence over a non-time critical OB ultrasound. This was explained to me before the Sunday appointment was made. I am so happy for those other patients who have gotten to the point of retrieval/transfer that I totally understand. I want them to be really busy with good news, it means they are doing a great job for their patients. I want that success for everyone.

<sigh>

So where does that leave me? I have an appointment on Monday at 11:00 am with DocO for my OB ultrasound, this weekday appointment won’t be cancelled. MrBeep will be there with me and we’ll know for sure what is going on. And here’s the crazy part. I am totally OK with it. I am fine. One day later is one day further along and hopefully we will get good news. The later you see good results the better your chances. My symptoms continue to be minor but steady, so hopefully that is good news and not just progesterone. I skipped out on helping my friend pack and move (she’ll understand when I explain sometime in the future), I will enjoy my time out tonight with wonderful family, great food and fun football (Wolverines vs. Buckeyes…GO WOLVERINES!!!!)

I am smart enough to skirt uncomfortable questions, right? Here I am practicing:

How are things with the cycle? Good.

What’s going on? Y’know. Working on it. Doing all we can. (eyes watching football)

Your friend M had her kid (blah blah details, etc.) That’s great, tell her I said congrats. (eyes watching football)

Do you want a beer? No thanks.

C’mon, its a special brew. Sounds yummy but I’m taking medicine that says no alcohol. I brought delicious Vernor’s ginger ale. Do you want one?

How about a cup of coffee? No thanks. It will keep me up and I’m totally stuffed full.

More digging questions of various uncomfortable kinds. SHUT THE HELL UP! Watch the dang football game. Pass the nachos.

I’m ready. ;-)

Hiding out

2009-11-19T12:02:00.001-08:00

Symptom watch: generally feeling great – tiny bit of breast tenderness and sensitive nips, very minor occasional queasiness, heavy feeling in uterus, slight fatigue. All of these symptoms can be caused by pregnancy or progesterone. A little bit of good news? No spotting whatsoever. I called my mom who said she didn’t really have morning sickness, and never vomited. Maybe a slight upset tummy once and a while but never anything else. I also never get motion sickness in cars, roller coasters, etc. Generally the bigger, faster and spinnier a carnival ride the better for me, so maybe I am just not very susceptible (studies seem to indicate this). However, I am still very edgy since it is the LOSS of symptoms I had in weeks 5-8 rather than their total absence that makes me nervous. The always wonderful MeKate provided an excellent link in one of her comments that did calm my panic. You should absolutely check it out.

Truth is, I’m hiding out. I’m doing everything I can to avoid people I know in real life because I am dreading the question of how things are going with the IVF/How are you feeling *hint, hint*/Any news *wink, wink*. Thanks to the vivid dreams lately, I’ve actually been having nightmares about it. Oh and those vivid dreams can be caused by…ready for it…pregnancy OR progesterone. So does that symptom help me know whether I’m still knocked up or not? No. Gah!

I have a friend hinting to a group of us how she needs help packing for their move to a new home. Normally this is the type of thing that I am right on, but I don’t want to talk about my current status while I am alone with my friend. Oh and did I mention their 10 month old that I would help to babysit during that time? Oh yeah, there’s that too. So the talk would be 100% baby baby baby. Plus, I shouldn’t lift anything heavy, I can’t drink (I know they’ll offer) and they have two cats and I don’t know how much stuff I want to touch. What if they want me to help pack their laundry room where the litter box is located? I know…not likely but would YOU want to do it?

I am supposed to go to a dinner/football thing on Saturday evening. MrBeep’s parents (who we told I was pregnant at 5w4d--that’s another story) will be there and I don’t want to endure any positive hopeful looks while I am feeling like all is lost. MrBeep promised to talk to them about keeping it on the down low. I really want to attend and eat and watch the game, I just wish I could do it undercover. Anyone got some dark sunglasses?

My friend M, who I have mentioned in a 4 part series, should be giving birth at any minute, if she hasn’t already done so. She travelled to a country in Latin America to deliver and I don’t know any news. Honestly, I don’t really want to. The problem is I will see a mutual friend who knows everything at the football thing and will be sure to update me. I can’t stand the idea hearing how one person had their baby while I am thinking I lost mine. I know…I am a total shitty friend.

Also I don’t want be around anyone because I just don’t know what I can say. Yes? No? Maybe? I don’t want to break into tears. I don’t know how to gracefully skirt the question. I just want a couple more weeks to get farther along. I want a little more time to feel confident. I’ll feel much better if there is good news at the Sunday ultrasound (well, duh…of course I’ll feel a bajillion times better). But if that is positive news, then I will get a fetal doppler and give it to MrBeep. He can regulate its use on a freakout/need to know ratio.

A huge part of me thinks I should push for an ultrasound on Friday afternoon, that way I can skip all interaction on the weekend if it is bad news or enjoy the weekend if it is good news. An interesting idea, but I don’t know if MrBeep could be there or if they have any open appointments. I don’t want to get bad news without him there to be with me. Maybe I should just say I’m PUPO, push back these worries and enjoy my Saturday. What would you do?

Subterfuge, dreams and decisions

2009-11-16T13:41:00.001-08:00

First and most importantly, thank you all so much for your information and encouragement. It was a relief to find out that many others have had the *POP* vanishing act of pregnancy symptoms and are still doing OK. I have calmed down a little. I would still prefer to be sick as a dog at this point because hey, that’s what all the storybooks tell you it is supposed to be like. I know that I am unusual. I know that I have always been the bizarre girl standing outside the pack but y’know sometimes I just wanna whine, “I WANT TO BE LIKE ALL THE POPULAR GIRLS!” Well…not really, I do prefer being the geeky oddball surrounded by my own kind. They get my jokes.

I tried a tad bit of personal subterfuge yesterday to trick myself into being queasy or sick. I’ll admit my one slice of toast with PB&J did give me more indigestion than would be normal, so that made me happy. But I thought I could erase all doubt by going out to dinner for a really fancy meal. I figured Murphy’s Law would dictate that after an excellent pricey meal, I would have to hornk it up, right? WRONG. But it sure was gooooooooood. In the month of November we have a tradition in Seattle called “Din.e.Around.Se.attle” where 30 super fancy excellent restaurants have fix-prix menus. For $30 (Sun-Thurs) you get an appetizer, main course and dessert. If you are a local and are drooling, you can read about it here.

We went out to a restaurant called “The Bark.ing F.rog”. It is a lovely place with warm colors, a tantalizing wine selection, and superb food. MrBeep and I got different courses for appetizer and dessert, (I had toasty warm pureed chestnut and apple soup-Mmmmmm) but we both ordered the same main course (don’t freak – the glass is sparkling apple juice).

Lamb Shank & Pappardelle Pasta, Cipollini Onions, Butter Braised Carrots,
Confit Chanterelle Mushrooms, Demi Butter Sauce

Oh, the sauce. THE SAUCE was sooooo unctuous and rich and grab-that-last-piece-of-bread-and-sop-it-all-up-goodness. I was sure it would put me over the edge, but alas, I had to just enjoy my dinner with only the mildest tang of upset tummy afterward. Oh well. Hopefully the monsters just love me too much and are giving me a break, or maybe it is because they’ll want nothing but expensive gourmet chow (take these cheerio’s away Plebian!)

On other good symptoms I was ridiculously tired at 11:30 pm despite sleeping 10 hours the day before. The nips have been mighty tender and the b00bs are, well on again/off again sore. Not as much as right before the symptoms vanished, but not comfortable or normal either. In fact, last night I woke up 4 times to pee (another good sign) and at one point, while lying on my stomach my b00bs hurt sooooooo much that I woke and needed to turn and sleep on my left side. Anyway that is what I THINK happened. I also think that I could have dreamed it. I’m not 100% sure. I’m having these really vivid dreams lately. Also there has still been no spotting whatsoever.

Finally, I made a decision to not call the RE office today to discuss the symptoms disappearing on Friday since maybe they really are waxing and waning. Frankly, there is nothing that they can do to change the outcome at this early stage. I have decided to wait for my next scheduled ultrasound on Sunday afternoon. I will be with MrBeep all day and don’t have to face any people afterwards if the news is bad. And isn’t learning to be patient an excellent lesson for a mom? Maybe I will be lucky. Getting positive news at a later stage (9w2d) is a good sign and maybe I should just try to be myself, IF Optimist, and choose to keep my heart in a place of hope.

On a much better and lighter note, Maddy wins the prize for most clever person in the universe with a post to get you ready for the holidays, The 12 Days of IUI. Dang, that is some funny shite.

I woke up this morning and…

2009-11-14T15:31:00.001-08:00

At 8 weeks and 1 day, all of my pregnancy symptoms have vanished. VANISHED. The boobs feel normal, no queasiness, no headaches, supernose is gone and I went a whole 7 hours through the night without having to get up to pee. My symptoms were slightly lessened yesterday and now today they have disappeared and am I completely freaked out. I woke up MrBeep this morning and told him I thought I wasn’t pregnant anymore and cried and cried and cried. He held me and tried to comfort me, reminded me that we don’t know for sure. We called the RE office, but they were closed. I guess they didn’t have any big procedures today. I will call Monday, maybe by then I will feel better or worse. I just can’t imagine my symptoms disappearing with twins, I thought I would be getting worse by now. I’d much rather have my head in the toilet than feel absolutely fine.

DrGoogle is all over the place. Some folks have had the loss of symptoms and then miscarried, others have had all symptoms disappear and then come back a few days later much worse, some have had them disappear and never return but all worked out just fine. I can’t decide if I should relax or freak. Statistics are all over the place, but some things seem to indicate a 20-25% chance of miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat when you are 40 years and older. There has been no blood, no spotting and no cramping. Part of me thinks that I just can’t be that lucky, to get to the other side, to have hope. The other part of me wonders how they can both die in just a matter of days after the ultrasound. I know both are possible.

Now that I have been up for a few hours my symptoms are (good/bad):

mostly normal boobs with slightly sore nips/soreness could be from me mashing them to check and see if they have changed every 10 minutes
feeling really exhausted, needed nap/this could be from so much crying this morning
slightly upset stomach/feels upset more due to stress and nervousness

Somebody please tell me that I’m crazy and I need to calm down. Somebody please tell me how your symptoms disappeared and the story turned out with a happy ending. Somebody get me a fricking crystal ball.

Guess who’s coming for dinner?

2009-11-12T13:01:00.001-08:00

That’s right. Ginger ale and saltines. I was out shopping for stuff to make spaghetti dinner yesterday. I walked to the back of the store near the butcher counter, they were cooking something that smelled so strong and vile it make me super ill. It was extra super fab to enjoy that smell combined with the perfume of raw meat. Not necessary run-for-the-hills grab-a-paper-bag queasy but “seasick with a touch of too many jalapeños” kind of queasy. Luckily I was able to high tail it to the front of the supermarket, where I was able to purchase some ginger ale (Vernor’s is the best!) and some plain crackers. I may keep a ziplock of crackers in my purse for such emergencies. Gah.

Two days earlier I was in a different supermarket and they had a huge display of apples for sale. All different types. Galas, fujis, honeycrisp, cameo, macintosh, tart green apples, etc. They were gorgeous and looked like the best of fall, but my nose? I could swear I smelled some of the bad apples in the crop. Totally bizarre. Most of my morning sickness reaction is just a fairly constant upset tummy, heartburn and hiccups from time to time. If I eat little meals, or drink milk I am usually OK but even now it feels like I need an alka seltzer.

I told MrBeep about my queasefest and he was very sad and worried. I laughed and tried to tell him that it’s a really good thing. Bring it on! But he just looked at me with those big blue eyes and crumpled up his mouth in sad concern. Husbands are wacky sometimes, but we sure love ‘em.

What the ultrasound saw…

2009-11-09T23:33:00.001-08:00

I won’t tease you, I haven’t really been holding out. My ultrasound appointment was on Sunday at 3:00 p.m. pacific time.

After we went to the RE for the ultrasound, we went for a little grocery shopping and then out to dinner. I had delicious salmon with spicy zesty soba noodles. When we came home, we watched a terrific movie and I went to sleep early because, whew, I am sure tired lately.

I fall asleep sitting in a chair like an 80 year old man.

Can’t imagine why.

And my b00bs are really weighty and sore.

Ain’t that unusual?

Oh and I get a little queasy from time to time.

Guess I need some pepto.

Or…

Maybe….

It’s because of what the ultrasound saw.

That’s right. I’ve got two monsters in here (I photoshopped a little animated GIF to better illustrate what the ultrasound really saw). “A” (who looks like a duck, am I right?) measured fine and had a heartbeat of 150. “B” (totally a little frog) also measured fine (estimated a few days older) and had a heartbeat of 144. DrKAwesome was my RE on Sunday and she also checked out my ovaries and said they were the right size and doing a great job making progesterone.

So wow. Two. We checked them out on 7w2d and are due back for our next ultrasound two weeks from now (Golly, another two week wait? Who woulda thunk it possible?) that will put us at 9w2d and if all is well I will “graduate” to a real OB/GYN. MrBeep has been patting my tummy and grinning at me. I had a perma-grin on Sunday and kept getting all teary-eyed. We keep saying “so far so good”.

Lots of love and good wishes and prayers from people near and far have brought me a long way and have been a comfort to me in difficult and nervous times. It still seems a little unreal, but today I am bursting, full of hope and promises and wishes that may finally come true.

24 and 48 and 72

2009-11-05T17:34:00.001-08:00

In 24 hours I will officially be 7 weeks. In 24 hours I will finally finally be home and alone with MrBeep. Don’t get me wrong, I am glad that I was able to be there for my brother. He is doing much better and will now just need to do things to improve his health. He has stopped smoking and is now taking walks with the kids in the evening. It has been nice to see my SIL, niece and nephews. It has been great spending a few days with my grandparents and parents. It will be a treat tonight to see one of my best friend’s from 7th grade through high school. But really folks, I want to be home. I want to smell the damp earth and listen to the rain. I want to be with my wonderful MrBeep who calls me every day and texts me and makes me so happy but he is far away and it makes me crazy. I miss smiling until my face hurts, I miss laughing so much my sides ache. MrBeep took the day off and will pick me up from the airport. Yay!

In 48 hours I will be settled in at home, with all my travels washed away. I will have snuggled and snoozed with MrBeep. I will have walked in the last remnants of fall colors. I will have caught up on some film work and web stuff. I will have enjoyed a game night with my pals. I will have been able to cook a dinner in my own kitchen with my own things. My life will once again begin to return and surround me. My mind can begin to return to a place of peace from all this chaos.

In 72 hours I will have some news. I will have seen what is going on first hand. I will have some information. I am scheduled for an ultrasound at the RE office on Sunday at 2:30 p.m. They say I can call on Saturday to see if they have any openings so perhaps I can find out sooner if possible. I hope to get an appointment on Saturday, but Sunday will do. It feels like it taking so long to find out, even though it will have only been an extra week. I am getting terrified of disappointment. I am so close to starting a new path on my journey to a family of my own. I am curious and nervous and scared and excited. I hope it is good news. In less than 72 hours I will know.

Happily Halfway Home

2009-11-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

I flew back from Florida with my brother very early on Friday morning. I managed to get a H1N1 flu shot from the county health dept folks (who were so nice to appreciate my situation and offer to help). I received the shot on Tues afternoon so I felt much better flying on Friday. I was still extra careful in washing my hands and using sanitizer. My brother is doing much better and is able to walk around on his own. He had to take a break while walking from one terminal area to the other at the Houston airport, but otherwise made the trip without problems. His wife and kids were really happy to see him returned safely. He wore compression stockings during the flight, got up and walked around and also did leg exercises. I managed on the last day and during the flights home to get him hooked on Heroes Season 1. I also got a nephew hooked.

I feel out of touch as blogger was blocked by the hospital wifi and I have spent the last 2 days in the wifi void at my grandparents house. I am currently typing this entry on my Palm Pre cell phone, so please forgive any blatant errors. I plan to fly home to Seattle on Friday. I will ask for an appointment with DocO first thing since I had to cancel my first ultrasound that was supposed to be today. :-( I am sooooo curious and anxious to find out what is happening and whether or not I am still pregnant. I think I am. Here's the symptom list:

* Occasionally very sore boobs
* Slightly darker hue/sensitive nipples
* Weighty full feeling in uterus
* Crazy tired falling asleep in a chair even after 8 hours sleep

I've had no spotting or total loss of symptoms. Part of me would feel better if I had some nausea spells, and I have felt a little queasy from time to time but it has always been after I ate way too much or made a bad combination choice. So I dunno. However I am only 6w3d. I hope to soon regret ever typing my barf envy -- but I don't mean YOU Invitro Veritas. All kidding aside, I hope you are feeling better sweetie. I hope I will be able to catch up very soon. Sending love and IF Optimist vibes of support and hope to all on the four winds.

Many improvements

2009-10-26T23:58:00.001-07:00

My brother is getting much better. He is young and strong and recovering quickly. He has been able in the last few days to get up and walk around the pulmonary ward. We are waiting for his blood work to come up to the levels that the doctors would prefer before being released, so he is still in the hospital. He was able to shower and shave today and was taken off of supplementary oxygen all day long. We hope he will be released on Tuesday and we will try to fly back some time on Friday, taking things in short 2-3 hour trips with a 2 hour layover in between.

I’m glad to be here supporting my brother, but I would really love to be home, where it is fall and the leaves are orange and red and yellow. I asked my brother today, “Why couldn’t you get sick in late November or February when I am fed up with all of the rain and the short days? Why did you have to do it during my favorite part of fall? I insist that you don’t do this again.” He agreed. We’ve been having fun playing cards and watching TV and movies.

I got the seasonal flu vaccine on Sunday and have arranged to get the H1N1 some time on Tuesday. The local health department was very understanding of my situation.

I miss MrBeep very much. He checks on me and the monsters, he sends me texts and emails and photos. Today I got this one with the message “lovely clouds for a lovely girl”.

The water is Puget Sound. How I miss the smell of wet mossy earth, I miss my MrBeep.

Family & flights & Florida & flushots and…Fluck

2009-10-24T23:11:00.001-07:00

Things with me and the monsters are so far so good from what I can tell. No spotting, no major symptoms other than very sore breasts and nipples and sometimes feeling a tugging or tightness or “muscle pull” from mah ladybizness when I turn over in bed in a weird way or twist my body around in an unusual manner. Today is 5w1d. 1 week and three days until the official first-look ultrasound, but oh wait…didn’t I tell you about my insane horrible week?

The week was going along relatively fine, the film production was crazy but pretty stable. Some fires being put out on a daily basis, but no majorly “out of control, evacuate the area” scenarios. We achieved a pretty nice balance between me and the Associate Producer to make things easier on this “newly pregnant woman” when I got a phone message first thing Thursday morning from my SIL. My brother had complained of shortness of breath while on a business trip in Florida, he was being rushed to the local emergency room. By the time I picked up the message and talked to my mom, dad and sister-in-law the doctors diagnosed what happened. He had a pulmonary embolism. Due to a very long time sitting at the airport and on the plane, a blood clot formed in his leg. A couple of days later, while he was out on a business trip in Florida, the clots dislodged and traveled through his heart and into both lungs. It has bruised his heart and caused so much obstruction in his lungs he can barely breathe. I found out the details of his condition at 11:15 am.

My brother is married and has 4 kids ranging in age from 8 to 15. His wife, while she wanted to come out to be with him, needs to be home and take care of the kids. My mom is on kidney dialysis and can't travel, my dad just had an operation on his elbow and also has to take care of my mom. It's just me and my brother. We don’t have any other siblings.

I discussed options with MrBeep, who is very nervous about me travelling across the country, going through airports, hanging out in hospitals, etc. while being pregnant during flu season. We weighed the pros and cons and discussed how my brother would require an escort to return to LA. In the end we decided that I would go and try to be as careful as I possible. I was on the plane from Seattle to Miami at 1:15 pm. I arrived that evening 10:00 pm EST, grabbed a rental car and drove another couple of hours out her where I currently type. Naples, FL.

My brother is awake and mentally perfect. My brother (MrBeep calls him “The Bro-ham”) is typically very healthy and as strong as a horse, now he can barely walk from his hospital bed to the bathroom and back without almost passing out due to lack of oxygen. He is really scared and before I got here was totally alone in a place where we have no friends or family. I am so glad that I was able to come out and give him some companionship and comfort. The doctors are doing everything they can, but it is very frightening that you could be fine one minute and in a dire situation the next.

While I am here I am checking into getting both the seasonal and the H1N1 flu shots, but can’t find the H1N1 in the county so far. The local “help” line isn’t very helpful at all, the operator bordered on moronic. I explained I was from far away, didn’t have a doctor or clinic and asked how I would find out who had the vaccine. She suggest that I visit a website that I explained I had already read and it gave no locations. She suggested that I listen to the radio, but had no idea what station, etc., then she gave me a number for the county health department that was so old, it had a number change recording. I will try to talk to my brother’s doctor tomorrow, but from what one of the floor nurses said, it sounds like even the staff at the hospital has not yet received vaccination for H1N1. In another week I’m going to have to travel through 3 additional airports before heading back to Seattle. I would really prefer to be vaccinated well before I have to travel again.

I have so much more to say, but I am so very tired…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. *snort* WHA? Eh fluck, I’m off to sleep. More on H1N1 and pregnancy tomorrow. G’night.

2nd beta – may I have a drumroll please

2009-10-20T15:07:00.001-07:00

bbbrrrbbbbrrrrbbbbrrrrrbbrrrrbbbrrrr (this is my written version of the sound a drumroll makes, pretty good eh? Can you hear it in your head? You’re welcome.)

Nurse Sarah called a little while ago and was being a smidge teasingly evasive, I said “Hey, girlfriend pony up the number” and then she said, “well, we are typically looking a beta number to double, your previous was 565 and your number today is…

2014.9 – Yay Monsters!

and that, dear Traci is what we call ‘Robust’. You should have been here at the office when we got your results on Saturday. There was a huge WOOP in the reception area that went all around the office. Those who weren’t in on Saturday immediately logged in on Monday asking, if Traci was pregnant.” She asked me if MrBeep told me the story of how she told him of the positive on Saturday.

“No, he didn’t, but he is a guy.”

“True enough” said Sarah “when I called on Saturday afternoon I asked for you and he said, ‘I’m sorry but she’s taking a nap right now.’ I said, we’ll that makes sense because that’s what pregnant women do. Then there was a beat and he said, ‘Really?’ and I told him the good news of the 1st beta number.” She also asked me if I wanted to know what the number meant and I said, “Twins?” and she said it’s very likely. Whew. We’ll find out when I have my first ultrasound. It is scheduled for the afternoon of Nov. 2nd. That day will officially be considered 6w3d.

I told MrBeep who was grinning over the phone and so very happy about the news. I’m over the moon and relieved and hopeful and how many days away is Nov. 2nd? Oh yeah, it’s a 2WW. Why does that seem so familiar?

Monsters a go-go

2009-10-17T15:25:00.001-07:00

It’s official.

Monster 1, or 2 or 3 or some combo snuggled in.

Beta #1 today (10dp5dt) was…

565!

The RE office says that they usually look for that number to be in the above a hundred range. This is so far very good news. It could mean that they snuggled in right away. That is a good thing too. I can’t believe the first thing on my checklist to have a family, after 5 long years, is finally done.

Step 1: Get Pregnant. CHECK.

I know it’s just the beginning and there are a million things that can go wrong or cause worry, but today I am just going to be happy. Love love love to all monsters out there both great and small.

Magic and miracles

2009-10-17T10:34:00.001-07:00

From the bottom of my heart, and the top of my head, and the deepest reaches of my soul…

Thank you

Thank you so much for the good thoughts and prayers from yesterday. I think they worked magic and miracles. No matter what happens today, your comments and support helped set my mind at ease, my panicked self was calmed.

I woke up at 8:15 a.m. checked the *ahem* and no more pink. I only got a little bit after a couple of checks last night after The Freakout that turned from a hint of pink to a hint of brown. Maybe the prometrium tablet irritated my insides? I was just heading off to the set and found the pink and I lost it. It was just a little too perfect for the timing, y’know? Yesterday was the first day AF was due to arrive and I am NEVER late. I was getting those strange crampy symptoms right before the bitch comes for her visit. All the tenderness in my breasts had suddenly disappeared. It was all too much a coincidence, hence the freakout. I knew it wasn’t implantation bleeding since that can happen roughly 2-5 days after transfer. Friday was 9dp5dt.

I had my awesome assistant Mike take over production/location management yesterday (he knows what is going on with me and gave me a big hug and told me to go home and take care of myself). It was a very good idea because the gaffer and grip team showed up 2 hours late (just as I was leaving). I had gotten into a minor argument with the Director of Photography and the 1st AD the day before about their scheduling.

Me: Why is the lighting team scheduled on the call sheets at the same time as everyone else? They are often late and take the longest to set up. I understand that they are pros and set up in a very reasonable amount of time given the complexity of what they do, but dangit. Many times we are waiting on them and don’t start shooting ‘til 3-4 hours after call time. Why aren’t they scheduled an hour earlier? The actors who are getting here on time are pissed (justifiably so).

Their answer: No they aren’t late and never hold up production. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Me in my brain yesterday: (2.5 hours after call time while the grip team is barely unloading) HA! Suck it gentlemen! Enjoy your late night, a-holes. I’m audi 5000.

I dropped off some legal paperwork, got a little footage for the behind the scenes the documentary, and was on my way.

I came home and relaxed with MrBeep who calmed me and reassured me and made me feel a ton better. He told me “don’t give up” and “stay positive for the monsters” and “you don’t know just yet” combined with his smile and his eyes and my heart was soothed. How do they do that? Love is so many things and I am lucky to know it…and MrBeep.

Today is a very very rainy day (even for Seattle). I ~~hydroplaned~~ drove to the RE’s office this morning and gave my blood. In that tiny vial it is my Answer. Our Answer.

Dammit

2009-10-16T16:50:00.001-07:00

I just got pink on the tissue after my bathroom break. AF is technically due any day. Tomorrow is the blood test to be sure, but this can’t be good. I have to go to the set and I really don’t want to be around any of these people. I’m talking to someone and bailing for tonight, I’m sick of babysitting these idiots. I just want to be in a dark room. I just want to be alone with MrBeep. Fuck.

Feeling nervous and vulnerable

2009-10-14T14:29:00.001-07:00

I’m going crazy. I finally got a morning off from the madness of the film shooting and production problem solving and I lost it. I woke up this morning so nervous about the results. My symptoms are few. Breasts are only slightly tender, with the feeling of heavyness and pressure – but that may be the prometrium. Nipples are alternately completely normal and then sticking out like gumdrops, sensitive like crazy.

What. The. Hell.

After you have had a couple of uterine surgeries your mind can hone in on the feeling of your uterus inside your body and mine seems different, weighty, achy, more crampy on 2dp5dt and 3dp5dt and a little wiggly and crampy afterward…but hell that could be the prometrium, PMS, bad craft services food chowed down at 2am while you wait the next camera/lighting setup. Whothehellknows.

Filming is exciting, frustrating, chaotic, maddening. In addition to being the producer, I am also the assistant editor, so I have been capturing the daily footage onto my quad-core mac. It looks great. The direction is awesome, the lighting and camera superb, the actors sublime. You can get updates and become a fan on face.book. Send me an email ifoptimist-at-gmail and I can give you the link. I think you’ll be able to figure out which one of the fans is me. There are other aspects of being a first-time producer that are too stressful and these creative types along some flakiness and poor communication skills are driving me crazy. These people are not like IT computer geeks. There is too much that feels like herding cats. Am I complaining? Are you ready to bitch-slap me? I should shut the hell up.

I have had some good questions on comments I’d like to address here.

How old are you?
I am 40. I will be 41 in December. It is a shitty and scary place to be for IF’ers. Kind of the last chance saloon before the statistics really beat you emotionally into a bloody pulp.

When is beta day?
It was going to be Friday, but I pushed it to Saturday. We have no filming that day and I want to be alone with MrBeep no matter what the news.

Are you going to POAS?
I was going to do it today and then dug around my cupboards and had no peesticks. I thought about buying one to know early for sure, but we decided to just wait for the bloodtest. It is more sensitive and I can’t play that hope/no hope game.

Did any others make it to freeze?
I actually don’t know this. I have been playing phone tag with the RE nurse for days (my fault). I suspect it is bad news since they didn’t just leave a message with the number, but who knows what their standard operating procedure is for these things.

While I have every reason to be hopeful, I still think I am due for a long road of heartache. I just can’t believe I will be one of the lucky ones. I don’t know if it is a coping mechanism or what. The Ache and The Empty overpowered me today and I had to talk to MrBeep. I am so nervous and vulnerable. I don’t want to give up on hope. I want to have a happy ending. I want my share of magic too. I’ve got 3 more days to go. I need to calm down. I can make it. Thanks for your support. I love you all. BIG BREATH. **Whew**

It all started with a snuggle…

2009-10-12T06:26:00.001-07:00

Wednesday was scheduled for my day 5 embryo transfer. I made it and was soooooo happy that morning. I started in my favorite way…with a snuggle. This time I decided this time to skip the pre-transfer acupuncture session and traded that time for extra hugs and calm assurances. MrBeep is a snugglebug and this makes me a very very happy girl indeed.

I brought all the magic juju I could think of. Naturally I had on my wedding ring, but on my other hand I wore my great-grandmother’s ruby cluster ring. On my neck I wore my grandmother’s locket she gave me to wear on my wedding day. My grandpa gave it to her when they were dating, over sixty years ago. I also wore a jade and gold necklace my mom gave me. I picked it out for her on a visit to San Francisco when I was about 7 years old. I always loved that necklace and she gave it to me as a wedding gift. I wore her mother’s earring in one ear and JJ’s earring in the other ear. Counting my wedding ring, it was 4 generations of luck on one side of the family and three generations on the other. I even wore my favorite nifty socks. ;-) After morning prep, ensuring full bladder uncomfortability stage and popping a happy pill, I was whisked off headed to the RE’s office.

We arrived and were greeted by the staff with many wishes of good luck I slipped into a sexy hospital gown number and was covered with warm blankets. I love the warm blankets. MrBeep got to wear pretty blue scrubs. FYI - Many aspects were similar to last time in terms of how an embryo transfer is performed, the prep and procedure. If you are curious, you can read about it in my prior post, “Showin’ and Tellin’ about my little monsters.”

We relaxed in the room a while when DrKAwesome stopped by to give us the embryologist’s report. All six embryos were still alive at day 5 and they had 3 who were in the best shape and a little farther along in development. They had successfully reached the early blastocyst stage. As a review, we got 18 eggs, out of those 14 were mature and 10 fertilized normally using ICSI. At day 3 6 looked pretty good, so they decided to go for a day 5 transfer, my RE office generally only does this if 5 or more are looking good. You may ask, why is keeping track of how embryos are doing is important? There have been very specific studies at Stanford University that look the likelyhood of getting pregnant on an IVF cycle.

The researchers found that four factors—total number of embryos, number of eight-cell embryos, percentage of embryos that stopped dividing and would die, and the woman’s follicle-stimulating hormone level, a measurement that estimates ovarian function—were most important in determining a woman’s chance of becoming pregnant. The four together were 70 percent accurate in predicting whether the current IVF cycle would result in a pregnancy.

The researchers also found that these four factors were more predictive than any single measure of the actual transferred embryo(s). An individual embryo could meet all the criteria for a transfer, but if the IVF cycle produced a small number of embryos, few eight-cell embryos and a high percentage of embryos that stopped dividing, the woman’s chance of getting pregnant could actually be quite low.

“If you talk with IVF patients or doctors, they wouldn’t be surprised” to hear that the quality of all embryos in a cycle—not just the transferred one—matters, Yao said. “But it’s important to go beyond intuition and to prove it scientifically, in order to move the field forward.”

You can find the full article here. http://med.stanford.edu/news_releases/2008/july/IVF.html. I know this is not 100% sure, but it does a lot to put my mind and heart at ease during the 2WW. Many of my ladies already know this, but after 40 this becomes an even scarier notion. It is a big indicator of whether you will be refused/discouraged to use your own eggs and move on to donor. I have no problem with donor. I think the idea is fabulous and I am so happy it is an option for my friends and maybe some day for me down the road, but I wanted at least one good cycle. At least one good try before giving up on my own DNA. I would have made me very sad to have lost the race the minute after I stepped out of the gate. It also made me feel a lot better to know that even if this doesn’t work, we have a protocol that works well for my body. I didn’t want to be out of options there either.

We discussed a few issues with DrKAwesome and then decided (due to my age) to transfer….

(wait for it)

(can you feel the tension?)

♥♥♥ 3 ♥♥♥

That’s right my wonderful bloggidy friends. I’ve got 3 lil’ blasty monsters baking away in here. After the transfer, we went home. I rested in bed and got more happy warm snuggles. Later in the evening MrBeep treated me to one of my favorite restaurants. I had, as a tribute to my day with soo many people being up in my ladybusiness, spaghetti alla puttanesca. “How is the whore’s crotch?” MrBeep would ask me. “Simply Divine” I would answer and we laughed and laughed.

So c’mon my little monsters. I know your journey has been long and hard.

Snuggle in.

Said by the girl who was running past at 90 mph

2009-10-09T08:51:00.001-07:00

Things are VERY GREAT…much to tell…happy happy happy…indie feature filming started two days ago…producing movies is crazy but fun…life is crazy but fun…behind the scenes documentary is fun…will update you all tonight…love + hugs + magic to you all. OXXO

-- IF Optimist

Excuse me while I pick my jaw up from the floor

2009-10-05T11:54:00.001-07:00

I got the call this morning at 9:30 a.m. The wonderful RE nurse Katie told me that the embryologist looked today and we have 6 grade 3 or higher embryos still going strong in the lab and they are pushing us to a Day 5 transfer on Wednesday.

I’m so happy I can’t really express it in words. This means the drug protocol worked this time. It means that maybe we’ve got a chance. It means that hope is beautiful and bakes cookies and says you are its best friend. I’ll get an update later today on when we we are scheduled for Wednesday.

Houston, we are go for blast.

The story of “MrBeep” – **Fert update

2009-10-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

A few folks have asked from time to time about how MrBeep got his name. I wanted to save this story for a special day. Since my egg retrieval was today at 9:30 am and we got…

18 eggs!!!

**FERTILIZATION REPORT UPDATE
I got an update on the eggs. We indeed retrieved 18 eggs, of those 14 (WOW!) were mature. 10 fertilized normally with ICSI (we have to do ICSI due to our male factor). I am scheduled for a egg transfer on Monday at 11:00 am. We’ll find out if that gets pushed to a 5 day transfer on Monday.**

I think it is due time to warrant a very special story. It all started after I began to read many of my bloggidy friend’s posts. There were stories of their husband, significant other, special somebody, etc. and many have some really excellent and clever names for their dear heart loves. Here’s a short list (in no particular order)

The Life of Liv has “Marvy”
mekate has “My darlin’”
MrsGamgee has “Beloved”
Sprogblogger has “The Boy”
Beautiful Mess has “Dirty”
Phoebe has “Magic”
JJ has “Mook”

Now maybe my friends do have counterparts whose actual Christian names are indeed “Dirty” and “Mook” and “Boy” and “Magic”. Heck “Prince” is his real name. But my guess was that these are names beautifully invented by highly amusing and intelligent women. I am a poseur and wanted to have a nifty name for my husband too. I wracked my feeble brain for a while until I remembered an amusing tidbit that made me think…I’ve got it! MrBeep!

OK. Let me explain. Our house has 3 stories (a walk-out basement, main level and 2nd floor). Sometimes when you are looking for a person, they are sort of hard to find. You call out, “Hello?” and they say something like “I’m here” and you still can’t quite pinpoint the location/floor due to the foyer causing a bit of an echo. So one day I called out “Where are you…Beeeeeeep?” when looking for my husband and he replied “BEEP!” We kept beeping at each other every few seconds like sonar pings until I found him. Now we just call out in sonar beeping, even when we just want to get the other person’s attention to come into our current room for a smootch. When I told him I named him MrBeep he absolutely loved it. He also pointed out his initials are in the name. Every now and then he’ll look at me and smile and say, “You named me MrBeep” and bust out laughing.

There ends the tale of how he was named MrBeep.

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On other fronts, I enjoyed a delicious cup of morrocan mint tea with a delightful sesame snack over at Clare’s for the Mad IFers Tea Party. Here was her kind quote: “let me pour you a glass of Moroccan mint tea to go with that. And here's one for you too, IF Optimist oh and a sweet sesame snack. IF Optimist is very happy to be here drinking tea with us all. Did you know she and her husband just celebrated their 2 year wedding anniversary? Congratulations!”

MrBeep and I wanted to say a big “Thank You!” to all of my bloggidgy friends who wished us well for (as Wiseguy perfectly put it) Anniversary Release date 2.0. Way to go on the geekspeak Wiseguy!

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I’ll find out more tomorrow on how many of those 18 eggs are mature and fertilized. I must say that I am very happy with the results so far. Man, do my ovaries feel achy (but that is another story for another day.)

Anniversary and updates

2009-09-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was MrBeep’s and my anniversary. We’ve been married for two years, but we have been together for over fourteen. We decided to have the ceremony and “make it official” because we were seriously going for help in making our family. We had our ceremony in the local state park in a grove covered with trees and surrounded by ferns. Here is a picture of us after the ceremony, walking from the fern grove to the reception building. My dress was green and the top had gold and copper embroidery. It was hand made by a local shop in Bellevue, WA. We are both so glad we got hitched because we have an official day where we enjoyed a big party with a small group of our favorite friends and family. We both decided amid the planning that we didn’t want a wedding cake because most wedding cake isn’t very good…and really…when it comes right down to it. Wouldn’t you rather have pie? We love pie. We had a wedding pie.

A pear and almond tart, it was fun and yummy and topped with Penguins in Love

Last year, I came up with a system for our anniversary. We both decided was a fun idea.

MrBeep is in charge of odd year anniversary celebrations (1, 3, 5, 7, 9…)
I am in charge of even year anniversary celebrations (2, 4, 6, 8, 10…)

If the anniversary date falls on a Friday, Saturday, Sunday or Monday we make a mini-vacation out of it. If the date falls on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday then we have a little evening of dinner or a movie. Last year MrBeep selected a weekend in Portland, OR. This year I chose to go out to a restaurant in Seattle called Bizzarro. We shared the best risotto I have ever enjoyed. It was served with a seared duck breast. We also had some hand-made pasta with Bolognese. Dessert was strawberry and balsamic vinegar ice-cream. Mmmmmmmmm. We both had a really fun time and we love new eating adventures. I’m very lucky to have such a great best friend and love in MrBeep. I am a better person for meeting and knowing him he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Cycle status update: Sorry for the delay in reporting what is going on with me and eggs and the cycle. I have been swamped with a new cool film project. I promise to write about that another time. Tuesday we hadn’t quite made it so we waited another day. Today I went in to see DocO for an ultrasound and blood work. Ultrasound finally revealed enough follicles over 19mm to go for trigger. I have 16 follicles measuring above 10mm on with a half dozen smaller ones around for good measure. DocO thinks we may get 10 or 11 good sized ones out of the bunch given their current size. My E2 level was 2585 so we have some going on for sure. MrBeep mixed my trigger shot while I watched and we took it at 9:30 pm. We are scheduled for egg retrieval on Friday morning. WOWZER!

Simply stimulating my dear

2009-09-27T01:51:00.000-07:00

Things are moving along, time is rushing by. I enjoyed a blood letting and coochie cam extravaganza at 7:45 am on a Saturday morning. Boy, did I love getting up that early, lemme tell ya. No coffee, eyes barely open. I let MrBeep sleep in and keep the bed nice and warm for my return. DrKAwesome checked me out and declared my endometrium “nice and thick” which I will assume is OK. Then she checked both ovaries and started measuring follicle sizes. Lefty was in a funny position and hiding, but we measured 6 follicles at 8 – 12 mm. Righty measured 8 follicles at 8-12 mm too. So it looks like the growth is pretty even. There are no cysts or follicles measuring way ahead of the rest of the bunch. My E2 numbers are at 598, so that went up nicely from two days ago (221). My meds have stayed steady since the beginning of the stim cycle so I think that is good too. I am nervous about these things because last cycle we ran into drug issues so hopefully that won’t be the case this time. So far it seems things are working OK. (Knock on wood)

MrBeep is so wonderful. He prepares my meds every morning and evening while I watch (as an added quality assurance check). Sometimes we mix it up and I mix/prep the injections while he verifies the protocol (I know, we’re wild like that!) He refuses to ever just prep the meds like last time, he has to double-check the doctor’s website to make sure that none of the medications or dosages have changed. He’s thorough and very scientific. I highly recommend having that quality assurance checker, it really helps make you feel like you’ve done everything right and no important steps were forgotten, plus you get the added bonus of hugs and kisses on a job well done.

I was a good girl and finished the rest of my boring work that I was procrastinating on today. I think writing about it to y’all embarrassed me enough to finally get it done. Now hopefully I can move on to a few more things that are fun or at least mildly interesting, like cleaning my desk and doing bills…or maybe I will just go for a walk in the sun.

What’s the buzz? Tell me whatsa happenin’

2009-09-24T23:17:00.000-07:00

I’ve been on the micro-dose lupron protocol officially since Sunday. I took small doses of lupron (.1 cc ) in the morning and evening on Sunday and Monday. Then I had a quick ultrasound check on Monday to make sure the aspirated cyst was indeed gone and

WOOO HOOO it was nice and flat and deflated. Both ovaries are showing no cysts and 10-15 follicles each, so hopefully I’ll have a “good crop”. On Tuesday I continued the morning micro-dose of lupron but added a 375 unit dose of gonal-f. In the evening I take another dose of lupron and 150 units of menopur. That makes me stimming now for a couple of days. I had no idea how I was doing until today when I had my first blood draw. My E2 level is at 225, which I am told is good. I go back for a (ugh!) 7:45 am appointment on Saturday to get another blood draw and an ultrasound. Hopefully these eggs are baking along quite nicely. Every day I take a prenatal vitamin along with a RE recommended low-dose aspirin -- my belly is black and blue from the injections and thin blood. MrBeep looks at me, sticks out his lower lip and pouts on my behalf. Then I get kisses and hugs and words of encouragement. The menopur stings sometimes but other times it doesn’t at all. I couldn’t tell you why.

On the “other parts of my life” front I am not accomplishing as much daily as I would like, but that’s just the way the cookie crumbles around here. I need to finish a tremendously boring aspect of what I am doing right now and I know I’m procrastinating. I’m getting just enough done to avoid total embarrassment…but it’s really not good enough. I need to just get the damned thing out of the way. Maybe tomorrow I will put my nose to the grindstone and not be distracted by…hey, look a shiny thing in the corner of my eye <wander>.

On more creative fronts, I received final copies of four Japanese children’s stories I helped rewrite with my friend and his mother. My friend’s mother produces and records audiobooks in Japanese for the blind. This year they decided to do some classic children’s folk tales with readings in both Japanese and English. I received the first draft of four different stories from the Japanese version and rewrote them to add dialog and fix some of the awkwardness from the original transcripts. I listened to the finished CDs for the first time on Wednesday and it was really fun. They have asked me to do four more stories in the next few months. Yay for fun and creative stuff to do!

Spa goodness & pole dancing partytime

2009-09-21T23:45:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note to thank everyone for their great comments and sense of humor on my posts. The aspiration was quick and I really felt 100% the next day. It sounds much worse than it is.

My girlfriend Alli was having her bachelorette party on Saturday and we started with the local Korean Spa. For $35 you can hang out in the rooms and sauna and pools all day long. I decided to get a scrub and a massage.

It was freaking fabulous.

Really, it was heaven on a plate. You should check out the spa tour photos. What a great and relaxing transition to our crazy party evening that included learning to dance on a stripper pole/lingerie house party. Everything was going along really well when a “police officer” showed up and broke up the party. He insisted on arresting our lovely bachelorette. Somehow whilst the handcuffs were applied all of his clothes fell off. I got it enjoy the whole thing without the advantage of alcohol goggles. I did make sure be the awesome friend who holds your hair back, assures you everything will be OK and tucks you into bed when you are able to crawl back into the house.

I got home at 4am on Sunday and rolled very tiredly into bed. I started my protocol and took a micro-dose injection of lupron at 8am in the morning and then stumbled back into bed for several more hours. Tomorrow I start stims. All is going well. I don’t seem to have any adverse reactions (knock wood)…well actually my butt hurts from too many hours of dancing in high heels. ;-)

How was YOUR weekend?

Be careful what you wish

2009-09-18T08:49:00.001-07:00

Awhile back, it seems live forever-and-a-day ago, I wrote in a post called, “Are you kidding me?” that I had a cyst on my right ovary and it seemed to be caused (rather than prevented) by the birth control pills I was taking for the start of my IVF #2 protocol. In the post I joked about someone coming over to punch me in the ovary to pop the bastard, but alas…no one came over to try. So I had to wait it out for the danged thing to disappear on its own. Next cycle it seemed fine. Righty had no large follicles. I started birth control pills and again, this time 9 days later, I had a nice juicy cyst on the right ovary. Just big enough to cause problems. After the ultrasound I joked with DocO and said, “OK Doc. How about you just punch me as hard as you can in the ovary and we’ll see if we can pop it. Think that will work?” Honestly he looked a bit surprised, realized I was joking and said back, “Well, there have been no scientific papers published on that method. We could try to start a study, but I think it would be very difficult to find volunteers.” We laughed and I agreed to try it their way, all science-y and proven and get the cyst aspirated.

I got my favorite ladydoc for this procedure, DrKAwesome. The cyst aspiration prep is similar to egg retrieval. You undress, get into a gown, booties, hat. They put yummy warm blankets on you and get an IV going and shoot you full of some happy drugs that are quite similar to having 2 double-martinis. Did I mention that I’m a happy drunk? When the proper amount of loopyness sets in, they wheel you into the procedure room. First you scoot onto the fancy mega stirrup table. Then you get a “WHOA good morning!” wake up call from a cold speculum and a special ultrasound wand with a retractable needle attachment is welcomed into the party. DrKAwesome used the ultrasound image to line up the cyst and

***WHAM!**** punched me in the ovary

…or at least that is what it felt like. Unluckily for me, stubborn ole righty shifted and rolled a bit during the punch (it was bobbing and weaving like a champ). DrKAwesome had to do it a total of 3 times to get that bastard popped. It felt exactly like getting punched multiple times in the ovary. Luckily it is only uncomfortable for a brief time, there is a minute amount of bleeding (like a 1/2 tsp) and then you are given yummy crackers and sent home. Afterwards you get to watch as much TV as you want and fall asleep on the couch and have MrBeep take you out for delicious Pho because it’s your pick for dinner. Mmmmmmmm spicy beefy noodly soupy goodness.

So, um, yeah…being punched in the ovary? Don’t ask for that and don’t joke about that, OK?

High aspirations

2009-09-16T20:18:00.001-07:00

Sorry I am writing so late. I swear I am not doing this to build for dramatic tension. I went in this morning for my blood work and follicle ultra sound and…

flucking
cyst
was
bigger

That’s right folks. Now that I took a couple of extra days of birth control pills it has made the cyst a tiny bit bigger, by about a millimeter. Nice huh? DocO said that they would need to get the labs back and discuss options in their noon meeting. They said that they would call and let us know whether they recommend delaying or aspirating the cyst. I waited forever, then fell asleep on the couch when the phone rang at 4:15 p.m. It was MrBeep wanting to know what the plan was. I called the RE office and talked to Katie (I was next to call on her list, grumble grumble). My E2 is even better (staying nice and low). The plan is that I am going in tomorrow for a cyst aspiration about noon. It is similar in prep to an egg retrieval and I have to get IV’ed and doped up a bit. MrBeep will need to drive me home and be there in case I have any bad reactions to the medicine.

After the aspiration, the plan is for me to start injecting micro-dose lupron starting on Sunday. Finally, FINALLY I get to do something.

There is so much going on right now. mekate is going for egg retrieval tomorrow, K was retrieved today and should get her egg/fert report soon, Megan is holding out for a day 5 transfer hopefully on Friday, Pie is starting MDL a couple of days ahead of me (cycle buddy!), The Infertile Breeder (my friend from resolve boards) just got back a good 2nd beta after a first one that was a little scary. Mad Hatter has given the finger to doctors who didn’t believe in the power of her ovaries and ovulated on her own. She is currently in the 2WW.

Sprogblogger got heartbreaking news today, Shannon is remembering a sad anniversary, Sarah had devastating news this week too. Please go give them all some support and love.

The universe is expanding, galaxies are spinning. We are all along for the ride. Love and hugs and magic sending out on the night’s wind and through the Seattle rain to you all.

I have a comment…fluck

2009-09-14T23:59:00.000-07:00

I went in this morning for my suppression check. I finished the last of my 9 days of birth control pills on Sunday morning and this was The Big Day…and…we found another cyst. It is borderline in size and may be on its way out. I told DocO and the nurse I was feeling pains and pangs on my right side for several days about 2-3 days ago but things have quieted down for the most part. Those pains have gone away, but there was still a cyst on the ultrasound. I asked, “it’s on the right side, correct?” Nurse Sara was surprised and said, “That’s right. You’re just like the princess and the pea, aren’t you?” “Yeah, I am by now” I told her. It’s funny how much this ride can make you in tune with your insides.

So I’m a great IVF patient on paper. My lab results came back great…again. I am well suppressed, the cyst doesn’t seem to be causing an estrogen spike. My E2 is at a nice low 37. My FSH is 8.1. I have 10-15 follicles on each ovary (yeah, we’re talking like 20-30 eggs percolating in there gals). There is so much to raise my hopes, so many good things that hint at a great start, but here come the cysts in to make my princess bed all lumpy and uncomfortable. <sigh>

So here’s the current plan, I took another birth control pill today and will do so for 2 more days. I am supposed to go back on Wednesday for another ultrasound, and hopefully the cyst will measure smaller and we can get this show on the road. If it is unchanged or bigger..well I dunno. I guess I’ll have to lay on that bed after I make it. Peas and all.

I was reading and commenting today and I got a word verification that summed up my thoughts on this exactly…

Yes ladies and germs…fluck, which could mean what we think of first or the optimist in me says it can be a compound word for follicle and luck, which is exactly what I need right now.

Fabulous Fotography Friday

2009-09-11T23:25:00.000-07:00

Status Me: 2 more pills to go. Getting some mild pangs in righty.

I’ve been having fun with photography and you get your choice, depending on your mood. These are formatted for a high-def screen (1920x1080). Have fun.

Would you like your beauty in technicolor?

Would you prefer moody and grainy?

About Fabulous Fotography Friday:
As I mentioned in my prior post “Guess my number, win a prize” I was going to grab the ole Nikon and spend some of my 2 week waits taking and editing pictures. To save any of these photos for your very own, just click on the picture. A new window will open and show you the larger (higher-resolution) version, then right-click on the big image and choose “Save Picture As…” in Internet Explorer (“Save Image As…” in Firefox). They make awesome desktop images.

Patience, reflection and time – Part 4

2009-09-09T13:33:00.001-07:00

Cycle Update: I’ve had my period and baseline u/s. 15 follicles on one side and about 8 on the other. DocO put me on BCP (for 9 days). Today is cycle day 7. I have 5 more pills to go before the next monitoring appointment. If all goes well, then I’ll start IVF #2 officially in a week or so.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I had planned an evening out with friends weeks in advance. I couldn’t easily cancel. One of those friends I introduced to M and they have become friends (she learned of M’s pregnancy two weeks earlier). If I lost it and started crying, I knew she would tell M all about it. I was panicked. This was great stress and the reason why I needed to work through my feelings before I was out in public again. I had to keep myself together but people would be on my doorstep in 3 hours.

When I finished my glass of scotch, I did not got back for more. Instead, I picked up the phone. I needed to talk to someone who loved me, who would listen and not judge, let me vent and perhaps offer a different perspective. MrBeep was not available, and also he is a guy and doesn’t always appreciate the need to just talk it out. I called my friend Lindsay, just to talk for a few minutes. I didn’t get out more than a few words, something about it being a bad day when the wave finally hit, the flood came and I broke down. “Can you come over?” I said, my voice cracking, the tears beginning to pour out of me. “I’m leaving now. I’ll be there in 10 minutes,” she said. What felt like a heartbeat later, she was there and sat in the garden next to me, held my hand, comforted me. She listened with patience and offered empathy. She let me cry and rage.

When people arrived to pick me up, I was cried out, my rage gone. The Ache and The Empty were still ghosts in the back of my mind, but they would not overwhelm me. I went out in public that evening, and was asked by MrBeep at the table full of people about my day with M. I told him her news. My smile was genuine, my happiness for her true and no tears came to my eyes.

It is because of Lindsay’s kindness and offer to listen that I got through the day. Being comforted with her and by spending time with myself -- in quiet contemplation that day and for the next few days -- I have come back to a place that is ME.

Now on to a comments…

Part 1: I wish I could respond to each and every comment, but it would make this post so much longer than it already is. Know that if I didn’t mention you directly, I love and really appreciate all of your heartfelt sympathy and warmth. I gratefully accepted your hugs and love. I needed them.

Beautiful Mess said “I hope your friend understand that you are not mad at HER, just sad about your situation.” Absolutely right. Some people think that strong feelings are directed toward them rather than just being strong, and hard. I consciously chose not to direct my feelings at her. I think she knew this. I hope she realized and appreciated it.

Meinsideout said, “I get really angry about how IF, loss and all that we have to go through really isolates us. I am sorry that you feel alone sometimes.” It is a very difficult thing to feel alone while surrounded by people. If I didn’t have you wonderful YOU, I wouldn’t just feel sorry for myself and FEEL ALONE sometimes, I would actually BE ALONE. That is a scary and dark place. I hope that anyone who is feeling sad and depressed about infertility can find us, even if they are not a blogger, just joining in on reading and commenting can help. It is why I love the ALI community.

Darkblack said, “Understanding is not the right word. That's the problem. Our friends and family mean to say that they empathize with our situation, which is fair. Others may not have gone through what you have, but everyone has felt heartbreak, loneliness, helplessness, and pain. They may not understand the journey, but they can empathize with where you are at. Heartbreak is universal, the cause is secondary. I think we can take our friends and family at their word, they do understand on a fundamentally human level.” He is absolutely right. It is largely the reason why I held fast to my patience. She was reaching out and happened to use the wrong word and I broke down, to a certain degree I failed her. My difficulty wasn’t just WHAT she said, but WHERE and HOW she said it. She was in a no-win situation and I was so overcome with the sense that my friend had no regard for my feelings, no consideration for my situation. I felt ambushed. Like Sprogblogger said in her comment, “sometimes - a lot of the time these days, it seems - there just isn't anything that anyone can say that I want to hear. No matter how well-intentioned.” She is absolutely right too. This is was makes it difficult, that both sides of the same debate are equally correct and true.

Part 2: It was difficult to understand the feelings I was going through until I gave them names, The Ache and The Empty.

One who understands said, “I think one of the hardest things for me to get people to understand is that I do hope, but I have to be realistic. Happy endings are great, but they are not a guarantee. Sometimes all we need is for people to get that it is hard. It is really stinkin hard.” YES! You my dear, are wise beyond your years. It is always a balance of Hope and Optimism vs. Reality. If you don’t achieve that balance as much as you can, you will walk away from this battle truly scarred beyond recognition. You also have to recognize when you’ve hit the wall and it’s time to change your outlook and maybe your dreams.

On the same vein, Sunny wrote, “Your dear friend, who is no doubt a lovely person if she's your friend, obviously doesn't even have a hint of insight into the rollercoaster of IF -- the need to be hopeful but CAUTIOUS and REALISTIC. That is a good thing for her. I wouldn't wish the heartache on anyone.” Thank you Sunny for your nice comment on my friend. She is, like you, a wonderful person. I was nodding my head while reading the comments and saying Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes. The perfect words. Cautious. Realistic.

K commented, “I GET your emotion and pain. I get it when I read it. I feel it. It makes me cry too and I don't know M or really you, either...sort of.” I know you get it, K. I’m so sorry that any of you have to know this and I’m sorry that telling my story has stirred up many old wounds and pain.

Wiseguy expressed, “But I would have been equally shocked to find somebody I am extremely intimate with to suddenly come out and tell me that they are expecting...and not at six weeks, but almost shy of giving birth.” Yes. Exactly. I realized afterwards that I had seen her twice during the time she knew she was pregnant. I dropped everything and spent a day with her when she found out one of her dogs has terminal cancer. I held her while she cried and comforted her…she never said anything to me (she was probably at 12-14 weeks). I’m not sure how my heart feels about this.

Clare wrote, “She doesn't get it and she won't. It was an intense day for you - the way she revealed her pregnancy to you was quite an ambush, usually when people tell you they're pg you can't see anything, it's not so in your face but at 7 months - there was no escaping it at any point in the day.
You must have felt totally drained when you got home. But i understand the support you feel from the ALI community, without this, I hate to think what emotional wreck I'd be by now.” See? I knew you, my bloggidy friends, would understand it all. You use all the right words, expressed all of my emotions and even knew exactly where I was at the end of the day because you all have BEEN THERE. No matter what age, not matter what continent, you GET IT and that comforts me.

mekate offered a wholly different perspective, “and she is right too-- we lose site of the magic. We lose sight of it in the flood of other crapola, the stats, our experiences, our rises and falls, but the magic, it really is there. I have to believe it. I have to.” This comment floated with me for days until I realized and accepted that both M and mekate are Absolutely Right, I did lose sight of the magic. You DO have to believe in that magic to truly keep hope in your heart. The next line, “It will not necessarily be *my* magic, and that perhaps is one of the hardest things to deal with.” broke my heart because I get that too. There is so much profound truth in that comment. I am still haunted by it.

Part 3: I was actually quite afraid of putting my feelings - the honest, the contemplative, the good, the ugly, the nasty - out to the world to read. It’s scary to do this, but I felt it necessary. I have heard so many stories of fertiles and infertiles alike behaving badly when the news of pregnancy appears. Afterwards there is regret and hurt. Overall I think I handled it well and wanted to use my pain to help just one person not blow it, no feelings shattered, perhaps a friendship saved.

Phoebe wrote, “This pretty much sums up the whole gamut of feelings. I think you have managed to summarize all I've been feeling as well! The loss of hope is the worst. How do you move forward when there is no hope? Or how do you have hope when the hopelessness keeps nagging at you? I'd like to think that it comes down to more than hope. I think for me, what it comes down to is love. If it was about hope for me, I think I would give up. The love I have for a child is what keeps moving me forward.” Thank you to Phoebe, the beautiful phoenix, showing us how to rise from the ashes of despair and fly toward Love and Hope.

Thank you all so much for walking through this ordeal with me. I am sorry for the length, your time is valuable to me. The truth is it took me a handful of days to work through it all, but much longer to write about it. I really appreciate you all were so respectful of me and my friend. I didn’t want a bitchfest, filled with vitriol and nastiness, I wanted understanding. I needed community and I received more than I could have imagined with a full and grateful heart. Your kind words about my writing truly humble me. Your comments and advice are a solace. Sending back waves of the same love and hugs you sent to me. The simple words “Thank You” cannot fully express my gratitude.

Patience, reflection and time – Part 3

2009-09-06T02:28:00.001-07:00

Then I did something I have never done before in my life. I walked back into the house, poured two fingers of scotch and took it back to the chair in the garden. Every time The Empty and The Ache boiled up trying to engulf me, I took a sip. It is a scary thing to fully realize what turns some people to drink. The burning sensation of the scotch matched the feeling in my throat, pushing it back. I needed to calm down, I needed time to process. Pick them apart -- The Ache and The Empty. Dissect each one. They were so unfamiliar, too overwhelming.

Was I angry? Angry because yet another person came before me? Angry for being told this way? Angry for feeling humiliated and crying in public? Angry for being locked out of my friend’s life? Angry for not being trusted? Angry for being told that I wasn’t hopeful enough?

The honest answer is yes. However none of it was strong enough to cause my reaction, my total shutdown. Anger was there, but it wasn’t the key.

How about Guilt? Did I feel guilty because I didn’t jump up and down and squeal when I heard her great news? Guilty because I didn’t tell her sooner how my IVF went? Guilty because I didn’t push going to the RE sooner? Guilty because I waited for surgery? Guilty because I didn’t reveal MY true feelings to save HERS?

I have some guilt, but it’s mostly internal things about what I COULDA SHOULDA done to move things along quicker when I was younger. But even these arguments break down because the time I waited gave extra time to MrBeep to fully come on board and really want a family with me. I would rather have his extraordinary 100% support at 37, 38, 39, 40 than have 30% at 35. So no. The big empty ache was not guilt.

Shame? Shame about my situation? Shame over my reaction? Shame at feeling this way and not keeping my shit under control?

I do feel ashamed sometimes. A bit. I’m 40, maybe I’m too old to be a good mom. I never wanted to be some tired old hag. And there are children starving in remote countries while I am shelling out a fortune that could be feeding them instead. But we all know the truth is you can’t take the whole weight of the world on your shoulders along with IF. I have to finish working on this, my heart’s desire before I can give my heart to another cause. I think overall I reacted well. I am very, very happy for her – said so, acted so. The truth is I was very worried she would realize how much she wanted a family when it was too late for her. She is 39 and for some people it can be tough, if not impossible. I’m glad she didn’t have any problems conceiving. Given our earlier conversations, I suspect it took them 1-3 months. I would never wish the pain, the grief that is infertility on ANYONE. I was ashamed at being overwhelmed, but I knew it was not the reason for being overwhelmed.

Bitterness? Oh my god. Am I bitter? Have I reached that horrible stage? Has my heart truly blackened to that degree?

This is a place I fear. I thought long and hard about this one. What does bitterness truly feel like? What precisely is it? Intense hatred, rancor, resentment. Feelings of malice and spite so intense as to overcome all of the goodness and joy in my heart. That is bitterness to me. I am NOT THAT. Not now, hopefully not ever.

Jealousy or Envy? Could I be jealous of my friend? Have I let my desire to have what I want trump what I feel for another person who I love? Do I think I deserve it more than her? Would I have the audacity to believe something like that?

This is an interesting thing to think hard about. We all say that we are jealous sometimes at a surface level, but if you dig down…are you really? Does envy mean that you want what they actually have? Something so strong, if you had the power you would take it away and keep it for yourself? I thought about this and realized…No. I don’t want what she has. I don’t want to be Her. I don’t want Her life. I don’t want Her husband. I don’t want Her baby. I want MY baby, OUR baby. I want MY life with MY husband to include a family and if it can’t be MINE on MY terms…then I don’t want it at all. I’m not trying to sound harsh. I am not speaking for everyone. I am expressing my own personal truth.

In my heart, in my head, it has always been impossible for me to be jealous of other pregnant women because babies are not a limited supply item. We don’t all get to stick our hands in a jar and pull out a marble. If a girl comes up with a red marble, she gets and baby leaving fewer chances in the jar left for me. There is no magic being that decides who gets one and who doesn’t. Anyone’s success in getting pregnant and having a child is completely separate and independent of mine. I will admit to a feeling of longing, wondering if it will ever happen for me. That longing is not jealousy or envy and for me it is certainly not The Ache or The Empty.

Fear? Worry? Will this ruin my relationship with MrBeep? What will go wrong next? How many more months can my sanity take? Will I go through all this only to realize it will NEVER work? Or that it worked but then having to suffer loss after loss? When should I give up? Will I still be here no farther on the journey another year from now?

As I went through the myriad of swirling feelings that accompany fear and worry, admitting just how scared I was to fail in the end, to lose my dream, The Ache started to release it’s strangling grip on my throat. The fear and worry build up over time, trying to consume. I want this thing, I do, but I also don’t want it to take away my joy. I am so scared in the end to live with regret or pain. I don’t want every friend with a family to avoid me. I don’t want to see families or children and feel a sense of loss each time. Those tiny little bites will eventually eat away your soul.

Truth is I can see no way to remove fear from my mind. No magic elixir to make me stop worrying about the future. All I can do is stand and look fear straight in the eye. See it for what it is, it’s dark shape, and try my best not to let it steal me away in the night, leaving an empty shell in my place. I will use them, they will not use me. I choose to use fear and worry as tools to make smarter choices that either take me to my goal or let me know when it’s clearly time to change the game. I do not choose to give my life away to fear. I do not choose to be consumed with worry. With that realization, The Ache faded to something small, still there, but not engulfing me.

Sorrow?

The Big Emptiness in my chest was still there as I considered sorrow. Here was MY truth and I was gripped with an overwhelming sense of sadness. I thought through it for a long time and finally recognized it’s cause. It was TIME. When I looked at M I plainly saw the physical reality of 7 months flash by in a second. I felt more sorrow from her comments about knowing I was going to be pregnant soon and we would absolutely have our kids play together some day. I had the same conversations with another good friend. We talked about how wonderful it would be to be pregnant at the same time, have our kids play together, etc. Her son is now 8 months old. Add that to her pregnancy and it was over 17 months ago. I was empty and sad that so much time has flown by. I have poured out so much of my soul only to have gone no where with less chance of success. It saddened me more to think another year from now I could be in the same situation, a friend telling me how they knew it would happen for me and how my time was next. How long must I stay in the recurring nightmare? I also knew how sad I was to watch every year my statistical chances slipping away. When I started this at 36, the chances for my clinic/age group for IVF were 49%. At 38 they slipped to 39%. At my next birthday (in 4 months) I will be in the group 41-42 where the general population’ chances list at 14%. Being this age, still in this place is really fucking hard.

I have heard all the stories from friends of how they knew of a woman who got pregnant at 42, her doctor gave them no chance to get pregnant on their own, etc. I always tell them, “I know these stories are meant to give me hope, but the TRUTH is you only hear publically the story of the ones that worked. The ten-people-in-a-hundred. You don’t hear about the ninety others who wanted the same thing and tried their best but instead endured heartache and problems and sometimes, ultimately the loss of their dreams. Those people suffer privately. You don’t get babies because you deserve them or because it makes a good story. It is largely luck and circumstance and dna.” I do always end by telling them I appreciate their love, their understanding and all the good thoughts and prayers. Those mean more than a thousand stories.

Then it came to me. My Big Emptiness represented the loss of hope. I thought through the pain and sorrow. Was I overcome? Was I too sad at my prospects? Was it time to give up? Hope starts out as a bright shimmering light that slowly, eventually dulls and finally fades until it is gone. Was it entirely gone? Sitting in my garden, the wind beginning to blow the wind chimes from our wedding sang to me. The sound hit my ears and woke me from my contemplation. I knew I was not done on my path. I knew I still have reasons to be optimistic, I still want to TRY. I am not giving up yet. I choose to SEE HOPE still in my journey.

To be completed in the next post, including my views on your comments - in Part 4.

Patience, reflection and time – Part 2

2009-09-03T02:45:00.000-07:00

Thank you all so much for your wonderful comments. They deserve a post of their own and will get it in Part 3. This is continued where I left off from my prior post “Patience, reflection and time – Part 1.”

As I started to cry down in the field, my dear friend M tried to comfort me. She put her arms around me and held me tight. She cried too and offered many words of encouragement. “I know that we were destined to have families together. Just think about it, we went back to school at the same time, we were laid off from our boring jobs at almost the same time – me first and then you a few months later, and I know you will be right behind me with your family.” I nodded my head, dried my eyes (swearing to myself I wouldn’t cry that day in public again), put on a smile and said, “We’ll see. I hope so too, that would make an amusing story to tell, wouldn’t it?” We continued picking and talking for another thirty minutes. I turned the conversation back to her, their baby and plans for the house and the future. Eventually our little buckets were full, the blueberries weighed and paid for, then we headed out for lunch.

While eating lunch we talked about many things. Eventually, she expressed how worried she was about telling me her news. I gently admitted it was kind of hard for me to have a good friend who I confided in over the years suddenly show up 7 months along. I understood why she waited but I thought it would have been easier knowing that she was at least trying. She seemed slightly annoyed and upset at my confession (sting). She admitted that they didn’t try for very long (another sting). Then she started to tell me how I would be pregnant soon anyway and how we were going to have our kids play together, take day trips, go to the zoo, etc.

I told M I wished she would be right, but I didn’t know. The odds over the years were starting to creep against me and this was making me terribly afraid. She became a little frustrated, but smiled anyway and hugged me as she was leaving. She encouraged me to stop being pessimistic, stop being so scientific, looking at odds and statistics. I needed to have a little more faith in the magic that it would happen. She knew because she has a great feeling about this and that I’ll see. “That’s not quite fair” I told her, “I was very much full of hope in the beginning, but realistic expectations must have a place too. After a while, if you don’t do that, you will absolutely break down. The potential lifts you up and every month, then the failure crashes you down. You have not watched your chances slip as each birthday passes. You have not walked the years and years in my shoes, on my path. I appreciate the prayers, good hopes, faith and optimism of all my friends. Wish very very hard for me. I do too, but respect also my need to protect my heart.”

She nodded as she got into her car, but she did not understand, and that’s OK. She doesn’t need to. I knew I had a cadre of people who unfortunately do understand. Who appreciate my situation in a unique way and in that I NEVER feel alone. If if weren’t for this blog, the ALI community, I wouldn’t have made it through that day with a shred of integrity or grace. So many of you are my heroes, for your kindness, your perseverance, your intelligence, your wit.

I drove home in utter silence, playing the day over in my mind. No tears hit my eyes. All I felt was a load of cotton in my throat and a big ball of empty in my chest. I needed to be home. I was tired of being in public. I wanted the opportunity to process all this in solitude. I finally got home, walked down to my garden, sat right next to my wind chimes and waited for the wave of emotion to crash over me. The tears to come. The understanding to begin.

It didn’t crash. No tears came. I didn’t understand.

All I felt was The Ache. The Big Empty. My throat jammed with cotton, each swallow like razorblades. I sat there, unmoving for two hours, trying to understand what The Ache was. Exactly how and what I truly felt. I didn’t know. I searched my mind, my heart, my soul. The puzzle didn’t fit. What was this empty, cold feeling in my chest? Anger? Guilt? Worry? Shame? Fear? Bitterness? Jealously? Sorrow? I truly didn’t know.

continued in Part 3…

Patience, reflection and time – Part 1

2009-08-30T12:32:00.001-07:00

I needed over a week to process what happened and then write about it. I honestly didn’t know what to write because I couldn’t process how I felt. Every time I tried my heart felt empty and cold, my throat tight. Today’s story required patience, reflection and time. I’ll start at the beginning.

My friend M is a wonderful person. She has the kind of soul that shines bright before her. Have you ever fallen in love with a girlfriend? Someone you meet and are transported back to childhood days where you immediately want to come up to them and invite them on your side of the monkey bars and give them the other half of your grape popsicle? We became good friends. Several years ago, I confided my problems with trying to conceive, my worries, my fears. She is one of the few people IRL I felt comfortable doing this with. She (39) is about the same age as I am (40). After the years, I could tell that our conversations, my confessing how I wanted having a family in my life were affecting her. She admitted a year ago she was talking to her husband about having a family too. He already had grown children and was preparing more for early retirement than starting over. This was a great source of conflict for her. We supported each other, we talked. When MrBeep agreed for us to try for a family we chose to get married. She, M, agreed to be my Matron of Honor, the only person I chose to stand up with me.

But life gets busy I had not seen her in a while. She lives an hour away so most of our time together required a bit of time and organization. She was going to school and working both a regular job plus an internship. We’d chat online briefly but I knew what little time she had left in a day needed to be spent with her wonderful husband and dogs. So I maybe saw her once in the six months before she finally called and invited me to go to a farm for u-pick blueberries. She suggested a date in the middle of the weekday morning.

Before I left my house that morning, I knew it had the potential to be a “hard infertile day”. Most people take their families to blueberry farms to pick berries. I have seen the blog entries from mommies who take their kids and toddlers, but I am typically fine around families. I try to keep myself positive and optimistic and look the situation as something I hope to have someday rather than something I don’t have. I also really wanted some delicious and cheap northwest blueberries.

I arrived at the farm and noticed her car wasn’t there yet, so I got out of my car and started to douse myself with sunscreen. Her car pulled up, but she didn’t get out. She called me over to come to the car and have a seat. This was not unusual since we both do this to have the other hear some new music we’ve discovered. I got in and she gave me a piece of paper, a hand made card. I read the front and opened the card and there was a ultrasound photo with a clearly defined baby’s face. I was stunned. I wasn’t sure what to say. I was happy for her and turned to say, “Congratulations! What a wonderful surprise and wow this ultrasound looks very detailed, how many months along are you? Four? Five?”

“Seven,” she answered. And then she moved her sweater aside and there was a cute, perfectly round basketball sized belly.

It was like someone hit me square in the chest with a baseball bat. I could hardly breathe. I have never, NEVER reacted this way to finding out someone was pregnant. One half of my brain was jumping up and down cheering for joy the other half was just still. Stunned. I knew I had to stay calm. I knew I needed to act my normal happy self. I didn’t want to ruin this day for her, but I knew it would be tough for me. I gave her more hugs and congratulations then we both got out of the car and walked toward the entrance. We grabbed picking buckets and headed out to the fields.

I kept the conversation light, asked about her husband and her mom. She told me they were so worried due to their age that they kept it a secret from everyone, including her mom (with whom she is very, very close) until she was 5 months along and had the results from amnio. She explained how scared she was when a pre-screening test came out positive for abnormalities. I told her I was sorry she had to go with all that stress alone, but that I understood why she would want to keep private and how happy I am to know that everything is normal. I joked I would love some privacy myself.

To a certain degree inward, my mind was razor focused. I didn’t need to make eye contact. We were crouched down, finding the best looking and ripest berries on the bush while we talked. Inwardly I meditated on the positive side of things, and the patience I needed to exercise to stay calm and keep breathing. I didn’t want to do or say anything I would regret, anything to make me sad, anything to hurt my friend. But it was so hard. We were completely surrounded by families. There were mommies and grandparents with tons of kids excitingly calling out that they found a spider and here’s another handful and look at me look at me. We were in a row all by ourselves, but I was surrounded and drowning.

Then she asked me how my IVF went back in June. I had never called and told her what happened, she knew that I was going to keep things to myself, but I think she was hoping that I would give her good news…but I had no good news to tell. So in the middle of that field, I calmed my soul, steeled myself and quietly told her about things going along well, then the drug not working, the retrieval and transfer and finally being pregnant for only a few days. I told her that we would try again and these things happen and how complicated IVF is, but that it was really hard because I really only have a few chances left.

Then she did it. She was trying to be comforting. I know this. She said, “Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry. I completely understand.”

That’s when I shattered.

“No you don’t understand” I whispered, starting to cry. “No one I know has any idea how this feels. None of my friends truly understand how it is and I don’t have anyone to talk to and I don’t want to burden anyone.” I was overwhelmed with a sense of loss and sadness. One side of my brain kept thinking, how could she do this to me? How could she take me here, in public, to give me her news? Why would she ask sensitive things of me while I was surrounded by pregnant bellies and happy families? How could she stand there, 7 months pregnant with everything tested and declared OK and tell me that she understands? What had I ever done to deserve this utter disregard of my feelings?

But that’s not how things are, I knew. M is my friend. I love her and know she would never do anything intentionally to hurt me. It just happens sometimes. We do our best to consider the feelings of others, but it is impossible to see the world from every perspective.

This is not my destination. I will write more about the rest of the day, my thoughts and feelings. Please understand that I love my friend and this is not an open invitation to berate her. My entries on this day are a journey to a new understanding of myself using patience, reflection and time.

To be continued…

How to make a fool out of yourself in 1 easy lesson

2009-08-18T23:51:00.001-07:00

Step 1: Publicly declare your frustration and disdain of Ovulation Predictor Test Kits.

Step 2: Pee on said stick.

Step 3: Get relatively easy to read and predicted results.

Step 4: Look like a fool.

Fine. You only cost a freaking fortune, I guess that’ll teach me a lesson. Stupid pee stick. :-p

I h8 OV Peesticks. Sistahs, can I get an amen?

2009-08-17T19:23:00.000-07:00

I just really, really hate OV predictor peesticks. I don't trust the digital ones because I need to see that little bit of pink getting darker and darker but it never seems to look like the example picture on the freaking box. The added bonus is since I took birth control pills for my delayed IVF cycle, I had "breakthrough bleeding" which is not exactly like a normal menstrual cycle and now I can't remember what should be the first day and so I have no idea whether today is day 11, 12, or 13. Why don't they work for me? Is it because I am old? Decrepid? Wrong brand? I even went out of my way to drink only a few glasses water instead of my ususal liter.

AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Thank goodness for other *ahem* bodily indicators or else I would be screwed. I'm thinking OV should happen in the next couple of days so it's time to enjoy the delights of GOF**. I am not smart like MeKate and didn't bother to check my basal body temp this month because well I was supposed to be monitored by doctors and taking complex drug regimes and IVFified and wah wah wah wee wee wee. Feh.

An extra special "you are so wonderful" to everyone who offered such nice comments and advice on my last post on waiting a month. I was upset and nervous. You all made me feel warm and among understanding friends. Thank you.

** happily and blatently stolen from the awesome Kvetch Board of IndieBride/IndieMom. I even posted an article on how to conjugate GOF as a verb. GOF = Goal Oriented Fucking (waaaayyyyyyy better than the disgustingly syrupy sweet term "babydance" which makes me shudder and gag any time I hear/read it.

Taking a shot on goal (aka why I chose to wait)

2009-08-11T16:36:00.001-07:00

All I can feel right now is how truly sick I am of waiting. It seems like 90% of this game is spent waiting for the right time. I want to be active. I want to participate. I want to roll up my sleeves and get to work. I want to take my shot.

I had to wait for a BFN every month while TTC on our own. I had to wait for the right cycle days to go through tests and procedures. I had to wait through two uterine surgeries and recovery. I had to wait for results and healing. All that waiting took over 4 years. Even now that we have achieved the place where we are down to business/on to the big stuff/major intervention-o-rama, in the last 10 months I have only been able to try 2 IUI’s (1 clomid + 1 natural) and 1 IVF cycle. In 10 months. Everything else has had waiting due to tests and clomid causing cysts and/or a thin uterine lining, now embryo lab closure and recommended months off and now cysts again. 3 out of 10 months that had a shot in hell to work. Those really aren’t good odds for success. While I am a very patient person…Yes. Thank you for asking, I AM very sick of waiting.

So back to last Thursday afternoon. Our IVF coordinator nurse called and told me that the doctors discussed the 14mm ovarian cyst and decided that it was just too borderline for them feel comfortable starting IVF this cycle. As DocO said to me in the exam room, “the size of the cyst makes it really come down to a judgement call. It is absolutely on the dividing line in terms of size for when we would postpone. Obviously if we go ahead and it’s successful and you get pregnant then we would call it the right choice, but if we had to cancel mid-cycle or get bad results then we would call it the wrong choice, but there is just no way to know which on which side this coin would fall.” The nurse, said that after DocO, the embryologist and the other doctors discussed the case, they thought it would be best to postpone. I asked about aspirating the cyst and she said they discussed it while reviewing my case, but preferred not to aspirate. She explained it is an invasive procedure and there is no guarantee there would not be complications or sometimes a cyst just returns anyway. She asked me if I had any questions and how I was doing. I started to talk to her about a few details and then just lost it. I hate it when I cry in front of strangers, but I couldn’t stop myself. I talked to her between sobs about how frustrating it seems that I am always soooo damned close. I had some minor success last time, the baseline gave me excellent results and now here I am waiting again. I’m terrified that I’ll just be in the same place a month from now. Which is just one more month of being closer to 41 and do you know how bad my chances become as each month goes by? She did say that it was really borderline and that if I wanted to continue anyway or get the cyst aspirated that they would do it. She said that if I wanted to talk to DocO that she would have him call me right away and that they understand how upsetting this all can be. They just wanted to give me the best shot. They wanted my starting point to be perfect to ensure the best chance of success.

I called MrBeep and told him the news that the IVF nurse was talking to DocO and will call me back soon. I didn’t know what was the right decision. Should I wait for the next cycle or just get the cyst aspirated and risk it? MrBeep comforted me and told me whatever I wanted we could do. We discussed our options. We considered if we started the cycle and it was cancelled or failed, then it would be 2-3 months before we could try again. If we waited, it would be 1 month. We decided to just aspirate next month if another one came up. I did have to take birth control a very long time, (14 days) due to the lab closure, and perhaps a shorter length would remove this complication. One month would probably not be the make or break for my eggs or hormones. Those have been looking good lately, but the waiting is still very hard on me. I am a person who acts, who has always worked hard to achieve things and that drive does little for me here. There always seems to be some impediment, some obstacle in my way. I can’t even get to anything close enough to call utter failure so I can just give up or move on. I seem to be stuck forever on the bench, waiting to just get in the game.

MrBeep used to play hockey on his college team. (Go Mighty Beavers!) He explained it to me this way -- the more shots you take the better your chances to make a goal. So we definitely need to be aggressive to take as many good shots as possible. But sometimes your best option is to wait a little, get closer and take your shot from the best angle. Sometimes you have to skate around to wait for that perfect shot. The truth is we are impressed with our doctors, we consider their knowledge and advice to be very important. They’re the coach recommending waiting for a different play, better circumstances to get that best shot at goal.

After discussing it with MrBeep and calming down, we both knew that waiting a month was the right decision. After talking to him all of my tension disappeared, I didn’t feel like crying anymore and some hope for the future was restored. He does that for me, he calms my soul. I am a better person for knowing him, but it is still very hard. When the IVF nurse called back, I told her I was OK and we would wait. She was really kind to me and suggested that I enjoy some wine and maybe get a massage some time soon. She also talked to me a little about a wellness program in the area for ladies going through IVF. I may check into this. In the meantime I will do my best to keep my spirit up and practice my slapshot.

Cycle Status – Part 2

2009-08-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

It’s late again. I just turned my computer on for the first time today in and checked my blogger and found out about Sprogblogger’s horrible news. Please go and give her some love and comfort. She is one of the most amazing and fabulous people who have supported and helped me beyond measure. I was so overjoyed for her and now I can’t stop crying. To have this news on the heels of Mo and Will’s has shattered my feelings of hope.

The RE’s office called back Thursday afternoon for my instructions, they decided that due to the size of the cyst, DocO and his colleagues recommended it was best to wait until next month. So I am not officially cancelled, but I am postponed and waiting yet another month. I was upset, I cried like crazy. But I can’t write about the details right now. I was going to tell all of the reasons why we agreed to postpone rather than aspirate and how I lost it and sobbed on the phone with the wonderful and compassionate IVF nurse, but I won’t write about that today. I am beyond sad and upset for my friends and my stupid petty little problems are nothing in the midst of this.

Why does this all have to be so heart breakingly hard?

Ultrasound and status – Part 1

2009-08-07T01:45:00.001-07:00

It’s very late (1:45 am) and I have friends with their 2 adopted boys staying with us from out of town. I will have to break this post into two sections. If you haven’t already done so, please take an extra second to visit Mo and Will. They had some heartbreaking news today. We need to give them lots of love and support. I opened up my blogger for a few seconds before bedtime and posting and, well…it is just so awful and made me cry and why do these things happen?

I went in this morning to the RE’s office for an ultrasound. The plan was to check and see if the cyst on my right ovary had collapsed now that the birth control pills were done and the “withdrawal bleed” has begun. For more information or to catch up, you can read my prior post, “Are you kidding me?” MrBeep was nice enough to come with me to the appointment to offer support and well…gosh darn it he is just so smart and reasonable. He thinks of questions that elude my addled brain and I love when he comes to the appointments so he hears directly from the Doctor what is going on. So we meet DocO, get right down to business with the wand and…

it’s still there.

The measurement of the cyst hasn’t gone up or down even a millimeter. Good ole lefty is hanging tough with no issues. After the exam I sit there with my paper drape with MrBeep by my side and we discuss the situation with DocO. The cyst is considered by DocO to be borderline. A little smaller they wouldn’t think it was a big deal, a little bigger they would be very concerned how it would affect the cycle. We discussed the possibility of aspirating the cyst. He said it was an option, but he was concerned about putting me through a medical procedure that may not solve the problem and has the potential for complications. He made an excellent comment. “It’s all really a judgement call. If we go forward, do nothing and it’s a problem that cancels the cycle, that’s bad. If we aspirate and it acts up, that’s bad. If we aspirate and it works well then that’s good. It we leave it alone and it works, then that’s good. But what we are talking about is something that is likely to affect the cycle and whether we think it is a good idea to take that risk or wait another month.”

I asked him why an ovarian cyst is considered a problem for an IVF cycle. He explained that having a cyst can affect how well the eggs grow in that ovary. You can get fewer eggs at retrieval time, you can have problems with the cyst growing larger due to the meds, you can have problems with your overall hormone levels, etc. Keep in mind this cyst is here before the cycle has officially begun, I have not yet taken any stimulation medication. Some folks who commented on Sunday had cysts appear after stimulation had already begun or they were many days into their IVF cycle. I think that REs view this differently than one in the early stage. This is just my impression. To read a little more about ovarian cysts, here is a good article.

DocO told me to hold off on taking my first day lupron injection. He said he planned to take today’s results and discuss the case with his colleagues. (This is their standard operating procedure – more brain power on the problem. FYI-I love and respect that.) He said they would call after the meeting in a few hours and tell me what the plan is, whether we will start the IVF cycle or wait until next month.

After the appointment I walked MrBeep to his car, we talked and I wished him a good day at work. Then I went home to wait for the call…(to be continued)

Techie Tuesday: Semen analysis a go-go

2009-08-04T23:45:00.000-07:00

Welcome to another Techie Tuesday. I am going to provide a few links to some IF techie things. I want to state clearly that I am not a medical professional. I am a computer geek/IT professional with over 20 years in the computer and biotech industries. A geeky gal who likes to research her condition/situation/whatever. My supreme computer nerdiness has enabled me to dig up some good places on the net. I read many articles and want to provide links to the ones that have some great info. Are you like me? Desperate to research the tests and procedures that have been recommended to you? I get it. I’ve been there. I am still there. Let’s a go-go.

According to the CDC’s 2005 statistics report, among couples who have ART cycles, male factor counts for 18.3%, multiple factors (female + male) is and additional 18.5% The report defines male factor: “Any cause of infertility due to low sperm count or problems with sperm function that makes it difficult for a sperm to fertilize an egg under normal conditions.”
http://www.cdc.gov/art/ART2005/index.htm

So you are having problems getting pregnant. The RE puts us gals through a lot of embarrassing and uncomfortable tests and procedures. Well men should get tested too. I can’t believe sometimes reading about how long some ladies go through infertility work and testing before getting their male counterparts get tested too. If your OB/GYN or RE hasn’t tested the other half, it’s time to ask why.

The men get their own chance at humiliation with the Semen Analysis and SPA. I won’t get into any junior high jokes about providing samples in the doctors office. OK. Well…maybe one. MrBeep and I joke about removing all of the standard RE office provided pR0n and replacing it with entirely hard core male-to-male manlove material. We snicker about the RE docs saying something like “Wow, the SA sample rates are sky-high this month. More volume than ever!”

Back to bloggidy work…so the male counterpart gives his sample and then a couple of weeks later you get the results paperwork. Once you get this Semen Analysis (SA) report and are thinking (as I did) “eh, so? What does all this mean?” I understood that our test was labeled “abnormal” and that some numbers were below the reference range. Other numbers were in the normal range, so how bad are things? How does this affect our chances?

I don’t really know. I know they are affected enough that even with my 28-day on-time like-clockwork mad ovulation skillz we can’t get pregnant. I know that over two years trying on our own we can’t. I know DocO and the report recommends IVF with ICSI (which worked in IVF #1 very well. 6 eggs mature, all 6 fertilized using ICSI and 4 made it to 3 day transfer). Below is a sample of how our results chart was laid out. I have included links to the articles that I feel either explain the test item in better detail or where I have found useful information.

SEMEN ANALYSIS REPORT

Test/Result	Reference Range	IF Optimist Notes
Volume	Normal: 1.5-4.5 ML	if the volume is too low or too high it can indicate fertility problems. This site gives an excellent definition.
Sperm Concentration	Normal: 20-150 Million/ml	commonly known as sperm count, which is different from total sperm count (see below). Oligospermia is a term for low sperm count and azoospermia is a term for a complete absence of sperm in the ejaculate.
Total Count	Normal: > 40 Million/ml	A calculation of the number of moving sperm in the entire ejaculate. Volume (cc) x concentration (million sperm/cc) x motility (% moving)
Motility	Normal: > 50%	What percentage of the sperm are moving normally. Sperm that don’t move normally cannot swim up the female reproductive system to find the egg.
Progression	Normal: 3 - 4	This describes how well the sperm that are moving are making progress. Only when the motility (% moving) is combined with the forward progression is an accurate picture of sperm movement obtained.
Viability	Normal: 60 – 95%	Sperm may be alive, but not moving. A specialized staining technique is used to determine what percentage of the sperm are alive.
Sperm Agglutination		Sperm agglutination (sperm sticking together) can be caused by various inflammatory conditions, and are most commonly seen with the presence of antisperm antibodies
Viscosity	The desired viscosity is +1 on a scale of +1 to +4, with liquefaction complete within 10 - 30 minutes.	Viscosity is the rate at which semen liquefies. Semen is initially thick and viscous; the thicker the semen, the more difficult it is for sperm to travel.
Round Cells	Normal: < 3 Million/ml	A large number of round cells may indicate an infection
WBC	Normal: 1 Million/ml	All semen samples have white blood count (WBC) in them. If greater than 1 million WBC per 1 ml are present, there is concern of infection.
Morphology	Normal: > 10% Suboptimal: 5-9% Abnormal: < 4%	Normal sperm have an oval head with a long tail. Abnormal sperm may have head or tail defects — such as a large or misshapen head or a crooked or double tail. These defects may impair the ability of the sperm to reach and fertilize an egg.
Acrosome Reaction (test using Sperm Penetration Assay)	Normal: > 9% Abnormal: < 7%	Levels below normal indicate problems of sperm fertilizing egg. ICSI is recommended if this is the case.

Here are a few more articles I found on the internet that may help you better understand the test and the data breakdown.

Babyhopes.com: What does Semen Analysis Entail?

WebMD: Infertility and Reproduction Guide – Semen Analysis – on page 2 this article gives a very detailed breakdown on what abnormal may indicate.

Wikipedia – Semen Analysis: a pretty good article with lots of links to other sources.

An excellent and comprehensive page on Semen Analysis with good definitions.

Another really excellent page of information about sperm evaluation and testing.

An interesting article on a British website on semen and sperm quality.

Video that describes a little about IVF and shows an egg being fertilized using ICSI.

I know that there are a lot of other bloggers out there who have done some excellent research on male factor. I would really appreciate it if you were to comment with any articles, websites or any previous blog entry (including your own) that you feel particularly useful. It is all so overwhelming. Techie Tuesdays are all about making it easier for others who need to find information when first dealing with infertility diagnosis and testing. Thanks.

Are you kidding me?

2009-08-02T16:30:00.001-07:00

I went in this morning for my suppression check. I have been put on the micro-dose lupron protocol, and I have just finished 14 days of birth control pills. The first part of the suppression check is getting a blood draw. The good news is I got my favorite phlebotomist. She is awesome. I hardly feel a pinch and she never leaves a bruise. The test today is for checking my estrogen (E2) level. They do this to make sure that there is no rise in estrogen. A rise would indicate the birth control pills weren’t doing their job to suppress my natural hormone response.

Next I was taken into the changing room and given my paper sarong. I asked the nurse what they were looking for in the ultrasound. She said they are looking to see all of the follicles in the ovary were still roughly the same size and that there wasn’t a follicle growing much larger than the others. They are also looking to make sure there are no cysts present.

The doctor called me into the exam room (DrT) and thus began my date with the dildocam. First she checked the state of my uterine lining, then she measured my uterus. Both looked OK. She checked my right ovary next and there it was. A large black follicle much larger than any of the others and measured at 14mm. Even I could tell right away it was a problem.

Dammit. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFuck.

By the way, I think that it sucks I can now understand what I am seeing on a pelvic ultrasound. DrT then checked the left ovary and that one was fine. No large empty spaces, no indication of cysts. Good ole lefty. “OK. So what does this big follicle mean?” I asked DrT. She said that my estrogen levels are an important indicator to determine what comes next. If they are high, then it means this large follicle may have and egg and may be producing lots of estrogen. Since it would be way ahead of the other follicles it would be bad to start IVF drugs. If my estrogen level is low, then this may be just a cyst and we might be able to proceed. I was told to go home and wait for the test results. I went home and told MrBeep <sigh>.

Several hours later my phone rang and I talked to the nurse. The good news is that my estrogen level is low (40 = yay!) and that I should order my meds on Monday. I am scheduled to come in again on Thursday morning where they plan to do another ultrasound. The nurse explained that now I am no longer taking birth control pills that I would likely have a “withdrawl bleed” and they are hoping that the cyst will collapse on its own during that time. I am to bring my lupron with me and if it looks good I’ll take the shot at the RE’s office and the cycle will proceed.

I did notice yesterday while I was working on my laptop that my right side had a few sharp pains just left of my hip bone, like it does when I have, oh I dunno, a cyst perhaps? I thought, “Shit. I hope that’s not what I think it may be.” It was. Anyone want to come over and punch me in the ovary? Maybe that’ll pop the bastard.

Just for the record, I didn’t have a cyst two weeks ago during my baseline ultrasound. I watched the monitor. DocO was very thorough in checking. All looked wonderful. I was curious and decided to google ovarian cysts. Do you know what they recommend to prevent them? C’mon fancy a guess? Birth control pills. Exactly what I’ve been taking for the last 14 days. Are you kidding me?

So I’m where? Oh yeah, that’ right. Waiting. Again. More to come on Thursday.